Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Day 377 - Ask Jax - Part 32

November 24th, 2010

This is the 32nd installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.

What is the cheapest airline ticket I can buy that will let me get a nice pat down with no intention of ever getting on the flight? - Jason Maxham, Chicago, IL

Jax’s Answer – US "I Will Violate You in Ways That Will Lead to Shame and Confusion" Air

Is the sparrow better in Istanbul near the fire? – Paul Hale, Brooklyn, NY

Jax’s Answer. – If I had a nickel for every time I was asked this question, I’d have 5 cents. The sparrow is absolutely NOT better in Istanbul near the fire. These plump brown-grey birds make the mistake of nesting in buildings in large cities and Istanbul is the 5th largest city in the world with a population of 12.8 million. Sparrow roasting on an open fire (which is also a hit Turkish holiday song) is considered a delicacy in this Far East metropolis. Note to readers. Shall you decided to travel to Istanbul and treat yourself to this succulent dish, I suggest topping it with some A-1 Steak Sauce and a sprig of parsley.

What was Willis talking about? - Dan Neveloff, New York, NY

Jax’s Answer – Seldom discussed was the fact that Willis adhered to the doctrine of opposition to the social and political establishment. So, as it turns out, Willis was talking about Anti establishmentarianism. He was simply trying to explain that he viewed our nation's power structure as corrupt, exploitative and repressive. Also...sometimes, he was talking about bacon.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Day 376 - Ask Jax - Part 31

November 19, 2010

This is the 31st installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.

Why do I find random condoms on the side of the street, on the side walk, even in the park, are there really that many people having sex in public places and they can't throw their used or even unused condoms in a trash bin? Tell me Jax, WHHHHHHHHHY??? - Shelby Richter, Somewhere with Horses, Colorado

Jax’s Answer - Sorry, I'll try to be tidier with my used condoms.

Is it true that women can tell within the first hour of the first date.....?? – Brian Baron, Brooklyn, New York

Jax’s Answer – Absolutely. If a man has a weak handshake, a wandering eye and is wearing a “Bedbugs are Just Misunderstood” t-shirt…then run. Like the wind. Ladies, I also suggest observing how he treats the wait staff. This is how he will treat you in 20 years. As for me, I insist that my date bring a copy of his W-2’s for me to peruse. Let’s not waste our time.

How do people with no arms clean up after using the toilet??? - Jeremy Berk, Los Angeles, California

Jax’s Answer - In 1985, a Trivial Pursuit question taught me that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the body. That is all.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Day 375 - Ask Jax - Part 30

This is the 30th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.

Why do people groom in public? - Michelle Kraskin, New York, New York

Jax’s Answer: I used to ponder the same conundrum. Then, for the sake of research, I shaved my armpits while walking down 5th Avenue. Never been happier.

What's up with some people never being on time? Paul Hale, Brooklyn New York

Jax’s Answer - The chronically late tend to irritate even those of us who are good natured and patient. I pride myself in being a prompt person so I am generally the recipient of some genuine and inane excuses when someone is a fan of tardiness. I think it really comes down to two types of people who fail to arrived at designated times. Those who have a legitimate excuse and those who are assholes. Be gentle with those who lost track of time because…

- they had to stop at the ATM to get you money for just being a nice guy.
- they were saving a kitten from a tree. It was a Persian.
- they noticed a questionable package on the subway. They saw something. And said something.

Consider removing the tardy offender from your life if they failed to show up on time because…

- they were on the phone with your mom…discussing your failures.
- they were at a “Save the Bedbugs” rally.
- they were putting a questionable package on the subway.

I just got reamed out by a gay man via email and he won’t return my calls to discuss the matter at hand? - Anonymous, San Francisco, California

Jax’s Answer - Ahhh yes,the one who throws the grenade into the woods then runs out of the forest. They’re precious. Simple: If you’re gonna be such a bitch… don't be such a pussy.


Friday, November 5, 2010

Day 374 - Ask Jax - Part 29

November 5th, 2010

This is the 29th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.

Is it wrong that I get annoyed when people say, “Let us not forget 9-11?” – Anonymous, New York, New York

Jax’s Answer: Not as wrong as my friend who says, “Let us not forget 11-9.” He found out 2 months late.

Is seeing someone who lives in NJ geographic relationship suicide? - Heather Antonelli, Brooklyn, New York

Jax’s Answer: If your geographical preferences lean toward an over-paved gloomy wasteland that’s spiritually dead, then I think your relationship has the capacity to develop into something that could benefit your mind, body and spirit. Or at least just your body. I say proudly saunter across the Hudson and nuzzle comfortably in the bosom of your new man. Just watch out for the gold chain. Also, please remove your bumper sticker that says: Jersey, A Good Place to Pass Through. At Night. While you’re there, I recommend also disposing of the bumper sticker that reads: DUKAKIS '88.

Can people change - Page Newsom Pelphrey, Guilford Connecticut

According to a Brady Brunch song that aired January 14th, 1972, the world learned that people can indeed change. Let’s review the lyrics to “Time To Change” which allowed Peter to embrace his awkward journey through puberty.

“When it's time to change, then it’s time to change

Don't fight the tide, come along for the ride, don't you see

When it's time to change, you've got to rearrange

who you are into what you're gonna be.

Sha na na na, na na na na na, sha na na na na

Sha na na na, na na na na na, sha na na na na"

Powerful stuff. We too should take Peter’s lead and know that we can overcome the fear of change… of course, only through Brady song.

Have you ever had sex while coming off sodium pentothal and hopped up on Jack Daniels and Percocet?Scott Stern, Los Angeles, California

Jax’s Answer: According to my rash, yes…yes I have.