Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Day 380 - Ask Jax - Part 35

December 22nd, 2010

This is the 35th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.

Why is everyone so upset with full body scans? - Eric Bergson, Seattle, Washington

Jax’s Answer: Simple. It’s foreplay without the sex. If you’re not going to close the deal…please refrain from enticing us with those phallicly shaped seductive body scanning devices that make our bodies tingle with heightened pleasure. Plus, I find the airline body scan tease analogous to the time when someone slipped a roofie in my drink…and didn’t even take advantage of me. You know who you are. Shame on you.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop? - Claudia Mizrahi , Brooklyn, New York

Jax’s Answer: Sorry to say, most of us Jewish girls who grew up upper middle class aren’t versed in the world of pawnshops. However, if you’d like to join me for Chinese on Sunday night, I’m available.

I get sad when I think of Helen Keller. Do you? – Anonymous, Orlando, Florida
Jax’s Answer: Not as sad as I feel for this girl playing the deaf blind girl in the following community theater production of the Miracle Worker:

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Day 379 - Ask Jax - Part 34

December 9th, 2010

This is the 35th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.

When will I see you? - JillSchimmel, New York, New York

Jax Answer - Yes, there are times when I have been compared to Keyser Söze, often spoken of...but never seen. I do work in mysterious ways. Well my sweet Jill, you can feel me with you at all times if you use your third eye while on a disturbingly intense acid trip. Look for me between the 2 animated dancing bears. If you can't find me there...try the Olive Garden in Times Square.

What do you think of one night stands? - Anonymous, Seattle, Washington

Jax's Answer - - Eh, not so into them. When it comes to sex, why have a Twinkie when you could have a crème brûlée? However,in this economy, I do salute the prostitutes utilizing their sexin' for a fee. A slew of one nightstands= Pretty kick ass work ethic.

If I have an itch, should I scratch it? - Adam Holtz, New York, New York

Jax's Answer - There are some questions that the universal answer will always be an absolutely no doubt about it I 'd swear on my mother's grave...and your mother's grave...YES. This is one of those. If you have an itch, for the love of Jesus Harold Christ, scratch it. If you want to torture yourself, watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills...while eating nails. Other inquiries that would always be answered with an affirmative:

- Does a man in a black turtleneck and black pants look like Phil Collins in the No Jacket Required album cover? - Yes

- Is today tomorrow's yesterday? - Yes

- Is it abnormal if a straight guy doesn't fantasize about a threesome? - Yes

*A question Ask Jax would have to research would be: Does a mime shit in the woods? This I do not know.

Can fat people go skinny-dipping? - Claudia Mizrahi, Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer - Now this question would require the exact opposite stance. My answer to "Can fat people go skinny dipping?" is NO. In truth, they can. But should they? No. No they should not. Think about it. Ew. The following are some questions that would always be answered with the negative:

- Is it right when you see a kid on a leash and a dog in stroller. - No

- DidAsk Jaxgive you your venereal disease? - No

- Do you think that OJ Simpson was just "misunderstood"...? - No

*However, I am unsure of the following: Does OJ Simpson shit in the woods? Again, not sure about this.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Day 378 - Ask Jax - Part 33

December 1st, 2010

This is the 33rd installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.

Who likes ice cream more, Ben or Jerry? - Mike Webster, Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer - Ben & Jerry's was originally called Ben, Jerry & Howie's. Ben Cohen, Jerry Greenfield and Howie McJewishshtein were childhood friends and dessert pioneers who made the world take notice of frozen dairy. They were rewarded with fast cars, fast woman and a plaque from the Surgeon General praising their effort to contribute to America's obesity epidemic. The ice cream empire's downward spiral began when Howie realized that he was the only one pulling the weight when coming up with innovative flavor combinations. Cherry Garcia, Chunky Monkey and Chubby Hubby were all his creations. Meanwhile, Ben and Jerry were responsible for poorly received flavors like Nails & Honey, Oprah Saliva and Vanilla. It did not go over well when Howie confronted his two partners about their lack of creativity. In a deserted Vermont field, Ben and Jerry doused Howie with hot fudge and lighter fluid. His body was never recovered. Oh yes. Who likes ice cream more, Ben or Jerry? Neither care for it. They're lactose intolerant.

Why has it been storming for 24 hours straight. Tell me Jax. Why? - Anonymous, Princeton, New Jersey

Jax's Answer: Rain. God's way of orchestrating a wet t-shirt contest. Perv. But I still want to win.

The annual Christmas tree lighting that takes place in New York City's Rockefeller Center, why all the hype?- Jill Jones, Brooklyn, New York

Jax's answer - I've never really bought into the excessive publicity around this live broadcast. In fact, it troubles me that NBC execs scout out country folk and offer a cash exchange for these people's most prized possession, a 100 foot spruce. People with a giant spruce, I assume your freakishly large tree even has the initials of lovers carved into it. That's adorable. Don't sell out. Interesting note, the original premise of the book, The Giving Tree, wasn't a tale about a long term relationship between a young boy and a tree in a forest. In the original, the boy was approached by the Rockefeller Center higher ups and had no qualms about giving his tree away for their ceremony. This happened on page 2. It was a short book. More of a pamphlet.