Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Day 269 - Enablers Are Really Just Special Givers

May 4th, 2010

Oprah Winfrey - American television host, producer, philanthropist, provider of an unfortunate couch. That Tom cruise destroyed.

But no contribution to the world has been more treasured than Ms. Winfrey birthing the esteemed career of Dr. Phil. His PHD from the prestigious North Texas State University, radiant bald head and child molesting moustache has galvanized millions of people to "get real", heal and get a hold of those coveted 15 minutes of fame on his syndicated daytime talk show.

Oh good doctor, the tides are about to turn. There’s been a remarkable discovery (in my head.) My team of imaginary handlers have learned that Dr. Phil has a long lost evil twin. Dr. Fil. From an alternative universe. Unfortunately, the “lesser than” Fil was sent to another dimension by his lesbian mothers(Phyllis 1 and Phyllis 2.) They were repulsed that he didn’t possess Phil ‘s striking good looks. And was born without an index finger. And Anus.

In my effort to have a blog topic for today, I arranged for Fil to return to earth on a meteor (disguised as a Jet Blue aircraft.) Alternative Universe Dr. Fil has only one mission. Destroy the empire that his estranged brother has created. In his soon to be released literary masterpiece,“How to Shatter the Lives of the People You Love”, Evil Fil refutes the well intended advice that his brother has soothingly bequeathed unto bored housewives.

Let’s visit a blurb from Chapter 13 entitled, “Enablers Are Really Just Special Givers”.

Dr. Fil tells us, “My douche brother claims ‘an enabler is acting out of a sincere sense of love, loyalty and concern, steps in to protect, cover up for, make excuses for and become more responsible for the chemically dependent person. This can prevent the chemically dependent individual from the crisis that might bring about change, and thereby prolong his/her illness.’ Phil, you’re a dick and if I had an anus, I’d shit all over you. Below are the common enabling behaviors that my brother discusses. I’d like to counter with why you should in no way alter your admirable enabling behaviors."

Dr. Phil - Enabling behavior - Avoiding problems by trying to keep the peace. Believing that a lack of conflict will solve problems.

Dr. Fil - Keep avoiding the problems soldier. The conflict could lead to a nasty physical brawl with the addict. And you won’t win because you stopped doing Pilates and put on those extra 15 pounds. Just remember… the next time you have the urge to take hold of a Hostess Cinnamon Streusel, consider telling yourself “A moment on the lips.. an eternity on the hips.”

Dr. Phil - Enabling behavior - Feeling superior; treating the dependent person like a child.

Dr. Fil – You’re the best. And don’t you forget it. Treating the person like a child? You know whose commendably nurturing? You are.

Dr. Phil - Enabling behavior - Denying that the person is using drugs or is chemically dependent.

Dr. Fil - "Denial is not just a river in Egypt". It’s what makes you lovable.

Dr. Phil - Enabling behavior - Keeping your feelings inside.

Dr. Fil - Nothing screams self control like the ability to hold your emotions in. I salute you. And so does the person you’re enabling. Sure, you could die an early death due to the physical and psychological ramifications of holding in your feelings.... but who wants to live to be 100 anyways? And deal with incontinence?

Dr. Phil - Enabling behavior - Telling Yourself. "This too shall pass."

Dr. Fil – You don’t want it to pass! If the dependent person recovers, you’re left with nothing to do. Bored. Without a purpose. Unemployed enablers are not subsidized by the government. Yet.

This book is Jax approved. I’ve been enabling for years. Never been happier.

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