Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Day 276 - Credit Friendly or Credit Douche?

May 11th, 2010

Websters Dictionary's definition of credit card - Any card that may be used repeatedly to borrow money or buy products and services on credit. Issued by banks, savings and loans, retail stores and other businesses.

Sample sentence - I was low on cash so I used my credit card to buy a Chia Pet. And a hooker.

Urban Dictionary's definitions of credit card - The act of sliding your hand through one's ass crack.

Sample sentence - When Sylvia was bending over, I was so tempted to give her a good ol' credit card.

Oh Urban Dictionary, right when I feared that you won't go there...you do. And I love you for that.

My initial direction with this blog was to do a Q&A with Sylvia so she could share the particulars of receiving a credit card. Sadly, she was unavailable for questioning because she is currently getting a Jackson Pollock. And I don't speak of a canvas from the abstract expressionist painter. Look it up.

So we are left to explore credit card definition #1.Taking into account that the average American is at least $9,000 in debt, it seems that many of us are easily tantalized by solicitations and items that have no practical use or advantage.

Although our debt could prevent us from ever qualifying for a mortgage, let's attempt to turn chicken shit into chicken salad by exposing the advantages of having a tiny glistening piece of plastic with a 75% interest rate. To pay off. For a lifetime.

Advantage #1 - We will be accepted by other Americans who contribute to the $2.5 trillion dollars in consumer debt. And being a part of a group...is awesome.

Advantage #2 - Credit cards are ideal for removing the sticker off the $6.99 bottle of wine we brought to that house party in the Hamptons.

Advantage #3 - Coke addicts agree...using credit cards to separate cocaine into lines to snort is effective. And easy. Say goodbye to those pesky razor blade cut jagged lines.

There is one population that I feel "indebted" to mention before I exit this blog at a leisurely pace. Credit card collectors. They just push too hard for our payments on our debts owed. Plain and simple. They call too much and it just comes down too this: It's not sexy. If we haven't called you back, we're just not that into you. I'm under the impression that these collectors had no other choice but to be in this shit vocation because they are the worst offenders of consumer debt. Of the thankless careers, credit card collector is pretty much at the top of the list. Closely followed by toll booth agent, middle school substitute teacher and jerk booth cleaning lady at Adult Showorld. Triple X.


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