Friday, May 7, 2010

Day 272 - The Statue of Liberty. I Love That Bitch

May 7th, 2010

I mentioned in yesterday's breast intensive entry that my mother was visiting her favorite (and only) female offspring from South Carolina. Today we meandered over to Red Hook which I described on day 265 in my blog, "Come Sail Away With Me. Lads" ( as "one of the oldest neighborhoods in New York that is recognized for being full of industrial charm, cobble stone streets and a highly regarded Fairway, Brooklyn’s 'it' grocery. Having a lifetime interest in all things water, Red Hook's harbor is what I find most stimulating. It’s gritty. It’s authentic. It’s Jax."

No visit to the neighborhood is complete without visiting Steve's Authentic Key Lime Pies (that surely inspires key lime enthusiasts to slip into a Halle Berry Oscar acceptance speech..."This moment is bigger than me..." )

Mom and I arrived at the conclusion that we should share a Swingle, a frozen chocolate-covered mini-key lime pie on a stick. As I was attacking the spicy tartness of the key lime pie filling, the crunch of the graham cracker crust and the perfectly balanced bittersweet chocolate, I was facing the New York harbor and being stared at by the Statue of Liberty.

Was she judging me for raping a key lime pie? I don't judge her. And she's French.

My unscrupulousness is in jest because I am of the opinion that we could be friends. Not only are we both statuesque, but we also represent beacons of freedom and hope to Americans since the 1800's.

I needed to know more about this iconic monument whose face bears the most firm and determined expression. Luckily, my team of imaginary friends are always nearby to service my needs. On multiple levels. Historians say that Lady Liberty's left hand holds a tablet with the date of the Declaration Of Independence engraved in Roman numerals. But my hallucinatory comrades arranged for me to have access to the "tell all" literature that she is really grasping. Her Diary.

Come curl up with me readers. Let's smoke a bowl and eat Hagan Daaz out of the carton while I familiarize you with a few "best of" findings in the journal of an unflappable steel lady with remarkable arm strength.

"I do feel as if I've age well and tourists are shocked to discover that I'm 124 years old. My secret: Oil of Olay Definity Deep Penetrating Foaming Moisturizer. It's unique aerated serum foam actively combats the look of skin discolorations to revitalize luminosity."

"I'm 22 stories high. 24 with heels"

"The torch was a real pleaser in the 20th century. But now...environmentalist cry that I'm abusing energy resources. After he invented the interweb, Al Gore just looked at me with disdain, crossed his arms and shook his head in disgust. Then he made out with Tipper."

"I would be devastated if anyone were to discover my promiscuous past. Not only do I feel shame from having 3000 people inside me every day, I also partook in undiscriminating sexcapades with The Lincoln Memorial, Michaleangelo's David and had an orgy with Mount Rushmore.Theodore Roosevelt gave me genital warts."

1 comment:

  1. Oh Man!!!! I am laughing away the key lime pie I had for breakfast.... love this!!