Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Day 369 – You Can’t Change the World by Freaking People Out

September 21, 2010

Dear Over The Top New Agey Types,

You can’t change the world by freaking people out.

New Agers…I write to you as a group(even though I’m certain that it’s safe to assume that some of your names are Dandelion Vegan, Harmony Dosha and Tom Cruise.)

You guys have been approaching me for years assuming that I possess those “Je ne sais what” attributes that would make me the obvious choice to join your cohesive social groups of lost souls. Your unyielding perseverance continues to perplex me (and I’m not even wearing my “I’m interested in joining a cult. Just ask me” t-shirt. It’s a cotton blend. Breathes well.)

Sure. There might be wisdom to reconnecting to the flow of lives through worldly energies, universal powers and geometric symbols...but your heavily doused patrouille makes me too nauseous to even consider your argument.

Please understand that I was born with that seeker gene and open to exploring tools that succeed in making our lives more sensible, purposeful and peaceful. I use comedy. It’s a safe tool. I’ll even throw you a bone (oh right....you’re a vegetarian. I’ll toss over some tofu residue) and won't deny that your claims that my only hope for salvation is to seek solace through angels, ascended masters, ghosts, space aliens and Oprah. I’m just not convinced that these “entities” would choose a person with poor personal hygiene to proselytize their wisdom. Ironic that you stand on a soap box when there seems to be no soap involved. Take a shower...then I’d consider taking your pamphlet. For a toilet read.

So watch out new age fanatics. I will cut you. Just kidding. Oh sorry, you don’t laugh? My bad.

But I will retaliate. Gently.

As I shared on day 15, Jax’s Cult, my agenda is to aggressively recruit you and your target audience to join “Jax’s Cult”, the hippest and most exclusive cult that ever was. The only parameter is that my members are super cool. At our first meeting, I see addressing my followers with the following: “Great to have you all in my super cool exclusive cult. Just to be clear, you must have super cool/exclusive tendencies and have an affinity for Kool–Aid, comets, incense and Nikes. In Jax’s Cult, we don’t really have offerings, sacrificing and mass suicides(on weekdays)…. we’re more into smoking pot, watching LOST, eating Chunky Monkey out of the carton…napping.”

I even have a coffee mug that says: World’s Greatest Cult Leader. I bought it for myself.

If you’re interested in joining, please contact my assistant Voldar at Voldar@Jax’supercoolexclusivecult.com 




Monday, September 20, 2010

Day 368 - Ask Jax - Part 27

September 20th, 2010

This is the 27th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. Although I have completed my 365 day blog entry challenge, continuing to regurgitate blog seems to clear my mind as I am putting together my book pitch to submit to agents. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions. Also, Universe, if you're wondering if I'm interested in, ready and able to have my own Ask Jax column in a reputable publication...the answer is yes. Yes I am.

If the pen is mightier than the sword...where does the pencil fit into the equation? - Pete Schwinge, Brooklyn York

Jax’s Answer - Sadly, the pencil has been obliterated from the equation altogether since the pen catapulted into fame and became the “it” writing utensil in the world of “writing to paper”. The pencil is the Blackberry to the iPhone of pens, the Gary Busey to the Nick Nolte, the Stedman to the Oprah. The Number 2 pencils avoided extinction for some time… but ultimately joined the already ousted Number 1 and 3 pencils working as souvlaki skewers at a restaurant with a questionable sanitary rating, Sharwarma Hut.

How can my microwave determine exactly when my popcorn is ready but can't ever figure out when my brisket is warm enough to eat? – Brian Levy, Dallas, Texas

Jax’s Answer

1) Brisket = Popular Jewish holiday dish

2) Microwave= Unable to determine when brisket is warm enough to eat.

3) Microwave= Anti-Semitic

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? - Claudia Mizrahi, Brooklyn, New York

Jax’s Answer – Even the most sadistic and malicious of cannibals are sane enough not to include clowns into their diets. These flesh eating psychopaths, like me, find clown…creepy. Still find yourself in the delusional group that claims, “Clowns? Whatevs. I’m cool with them.”? Please read my entry on day 175:

Jax’s Clown Detainee Camp. For Clowns. Who Do Clown-like Things

January 30th, 2010

My friend Dan asked me why clowns always have tears.

My question to Dan. Would you be crying if you went through life wearing unusually large footwear, forced to sit in a cramped car with 30 of your peers and frequently accused of molesting children?

The reality: Unusually grotesquely costumed and made up jesters that elicit an amused response in a buffoon-like manner can be the catalyst for a paella of feelings. One’s response to a clown might depend on where it is seen. At the circus, a clown is (relatively) normal and may easily be interpreted as a successful amuser of sorts (but so are gay lion tamers.) The same clown holding a family hostage in their isolated country home is more likely to generate fear and distress rather than laughter and amusement.

Ronald McDonald, the seemingly lovable mascot for McDonald's, is referred to as a molester of the children in the majority of Urban Dictionary’s 34 definitions. Sample sentence: “Poor little Jimmy got 'Ronald' again.” The other definitions more gently refer to him as Adolph Hitler, a Marxist and the code name for a lewd sexual act. Luckily for Ronald, attention has been steered away from him ever since the introduction of the new Burger King mascot. I can think of very few things that would traumatize me more than waking up to the abnormally smiley plastic faced “Creepy King” handing me his Whopper while the “Have it Your Way” jingle is playing amongst the chirping birds. You know what Burger King marketing execs? I don’t want it that way. Besides, who wants to eat a hamburger consisting of a flame grilled quarter-pound beef patty, sesame seed bun, mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, pickles, ketchup and sliced onion first thing in the morning. Come on.

So Dan, yes clowns might be crying but you know who else might be shedding tears? We are. Clowns have been terrorizing us since the beginning of time (and "Poltergeist") and they can’t make up for it by twisting balloons into puppies, swords and intestines.

Followers of my blog know that I have a dream of starting a line of Baby Doo-rags. For babies. In baby gangs. I also have another heartfelt agenda that I am voicing for the first time on day 175 of my 365 blog day entry challenge. Jax’s Clown Detainee Camp. For clowns. Who do clown-like things. With the help of Jack Bauer and being forced to spend 18 hours a day miming for blind people, clowns will be stripped of all that has caused gut wrenching fear and dread over the human race for years.

The jig is up Bozo.