Day 267 – Drunk off Success. And Arson

May 2nd, 2010

• WALT DISNEY was fired by a newspaper editor because "he lacked imagination and had no good ideas."

• ALBERT EINSTEIN didn’t speak until he was 4-years-old and didn’t read until he was 7. His parents thought he was "sub-normal," and he was expelled from school because his teachers described him as "mentally slow, unsociable and adrift forever in foolish dreams."

• MARILYN MONROE was told by the director of the Blue Book Modeling Agency, "You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married."

• At JERRY SEINFELD’s first professional stand-up show, he froze and stumbled through "a minute-and a half" of material and was jeered offstage.

• MICHAEL JORDAN was cut from his high school basketball team. Jordan has said, "I've failed over and over again in my life. That is why I succeed."

I credit these celebrated legends because they made a conscious choice not to let the fear of failure discourage their perseverance. They chose not to halt their efforts and ultimately achieved wild success. I’d also like to praise them for not swimming in another paralyzing phobia. Fear of success. Many of us fear actively pursuing our dreams because it tests our limits, makes us vulnerable to new opportunities and can expose weaknesses that force us to deal with our flaws.

On day 201, I wrote an entry entitled, “Cow Hoof Trimmer”. I wrote of seemingly eccentric careers that we’d have to settle for during these bleak economic times. My apologies. To you. To me. To us. I sense that I might have been snobbish, insensitive and unaware of the actuality that some of you (and even me) might crave these job opportunities… but haven’t reached our life’s purpose because of our debilitating fear of success. I want to help us overcome what’s holding us back. I have come up with powerfully effective affirmations that are sure to manifest the dream jobs that I mentioned on day 201.

Heads up. The following are real careers. I couldn’t make this shit up.

1. Odor Tester (We can be a chemist who smells deodorants to make sure they have the pedigree odor that is worthy of coming in contact with our armpits.)

Affirmation: “I can smell a Taco Bell Chimichanga while being submerged under water. In an above ground pool. I have a gift. And I am sharing it."

2. Waste Station Worker (We get to work with other people’s shit. Literally.)

Affirmation – "I offer my uniquely creative talents and abilities to take pleasure in waste products from an animal's digestive tract expelled through the anus.”

3. Fortune Cookie Writer

Affirmation – “I love what I do and I do what I love. Even if I have little to no command of the English language.”

4. Professional Whistler

Affirmation – “Even though I was born with no mouth, thinking outside of the box leads me to create sound by controlling a stream of air flowing through another orifice.”

5. Snake Milker (We would be responsible for getting the venom out of snakes to make the anti-venom.)

Affirmation - "I'm worth it. I deserve to remove poisonous secretion from elongated, legless and carnivorous reptiles. Especially when they’re on a plane. With Samuel L. Jackson.”

6. Cow Hoof Trimmer

Affirmation – “Giving cows a pedicure is exactly right for my needs. And the needs of cows. They deserve the opportunity to wear open toed shoes.”

7. Ostrich Babysitter (We would sit in a field full of ostrich and make sure that they didn't peck each other to death or get stolen.)

Affirmation- “Even though I stole an ostrich (and pecked it to death) during fraternity hazing, I now possess a strong sense of self, values and ethics to protect large flightless bird. Which, by the way, are delicious “

8. Adult Store Attendant (We would get to clean up the booths where clientele "test" the pornographic merchandise.)

Affirmation – "I rejoice in knowing that pleasure was received. I’m meant to partner with multi-surface cleansers to get that streak free shine.”

9. Forest Fire Lookout (We would sit in a tower looking for fires.)

Affirmation – “I am responsible for all the Los angles fires so I have inside knowledge as to where to locate deadly blazes. I am capable. Why? Because I’m drunk. Drunk off arson!”

10. Lawyer

"I am a money magnet and prosperity is drawn to me even though I’m widely despised, predatory and lack a moral code. Friends are drawn to me because I am a powerful entity that can get them out of parking tickets. I’m awesome.”