May 20th, 2010
If a motorist and a pedestrian were to breed...their baby would be a bicyclist. I'm proud to announce that I have been birthed and inducted into the elite badass population of cyclists, the lovechild of machine and human.
My dear friend was kind enough to give me her 3 year old Trek Navigator 100 mountain bike and (if everything goes according to plan) my world will expand. And my ass will not.
Owning a bike in Brooklyn is an essential part of the borough fiber that is sure to up my status and secure my dream of becoming Brooklyn homecoming queen. It screams, "You know who's arrived? Jax has. On 2 wheels."
I know you're feeling bewildered and thinking, "But Jax! You always felt disdain toward bicyclists because they aggressively and pompously whisked by you...with uninvited sass." Yes, I was a skeptic until today when I was that aggressive pompous whisker...and was encompassed by heightened pleasure during every minute of it. I've never been happier.
In just a few hours, here's how I became a biker dick:
- I rode facing traffic in order to make eye contact with drivers and shoot them the finger.
- I weaved in and out of the streets to prove that I was agile, flexible and shitfaced.
- I rode into an intersection without obeying a stop sign. I got off my bike, put my arms in the air and yelled to the drivers, "Not only are you hurting the environment, you're hurting Al Gore!"
- I made a point to ride on the sidewalk. Easier to kick the strollers.
- When it got dark, I didn't turn on my high power LED lights.This effectively told pedestrians and motorist that they look better in the dark.