May 10th, 2010
Most of us comedians choose our unsteady (yet rush inducing) profession because there are no other occupations that we could ever find ourselves competent, curious and content with.
Should there be a day when comedy went away, my soul would be marinating in a contaminated canal of despair (Brooklynites,think Gowanus.) Nothing to perform. Teach. Write. My life force would be stagnant.
I do find shame in acknowledging that I possess the unattractive attribute of snobbery that could prevent me from landing in a career that feels lesser than. Real or perceived. Again. Not proud.
If the laughter were to stop, I would have to suck up my pride and find an income drawing vocation that would allow me to continue to indulge in the items that I refuse to skimp on: Nice jeans, fancy coffee and high thread count bedding.
I consulted CNN, home of glamorized news, (wolfy) Wolf Blitzer and (ambiguously gay) Anderson Cooper, to find a a career where earnings are equal to or exceed men's.
I'm in trouble as I am frighteningly unsuitable for each and every one of these jobby jobs.
- Computer Software Engineer - I currently have a debilitating virus on my computer because I downloaded a picture that compared Dr. Phil to a porpoise. 'Nuff said.
- Human Resources Manager - I'm a sensitive flower. I don't want to fire people. I would cry.
Like a baby. That is little.
- Architect - In 7th grade art class, I started making a paper mache elephant that (unintentionally) ended up a frog. A frogaphant. If you will.
- Lawyer - I like the Law. But don't care for the Order.
- Pharmacist - I would do anything for my friends and family. Most of them are addicted to prescription drugs.
- Surgeon - These guys perform extremely precise, intricate movements during high risk procedures. OK. I'm animated. I knock things over. A lot. Also, have you seen my handwriting? No? There's a reason.
- Registered Nurse - 2 words: Bed Pans
- Psychologist - How would my patients respond when I say, "You're a little self absorbed when we spend our hour together. It's 'all about ' you.' No wonder you're single, unemployed and
addicted to neon vibrators. From used sex toy stores."
- Physical Therapist - I only like touching attractive people.