Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Day 381 - Ask Jax - Part 36

March 29th, 2011

This is the 36th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.

Is “lonely schizophrenic” an oxymoron? –Anton Salaks, Los Angeles, California

This is a tough call so I had to consult the voices in my head. Here’s what my delusions revealed to me(via PowerPoint presentation) : Along with “Anarchy rules!”, “Books on Tape” and “A stripper's dressing room”, a “lonely schizophrenic” is indeed a contradictory expression. Disclaimer: I apologize if I offended any readers for minimalizing the severity of mental illness. Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

Will you do a sex tape? - Dan Verkman, Washington, DC

Jax’s Answer - Funny you should ask because my three goals for 2011 were as follows: Become one of Charlie Sheen’s goddesses, give a kitten a pedicure and make a sex tape. I’m proud to share that I have achieved the first 2 missions (and have cat scratches on my face and “the clap” to prove it.) In the remaining nine months of this year, I intend to accomplish my sex tape videography. Good news to my perviest of fans: It will be exponentially raunchy. Bad news: It will only be available on Beta Max.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? - Beth Bernard Curley, Greensboro, North Carolina

I am unable to answer your inquiry. Why?.. you might ask… Bernard Curly of Greensboro, North Carolina. I was born without a tongue. Please refer to the column “Ask a Porn Star.”