Day 290 - I Am Me. Now Give Me Your Money

May 25th, 2010

Last night I was at my preferred neighborhood French bistro, drinking a Stoli cranberry and enjoying the live soulful blues music of Lipbone Redding. Between sets, he was gallivanting around the restaurant seeing if patrons would be kind enough to contribute some American currency into his bucket. His asking style was like his music...efficient, gentle and personable. Three attributes(that, if I may, blow smoke up my ass) I feel that I possess.

Can I dare to dream that my lifetime will offer multiple opportunities for me to collect money for just being me? This ambitious endeavor will not be in the spirit of being a pauper or feeling worthy of a monetary reward after one of my shows.

In what is turning out to be the cockiest entry of my 365 day blog entry challenge, I commit to be presumptuous enough to assume that you will be inspired to give me money because I am, quite simply, fun to hang out with.

I imagine my quest would become a reality in the following scenarios:

- We meet up in a pool that is particularly chilly, I pee next to you in the water. Now you are warm...and grateful. You give me money.

- There is a long line at an unairconditioned ATM vestibule. I get naked. You pay me for my goods(not my services.)

- You and I decide to go to the cineplex and I talk at an excessive decibel level. The whole time. You come to terms that you are lucky to be with someone who provided such audible (even if wildly inaccurate) commentary. Who's appreciative? You are. Ching ching.

- I'm at confessional and the priest begs me (with a certified check) to shut up. Clearly because he is overwhelmed by my awesomeness.

- We are sitting next to each other on a plane. I go on incessantly about my lifelong battle with a series of contagious rashes. You feel blessed to be sitting next to such an open, honest and rash-alicious woman. You slip me a 20. In my cleavage.

- As luck would have it, I'm expelling bodily fluid next to you at a urinal. You are deeply touched that I taught you that women can, yes indeed, pee standing up. You insist on giving me your pension.

- You so enjoyed spending time with me in this blog for the last 3 minutes ( 5 if you're a slow reader.) At this very moment you're thinking, " If I had a nickel for everytime I wanted to pay Jax...I would have 5 cents."to pay Jax...I would have 5 cents."