Saturday, July 31, 2010

Day 357 - Ask Jax - Part 24

July 31st, 2010

This is the 24th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

Why? - Emily Fitch, Charlotte, North Carolina

Jax's Answer - You did the right thing by coming to me with matters related to esotericism. I've been told (by myself) that I have a firm grasp on what might inspire reasons. Causes if you will. Let's look at history's most notable "Why?" I shall dissect the purpose.

In 1994, Olympic skater, Nancy Kerrigan, was captured on camera after being clubbed in the knee by Shane Stant at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships, an attack planned by rival, Tonya Harding's ex-husband Jeff Gillooly and friend Shawn Eckardt. Post attack footage of Kerrigan wailing, "Why, why, why" swept the airways. So...soon after, we found out just WHY. As it turns out, Nancy Kerrigan was whiny and entitled all along. Plus, during a Disney parade, she called Mickey Mouse "corny." Needless to say, her snobbery resulted with a clubbing orchestrated by Donald and Goofy.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? - Claudia Mizrahi, Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer - First off, audiences of forest animals like bears, raccoons and moose are known as "tough crowds" in comedy circles. However, if you're a comedian and your career has taken you to gigs in the woods...then it's safe to assume your jokes won't land anywhere.

What's with Noah and the keeping of the mosquito's? - Ken Miller, Colorado Springs, Colorado

Jax's Answer - Originally, Noah had no intentions of bringing the pesky mosquitoes along. However, the night before he set sail, he was getting high on the stern with the orangutans and developed a deep interest in eventually breeding a mosquito with a caribou...and breed a Caribou-quito. Also, little known fact, Noah, total douche.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Day 356 - Accountable, Not Accountable or Count von Count

July 30th, 2010

On day 158 of my 365 day blog challenge, I wrote an entry called “Jew, Not-a-Jew or Canadian?” I gave you scenarios and asked you which of these three categories the examples fell under.( On day 166, I brought to you another list to test your knowledge of 3 interchangeable people: Bill O’Reilly, Kanye West and Mother Teresa. ( Determining if you were celebrating Passover, Easter or The Festival of Steve Guttenberg was where we journeyed on Day 235( And just because I was curious, on Day 243, I needed to know if you had the Fear of Failure, Abandonment or Zombies? ( On day 253, I had you determine if you were suffering from penis panic, vagina fervor or Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo( on day 282, I proposed that you ask your soul if it comes from a place of Schadenfreude, Mudita or Indifference ( and on day 332, you admitted that you would most likely die from a heatwave, old age or douchebaggery(

Today, I'd like us to take responsibility for our words and actions. Self constructive criticism is no easy task...but my blog is a safe place. I've seen undesirable behavior in myself, people close to me and random strangers on the street. Let's own up to our behavior and admit if we glide(or pillage) through life as a person who is accountable, not accountable or Count von Count( often known simply as the The Count, vampire-like Muppet on "Sesame Street".)

- Your tendency not to own your actions and blame others for your own shortcomings has resulted with you being typed cast as "The Victim" in all the community theater plays.

- You're made of felt.

- You're Jerry Orbach (in "Dirty Dancing") apologizing to Johnny Castle when you realize you wrongly assumed Johnny was the one who got Penny pregnant. You fess up and admit, “When I’m wrong, I say I’m wrong.”

- In high school, you were voted "Most likely to be responsible, answerable and liable."

- Your ex-ray shows that you have a human arm up your torso and a hand operating your mouth.

- You've been known to say, "I prefer to follow the moral codes of Hitler, Stalin and Hannibal Lecter."

- At your office, you ate your co worker's leftover Ziti al Forno from the Olive Garden. When asked if you were the perpetrator, you casually respond, "Oh yeah..that was me."

- You have a compulsive love of counting and will count anything and everything, regardless of size, amount or how much annoyance you cause others around you.

- Your profile says, I pride my self in my culinary skills, athletic abilities and making others feel like they're the ones that are crazy, lost, upset, confused and a litany of other emotions, when in actuality I'm the one who feels these emotions. Also, I love to para-sail!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Day 355 - Hair-mony

July 29th, 2010

Location: Body hairs from the hairiest woman in the world are congregating at the shower drain.

(Eyebrow Hair and Nose Hair are tweezed and slide to the shower drain where Pubic Hair is waiting)

Pubic Hair - Hello Nose Hair. And Eyebrow Hair... haven't seen you since our unfortunate visit to the Ukrainian waxer.

Eyebrow Hair - That was traumatic! Afterward, I laid low with Root and Follicle before I came back to Body.

Pubic Hair - That's why I went to Brazil for 4-6 weeks.

Nose Hair - So sorry guys. Sounds tough. (pause) So Pubic Hair...why did you call a meeting of the hairs?

Pubic Hair - I met up with Ear Hair on some scissors the other day and he told me that he heard the "woman" is getting laser surgery.

(Eyebrow Hair and Nose Hair gasp)

Pubic Hair - Evidently she is not impressed with our recyclable powers and being confused for a man. Or an Ape. Here comes Toe Hair and Chest Hair. They already know what might go down. Or off..

(Toe Hair and Chest Hair join the hairs at the drain)

Toe Hair - Hairs! I will not stand for our permanent removal. It's not my fault she didn't win the genetic lottery.

Chest Hair - She needs us. We provide a layer of warmth that no winter coat can compete with! No coat!

Pubic Hair - Settle down hairs. It's important that we remain united. If not...we'll end up like them(points to Black Chin Hair and Gray Hair sliding to the group. Arguing)

Black Chin Hair - You're racist Gray Hair!

Gray Hair - I was born on Jim Crow's head. You can't teach an old hair new tricks.

(Black Chin Hair leans in to attack Gray Hair. He's held back by the Hairs)

Pubic Hair - Enough....we need to stick together.. .the "woman" has a 2pm appointment at TLC Laser Center.

(Black Chin Hair and Gray Hair become speechless and express concern)

Toe Hair - Is she planning on doing it from head to me?

Pubic Hair - Toe Hair, here's the information I have. The plan is to remove everything from the brow down. Head Hair is safe.

Nose Hair - Head Hair!? She's such a Bitch!

Chest Hair - Totally. .the "woman" unjustifiably regards Head Hair as the Ivy League of hairs.

(Leg Hair comes in laughing...not knowing of impending doom)

Leg Hair - So she shaved me with a cheap single blade Gillette plastic razor. I disappear for five minutes. What's the point? Seriously.

Gray Hair - Well don't get used to your hasty comebacks...we're being eliminated. Permanently.

Leg Hair - Laser? I thought Ear Hair was fucking with me.( starts to cry.)

Pubic Hair - Hairs, I am a Pubic Hair. Strong and wise. I have an escape plan. I had all of us congregate here at the drain because we're relocating to a place where we ALL are revered and can have a place to call our home. Forever.

Chest Hair - But where Pubic Hair? Where?

Pubic Hair - An ungroomed standard poodle.

Eyebrow Hair - Brilliant! But how do we make the pilgrimage to the dog?

Pubic Hair - This is how(he points to Ear Hair flying towards them while riding Handlebar Moustache Hair)

Nose Hair - Brilliant!

Pubic Hair - Handlebar Moustache Hair will now fly us away to where hairs can live together. In Hair-mony.

(While Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" plays in the background, all the hairs hop on Handlebar Moustache Hair and fly away to an upscale purebred doggie daycare.)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Day 354 - Sexbert

July 28th, 2010

THEY say that there are four key ingredients in becoming a competent sex therapist. You must:

- Become a therapist
- Specialize in sex therapy
- Get plenty of supervised training
- Get licensed in your field

I generally don't like refuting the wisdom of THEY, but I feel that there is really only one practical component to being a sexologist: You have had sex.

The majority of sex therapists that I have experienced on that television tube and magazine literature in the racks in the grocery store aisle would fall into the latter on the "Hot or Not" website.

I'm not saying that all sex therapists are virgins, I just don't want to picture them doing it. Feisty cultural icon in the 1980s, Dr Ruth Westheimer, brought us in the new age of franker, freer talk about sex on radio and television. The 4-foot-something spunky German claims that she "first had sexual intercourse on a starry night, in a haystack—without contraception." Didn't see that coming. Then there's the unfortunate fornicating mental image of "Sexpert", Jamie Bufalino, who writes the "Get Naked Column" in "Time Out New York". There's little to disprove that he is the lovechild of the 40 year old virgin and the guys I went to Hebrew school with.

Let's keep this simple y'all...The ONLY way to guarantee that your sex therapist has had sex is if they have a child, venereal disease or sex tape(think Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels, Eric Dane, Rebecca Gayheart, Dustin Diamond, Fred Durst, John Edwards, Amy Fisher, Tonya Harding, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Rob Lowe and my ex boyfriend.)

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Day 353 - Little Bunny Fee Fee

July 27th, 2010

Check it:

Consumer Reports estimates that every year U.S. consumers pay at least $216 billion in financial fees. Let's break it down. Annually, each of us is paying $750 in miscellaneous fees.

After asking my readers to share some bizarre fees on goods and services, it turns out that we're not only being slapped in the face with cell phone bills, credit cards, internet service providers and airlines. Here's what I've learned:

- I still find it insane when I have to pay to use a public restrooms while abroad! Additionally, while in Turkey, I got charged for the use of condiments on our table at the resort I was staying at...salt and pepper I'm talkin! - Amy Kerner

- An Irish airline charges for the bathroom. - Nicole Abramovici

- McDonald's has their own tax called take-out tax. Look at your receipt. It ain't no couple pennies nothing neither. Every time you order to go or even to eat in. - Alexander V Moukarbel

I know. You're saying, "But Jax, all this service fee stuff is still so confusing to me. Please explain it to me. Gently."

Alright. Do you remember Little Bunny Foo Foo, a children's poem involving a rabbit harassing a population of field mice? Let's review:

Little bunny Foo Foo
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head
Down came the Good Fairy, and she said
"Little bunny Foo Foo
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head."

It turns out that L'il Bunny Foo Foo's frowned upon behavior has spiraled even further and he's changed his name to Little Bunny Fee Fee. The once rather innocent poem now has some disturbing subtext.

Little bunny Fee Fee
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head(and telling the mice that if they fly internationally on American, British Airways, Continental, Delta, United, US Airways and Virgin Atlantic, they'll be paying $60 to check a second bag.)
Down came the Good Fairy, and she said
"Little bunny Fee Fee
I don't want to see you( charging $36.95 should the mice choose to e- file their taxes on TurboTax. and...)
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head( by advertising free texts if they're not on an unlimited plan. When in reality, mice end up paying $0.15 every time they send or receive a text.)

Heads up: I'll be imposing a $15 charge for reading my blog. $45 should you reread it.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Day 352 - Communicate. Like A Khaki Expert

July 26th, 2010

I want to communicate communication today. Quite simply - There can't be a relationship with someone without communicating with them.

I'm not just talking a romantic union. I'm going broad. Readers, it's time to negotiate the oceans between ourselves and our special someones, friendships, coworkers, drug dealers and basically everyone who crosses our path. With a mouth.

From what my extensive(Google) research tells me, by expressing our thoughts, values, priorities, ideas, feelings, attitudes and beliefs insensitively, we set the stage for others to experience us negatively. According to interweb wisdom on effective communication, it is not recommended to be:


But how do we fix the remedies of negative verbal two way traffic? The virtual world gave me some suggestions, but I wasn't feeling it. So I've come up with three groups that I feel could teach us how to communicate more congenially, openly and clearly.


To communicate harmoniously, I recommend that people also partake in a two way ass sniff. You know what that says? "I'm assertive. Direct. Anus friendly."


People in careers that involve wearing a headset seem to be on the right track. Ask the the air traffic guys, the gap employees preventing many a khaki disaster with this microphoned boy band headband and bouncers at high end night clubs who communicate in an accountable manner( by agreeing not to let ugly people in.) Once a bouncer asked another bouncer, via headset, if he should let in a girl wearing a low cut tank . He was fired for tying up the frequency.


The Australian man who invented the labradoodle, Wally Conran, is now breeding dogs with bouncers. This population is considered the "Buddhas" of Communicators. Bonus that they're hypoallergenic.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Day 351 - Ask Jax - Part 23

July 25th, 2010

This is the 23rd installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

If your brother is a practicing kabbalist and you're at it OK to convert to Islam? - Stephen "The Pious" Villaine, Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer: Cat Stevens asked me the same question once. At first I was skeptical to advise him to convert to Islam at the height of his fame, adopt a Muslim name and auction away all his guitars... but then I turned soft when he sang "Father & Son" around the friendship circle at Jewish camp. That song gets me. In the heart area.

Why is vacuuming such a pain in the ass? - Anonymous, Atlanta, Georgia

Jax's Answer: Wise choice to remain anonymous in regards to such a censured topic. As for me, I've dropped the ball on vacuuming because it triggers quite a bit of angst:

- My emotions have convinced me that vacuuming makes my place dirtier.
- My hair and carpet have developed a union and are conspiring against me. Even the most industrial vacuum cleaner shoots me the finger should I attempt to utilize its suction.
- End result: Outsource the chore. Or neglect it. Good news, my wig making career(that specializes in blonde hair/dust bunnies mullets) is thriving.

Does a Brazilian hurt? (I am seriously thinking about it. A couple of girlfriends swear by it) - Anonomous, Guilford, Connecticut

Jax's Answer: You did the right thing coming to me because multiple people have asked me, "Are you Brazilian?" My answer: "Half. From the waste down."

So here's the deal/ Applying scorching hot wax to our delicate lady parts to tear our hair follicles out by the root is not the most pleasant of sensory experiences. However, you know the payoff is high for you(and your special man.) So please, if you will, repeat my mantra, "It hurts...that means it's working."

I do feel obliged to give you the 'heads up" that some emotional challenges will arise from your delicately intimate relationship with the waxer of your choice. I have attached a past entry, Day 12 - "Wax-achment" to prepare you for the new feelings you will be experiencing with your hair removal specialist.

Day 12 - "Wax-achment"

Yesterday I was getting a manicure at the same place that I had a bikini wax a few days earlier. To the surprise of my fragile heart, my waxer totally ignored me. It was shocking after the intimacy we shared.

And it stung. Badly.

I am not a needy person, but a little common courtesy would be nice after combining forces and sharing something so affectionately confidential. Yet, I’m writing about it. Irony works in mysterious ways. Ms. Waxer and I shared an experience very similar to another activity that involves partaking in an act so intimate and involves endurance, strength, shared sensory experiences and interdependence. No, not doubles figure skating. I speak of THE SEX.

The similarity between like features of THE WAX and THE DOING IT, on which a comparison may be based is oh so evident to me now. Let’s take a look. If what I have written so far is “too edgy” for you I suggest that you stop reading. Now.

• Like choosing a love making partner, we have a type. Plain and simple. I personally prefer the waxing stylings of the Russians to that of the Asians. One of them has hair and the other doesn’t. Know your customer. It’s why I go to a woman gynecologist.

• Sex and waxing both can get messy, hurt more the first time, vary in speed and inspire a variety of positions.

• We have choices. With Waxing: regular, sensitive and the so called "pain free". With Sex: The insanely numerous variety of condoms has become a marketing machine.

• Both involve an enormous amount of trust. Once we experience their style, perhaps we could be willing to explore more heightened and exploratory waxing and sexing options.

• It is to our benefit to have honest conversations before both of these games begin. What do we like and dislike? If we are prone to ingrown hairs..share that piece of information as they are the equivalent to Chlamydia.

• At first, seeing your bed mate and the hair removal specialist every 4-6 weeks can create a mystique.

• The hard truth: Some people just perform better and have mad skillz with the 2 tasks that we discuss.

• Perhaps your consummation is under the umbrella of prostitution. Well, my Russian has a “pimp” that I schedule with. I pay at the end. Enough said.

• Although I am not seeing other waxers, I am certain that she is seeing other people. I tuck that away. ..I don’t want or need to hear the details of such escapades. My waxer has a gift that should be shared. Or something like that. Ugh.

• At the end of both of these "sessions"... our skin has a glow.

• If the waxee or lover wants to prove their commitment, they bring the family on board . In the case of a potential romantic relationship, perhaps a nonthreatening dinner. On our other topic, just believe that a family that waxes together…stays together.

So yesterday when I was blown off by Ms. Formerly Known as Soviet Union, it hit a nerve. But today, my self esteem is back in check. Whatevs. Other waxers want me.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Day 350 - Laziness is Really Just Special Me Time

July 24th, 2010

"Only in laziness can one achieve a state of contemplation which is a balancing of values, a weighing of oneself against the world, and the world against itself." - Jon Steinbeck

The Nobel Prize recipient and author of "The Grapes of Wrath" and "Of Mice and Men" wasn't alone when voicing the merits of being lazy.

Comedian Mitch Hedberg said, “Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck” , the band, The Offspring sang "Why Don't You Get a Job?" and Forrest Gump told us,"Lazy is as lazy does"(or something along those lines.)

Novels have even been written on the disinclination to activity and exertion( interesting that novelists would be experts on laziness...):

- "In Praise of Slowness : Challenging the Cult of Speed."
- "The Right to Be Lazy".
- "Hello Laziness! - Why Hard Work Doesn't Pay"
- "Bonjour Laziness! - How to Work as Little as Possible (Just Like the French)"
- "In Praise of Idleness"
- "Slowly, Slowly, Slowly, Said the Sloth."

I'm fleshing out some of my own book titles should I peruse the Barnes and Noble Lazy section(if I were lazy, I'd peruse online from my bed...or just not attend to the strenuous task at all should it interfere with my nap time from noon to 5:00PM):

Some of my titles:

- "Laziness is Really Just Special Me Time"
- "No Time to Save the World when You have High Thread Count Bedding"
- "Even Smoking Pot is a Chore"

I generally don't seek advice from Christian moral tradition...but they do preach some heavy shit on the topic of sloth, one of the seven deadly sins. According to this monotheistic religion based on the life and teachings of Jesus Harold Christ, being lazy is a capital sin because it destroys the charity in a man's heart and thus may lead to eternal death.

I can see the destroy the charitable heart part..but eternal death...seems improbable. Why? Read My novel, "When You're Too Lazy to Die".

Friday, July 23, 2010

Day 349 - Wet T-shirt. A-Z

July 23rd, 2010

Bad news: Got caught in the rain. Good news: Won the wet t-shirt contest.

Rain part: True. Wet tee champion: Not so much.

I was walking around Greenwich Village with a student who had taken my improv class last year...reminiscing...laughing...whatnotting. Then...the rains came.

Evidently, water pouring onto a woman's chest that results with t-shirts turning translucent and clinging to breasts is a crowd pleaser. Even if the locale is walking down 6th avenue.

Sadly... at 10:30, there was no venue within my sight where I could just run in and scream, "Sign me up. My t-shirt is wet...and I'm feeling competitive!" I did, however, run into the Mail Box Express on the corner to see if they were holding a competition. No. But a delightful sale on packaging tape.

My imagination has been queued to script how it would go down shall I enter a wet t-shirt contest. Since I was with an improv friend, I shall tell the tale in a game that I do in my class: A to Z. The first word of each sentence will begin with a letter from the alphabet starting with A and ending with Z.

About a month a go, I was hanging out in Cancún, Daytona Beach or a Frat boy's fantasy(hard to remember because I was drunk off Jello Shots.)

Biff, a douche from a state school, convinced me to enter a wet t-shirt contest because I had what it takes: Boobs and a t-shirt.

Carlos'n Charlie's was the name of the bar where I was to compete.

Dynamic Duo are the name of my breasts.

Every time I consider dabbling in bad decision making, I find it best to consult with the ladies on my chest.

Finally, they gave me the green light when I told them the winner gets to be in a 1-900 commercial.

Gina McSyphilis was the reigning champion.

Her low self esteem was her secret weapon.

I also heard she banged some of the judges

Jermaine Jackson

Kid Rock

Little Richard

Mind you, I just named a few.

Needless to say, I had to stay focused, committed and energized to beat my respectable competition.

Oh what a proud family I would have if I brought home the coveted wet t-shirt prizes: Trophy, tahara and shame.

Police were on the cheer us on.

"Quality Girl" by original member of the rock band Kiss, Ace Frehley, was the song to kick off the competition.

Recent laws dictate that contestants may no longer reveal full breastage.


The reigning champion, Gina, made a critical mistake.

Unfortunately for her, she decided to fondle her lady parts while proudly screaming, "I have a PhD in....

Venereal Diseases!"

Well...she was booed off the stage and it was wrong for me to assume that I had a shoe in to become the champion.

Xing Lee, the naughty Asian school girl contestant, ended up winning because she wooed the audience, law enforcement officials and even me when she added a vocal technique while displaying simulated acts of lesbianism(with herself.)


Zoology was her major and she had developed a complex high pitched falsetto to communicate with farm animals and frat brothers from across the land.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Day 348 - Greasy Trailer Park Lesbian Threesome Porn Ultimatum

July 22nd, 2010

I have a dad, a brother, guy friends, past boyfriends and a current boyfriend. So I am pretty educated as to what guys adore:

- Beer
- Grills
- Lazy boys(with ass groove)
- Greasy trailer park lesbian threesome porn
- Ultimatums

Oh I know...I am aware that you're saying, "But Jax!," Say it isn't so. Men are in the Facebook group "Fans of Ultimatums"...really?

According to the MOST reliable information source (after Urban Dictionary and my waxer),"Cosmopolitan", men love when women(often in an act of desperation) demand fulfillment in a specified period of time.

Cosmo, You're incorrigible. Tell me how the XY chromosome types are, ya know, totally cool with a good 'ol fashioned ultimatum?

Cosmo :"It's a relationship myth that giving your guy an ultimatum will mess things up."

Jax's Thoughts - Here's another lacking in credibility myth for you. According to the Buddha of middle aged white women in red states, Dr Phil, "It is a myth that a great relationship requires a great romance." Phillip, isn't a relationship without romance a ...what's that word...stay with's coming.. a friendship?

Cosmo: "The best way to make sure you'll stay relaxed is to talk to him as soon as you realize marriage has been on your mind frequently."

Jax's Thoughts: Want to stay relaxed. I suggest the Obama presidential acceptance speech method: Pretend you're The Fonze after 15 hours of Bikram Yoga, reading "The Secret" and downing a bottle of Quaaludes. Oprah stays easy breezy with heart to hearts with Stedman by purchasing a nonthreatening heavyset white man to lean on.

Cosmo:"When you start getting those persistent wedding-bell urges, find a nonstressful time to chat, like during a quiet dinner."

Jax's Thoughts: Be specific, Cosmo. Come on. It's crucial that said "quiet dinner" take place at the Olive Garden. Their motto, "When you're're family" is sure to subliminally persuade your noncommittal special man to make you a part of "his family". If that doesn't work, the magical aphrodisiacs in the Five Cheese Ziti al Forno is sure to make him fall into a love coma. Then a real coma.

Cosmo:" Make a date to have a follow-up convo"

Jax's Thoughts - The follow up is brilliant. During this time, he will meet, fall in love with and marry a woman who doesn't get ultimatum advice from "Cosmo".

Good news. Keep reading Cosmo for tips on how to find a new man: Win his heart by loosing your sense of self, anorexia and the perfect appletini.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Day 347- Ask Jax - Part 22

July 21st, 2010

This is the 22nd installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

The Scarecrow got a brain, Tin Man got a heart, Lion got courage, Dorothy got home, what did Toto get? - Claudia Mizrahi, Brookln, New York

Jax's Answer: Rabies, Kennel Cough and 7 minutes in heaven with a Bichon Frisé in a tutu

How did you train for your marathon? Any special secret? - Page Newsom Pelphrey, Guilford, Connecticut

Jax's Answer: Run. If anything gets in your way...move.

If they shaved Mickey Mouse, would it reveal six-pack abs? - Jarod Kearney, Staunton, Virginia

I wish. Sadly, the nation's "It" mouse is lacking superior, ripped and washboardy abdominal muscles. However Jarod, do shave Mickey if you're interested in seeing nipple rings made of Gouda cheese, a pot belly that's the result of eating too many left over croissants from failed Euro Disney and a tattoo that says, "Donald can kiss my rodent balls. No. seriously. He can."

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Day 346 - Flatter Me With Plagiarism

July 20th, 2010

Last night. Made steak. Felt primal.

My favorite animal is steak. This last sentence. Stole it. Thanks comedian Fran Lebowitz.

I wanted to channel my inner Carlos Mencia and be accused of being a plagiarist by stealing jokes from a number of comedians. In typical South Park fashion, an episode entitled "Fishsticks" had an animated Mencia admit "I took credit for it because I'm not actually funny!.... I just take jokes and repackage them with a Mexican accent!"

Later in the show, he is killed by Kanye West.

So it seems as if the Honduran-born American comedian's career hasn't suffered from taking credit for other people's jokes. So that means one thing. I must aim higher and be the thief of another person's words and ideas.

Let's do this.

I woke up this morning and it was delightful outside. "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin. I needed to go shopping and as we all know, "Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to." - Chris Rock. I hopped in a cab and had the driver stop at the bank. "Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?" - George Carlin. I was unpleasantly overcome by a pungent odor in the car. "What's with the cab drivers and B.O.? Just how long are these shifts? It's like they just get in the cab and drive 'til they are dead. Then they always have that cherry popit on the dashboard. Like that's suppose to be some kind of an improvement. Now you've got the cherry flavored B.O. I can't even imagine fruit going that long without a shower." - Jerry Seinfeld. "I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse." - Dennis Miller.

When I arrived at the Caucasian mall, I was pleased that the food court was selling Hot Pockets. "There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don’t want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea." - Jim Gaffigan. After inhaling the processed microwavable turnover, " I was sweating like Kathy Lee at a Carrot Top look alike contest" - Lisa Lampanelli. My eyes are bigger than my stomach so I continued to peruse more edible mall options. "I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut… I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here… It’s in my file at home. …Under D." - Mitch Hedberg.

I was feeling guilt for overeating because "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." -- Ellen DeGeneres. I blame my overdose on it being that time of the month. "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself" - Roseanne. Whatever the catalyst, I found myself falling into a lethal food coma... I kept repeating, "I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't." - Steve Martin. "It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen.

Like a gift from the mall Gods, my digestion torment was resolved when a perceived romantic option came my way to the left of the Gyro Hut. "I met this lawyer, we went out, I had the lobster bisque. We went back to my place, yadda yadda yadda, I never saw him again." - Elaine Benes. Yeah, I'm alright with that because my mantra is, "When the sun comes up, I have morals again." - Elayne Boosler.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Day 345 - "Don't Let Me Down, Hymie Town"

July 19th, 2010

I have demoted a mild acquaintance's status to "If you're lucky, I might make obligatory eye contact with you on the street" because he shared the following: "Yea, so my cousin is dating a fucking black guy."

Discriminating chatter does not settle well with me. It's naive to feel it. It's naive to say it. Interesting note, the speaker of hate was Native American. I asked him if he was familiar with the Trail of Tears. His response, blank stare.

I get it y'all. Prejudice is about fear – fear of the unknown and fear of others who are different from ourselves. But I also feel that's just a sugarcoated way to say prejudice is about people. Who are dicks.

A reminder to my American readers. Since the powered wig intensive colonial era, heavy burdens of malicious discrimination have fallen upon Native Americans, African Americans, Asian Americans, Mexican Americans, American Jews, Italian Americans, Arab Americans and other immigrant groups and their descendants. In addition to this intolerant horror show, incidents of minorities discriminating against other minorities is not uncommon. The result: I throw my arms up in the air knowing that this just appeases the slew of fear based dicks who's life journey is devoted to seeing all of us obliterated.

The minority to minority lack of tolerance metal goes to American civil rights activist, Baptist minister and candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination, Jesse Jackson.

In 1984, he used "Hymies" to refer to Jews and "Hymietown" to mean New York City while talking to the Washington Post. At first he denied using the remarks and claimed the Jews were conspiring against him. Later he did admit that he did indeed make the'll like this... he was talking disparagingly... in private...with a reporter. I too generally find reporters to be the sensible choice when seeking confidants. I seek solace knowing my secrets are safe with someone's who's paycheck is based on disseminating defamatory data to the masses.

To Jesse Jackson's credit, he did attempt to redeem himself...through song when he crooned the heartfelt lyrics from "Don't let Me Down, Hymie Town". Oh? That was Eddie Murphy doing a parody. (Arms in the air again.)

Either way, let's revisit the song. It's time to heal.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jessee Jackson.
And I was recently quoted in "The Washington Post"
as referring to a certain group of people as "Hymies."
They also said that I called New York, "Hymietown."
I realize that kind of talk isn't kosher,
but let me see if I can explain it to you all in song.

(R&B music plays)

As I said, I'm Jesse Jackson,
and I'm running for President of the United States.
I'm a Libra,
and this is a very special message to all you chosen people out there.
- Don't let me down - Jesse: No, no
- Don't let me down - No, no, no, no
Don't let me down...
Hymietown, well, well Hymietown...
I was your one and only until I read the news
Well, now I'm sad and lonely since I put down the Jews
We have so much in common
'Cause we've both been so oppressed
All right
We both have big noses
And gold chains on our chests
I wanna say please now
- Don't let me down - I'm begging you, please
- Don't let me down - I'm down on my knees, well
- Don't let me down - Hymietown
Hymietown, well, well... Hymietown...
I want to form a new coalition,
of soul people and bagel people.
From the Chitlin' District, to the Diamond District.
From catfish to gefilte fish.
We all need to live as one.
I want to look out over the crowd and see both leather hats
and yarmulkes side by side.
So come on, you brothers and sisters...
all you hymies and hymettes...
- Let's get it together. - Yeah!
Let's bring it all down, well, well, well
I wanna talk about love for one another
Want to form a soul and kosher coalition
I love those black suits you wear
And them little tiny curls that hang down in your hair
You know we all need one another
I want to stay right here in Hymietown, well, well
With all my hymie brothers and sisters
Sometimes I feel a little hymie myself
Baruch ata adonai

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Day 344 - Tampon. Manpon. Jaxpon

July 18th, 2010

My friend, Adam Holtz did the right thing and came to me when he needed to know the following: "Why are the contents of tampons listed on the box as 'ingredients'"?
I did the right thing when I went to my aunt Ruthie for an answer. My wise tanta was endearingly curt with her thoughts on Adam's perplexing Inquiry: "What people are eating is their own business...good to know the FDA has standards. BTW how many grams of fiber in a Super?"

Adam, a few things:

1) The scientific answer: Tampon ingredients include Cotton. Rayon. Love.
2) The answer is "no" when a young woman asks herself ,"I used a tampon for the first time today...does that mean that I'm no longer a virgin?"
3) And Adam, I would love to know the chain of events that led you to peruse the literature on a box of tampons.

Well, the unavoidable has my mind is being "absorbed" by the phenomenon of these plugs found in the the most risque of drug store aisles, Feminine Hygiene.

Marketing pros with MBA's from more prestigious schools than I went to have given us....

Kotex: Your Period is as Unique as You Are

OB: Know Yourself. (Tampon Buddha)

As of five minutes ago, you have one more options: Jaxpons: Because the Unique Pine Cone Absorbency Will Have You Screaming From the Rooftops, "I Feel Like a Woman Today!"

I have been blessed by the Google Gods because I've been guided to the darling of interweb sites: Tampons Crafts: For any time of the month.

They say to think outside of the(Playtex) box and let that inner child bring tampon art to the world:

- Valentines Day: Bloody Heart Earrings!

- Father's Day: Tampon Toupee( a delightful complement to your Viagra cuff-links.).

- Don't second guess applicator options: Think Hanukkah Menorah. A Pan Flute

I support tampon inspired crafts as I want men to also be members of the elite plug club. Let us not forget that the testosterone driven sex also have the manpon option. I choose not to run with this because I'm still in the process of obliterating my guilt around day 324's entry, "Hooked on Colonics"( .)

This is the most my conscious will allow me to share on manpons. My preferred unreliable resource, Urban Dictionary, gives us this sample sentence for manpon: "I had 40 hot wings last night. So I had to manpon it up."

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Day 343 - Look to Fluffy. And Believe

July 17th, 2010

One of the deadliest natural disasters in recorded history, the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, killed over 230,000 people in fourteen countries.

In contrast to the numerous human deaths, the wildlife uncannily suffered almost no casualties.

According to National Geographic:

• Elephants screamed and ran for higher ground.

• Dogs refused to go outdoors.

• Flamingos abandoned their low-lying breeding areas.

• Zoo animals rushed into their shelters and could not be enticed to come back out.

Yesterday I returned from teaching a 5 day comedy improv workshop at the Omega Institute, an educational, personal growth and wellness retreat center in Rhinebeck, New York.
It's do you say... safe place. Even for animals. In the past week, I experienced multiple (skittish) furry and feathered creatures not feeling threatened and utilizing their heightened senses to be sociable.

• Ground hogs were in abundance. And not just their shadows. Up until 6 days ago, I'd never seen one of these "land beavers"( it's OK...I'm giggling too) and now I've been granted permission to stand two feet away from them, share a joint and talk existentialism.

• A gaggle of geese attempted to come visit my improv class in action. Evidently, big fans of "Who's line is it Anyway".

• Even the campus cat was hanging out and not acting like a bitch.

• Magical unicorns flew from the sky and threw sparkly confetti .

*** One of these is an untruth. I know. Like a cat would ever give us the time of day.

Not to go all New Agey on your ass and change my name to Dandelion Kale...but "magic" does happen at the Omega Institute and it oozes with loving, safe and giving energy. The animals got the memo. We get the document too but frequently choose not to read it.

A challenge for us: Let's jump start our intuition and seek guidance from the animals.

I found it very helpful when I asked a groundhog if I should join the Mel Gibson Fan Club.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Day 342 - Ask Jax - Part 21

July 16th, 2010

This is the 21st installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

Are there any good free pottery classes within 20 minutes of my apartment? - Jon Reitzes, Brooklyn New York

Jax's Answer - Jon, it is beyond serendipitous that you came to me with this inquiry because we're neighbors AND I teach a free pottery class. Having been trained in the Patrick Swayze-Demi Moore technique, you will leave my class having mastered pinching, coiling and glazing. My specialty clay projects include making dreidels, urns and Jheri curl intensive busts of Lionel Ritchie's head.

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time, you are near? - Pete Schwinge , Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer: I wear a Pashmina. Made of bird seeds.

Can you watch my cat for a few days? - Clyde Heneriques, Brooklyn, New York

Jax's answer - This is a bold choice because the last time I babysat (Cupcake) the cat she became my muse for a photography project entitled "The Kitty Porn Project". Oh the time we had, we laughed, we purred we liked it better than "Cats". Wait. Scratch that. Below is the summation of how we spent our time together last time(and ideas for future encounters) that I wrote about on "Day 327 - Moroccan BBQ Love & Cold Fusion Kitty". If you feel comfortable with my continued intentions, I'd be honored to pamper your pussy.

As I mentioned, in an effort to take our relationship to the next inappropriate level, I've been photographing Cupcake in her rawest moments. So far the the photo series includes the following installments:.

- Kitty Porn. Part 1 - Cupcake sitting on her cat butt with her cat paw on her cat crotch. Title: Addicted to the Nip. Chronic Masturbator

- Kitty Porn. Part 2 - She's wearing my bikini - Title: Celebrate the Season. Hot or Not?

- Kitty Porn. Part 3 - Title: Kitty with Vibrator

Future installments for The Kitty Porn Project :

- Astronaut Kitty

- Cold Fusion Kitty (Included are goggles, white lab jacket and a Bunsen burner)

- Blow Jobs For Crack Kitty

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Day 341 - Jax's Alternative Universe Bible

July 15th, 2010

I was speaking to a nice person the other day who's been living a life of practicing the seven heavenly virtues - Chastity, Temperance, Charity, Diligence, Patience, Kindness and Humility.

I know. Right? Living Righteously...Borrringggg....

In my effort to convince my readers(and myself) to "own our sins", I have a new anti-bible hardcover entitled:"Jax's Alternative Universe Bible".

I'm aware that you're asking, "But Jax! You wear Jewess jeans. How are you so versed in the New Testament? Simple answer. I have a writing group. And God is a member.

Some highlights from "Jax's Alternative Universe Bible" that can be found at Barnes and Nobles. In the hell section.


God's Bible: “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible: My scriptures encourage you to allow your oversexed genitals to be your guide. Acting on your primal and intense desires with whomever you want, when you want and where you want shows that you're a real "go getter." There is, however, one exception. All followers of the "Jax's Alternative Universe Bible" shall not thrust their self-indulgent craving for sexual intimacy upon my boyfriend. Seriously...not cool.


God's Bible: “For drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags” (Proverbs 23:21).

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible: Eating in excess means you're not anorexic, over drinking says, "Hey, I'm not sober and boring!" and consuming material objects in bulk means you're rich. Or married well. All good things.


God's Bible: “Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more” (Ephesians 4:19).

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible: Excessive self-centeredness reminds the busy sinner to take some "All about me time."


God's Bible: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1) .

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible - I say spurn love and opt for fury. In "A Few Good Men", an enraged anger Jack Nicholson says, "You can't handle the truth!"

In summation, Wrath= Oscar nomination


God's Bible: “Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation” (1 Peter 2:1-2).

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible -Your painful and resentful desire to possess the same traits, status, abilities and situations enjoyed by another is a great way to connect and let them know, "Hey I recognize your awesomeness even if I'm allowing my own insecurities to destroy my life. Let's high five."


God's Bible: “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18).

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible : Have pride in your inflated ego. 1 out of every 2 people went to a high school whose mascot was a panther. Remember what the cheerleaders said to us at the state football game:

Panther pride! Panther pride!
We're steppin’ up, so step aside!
We're the best; we’re here to win
Panther power's here again!

And cheerleaders are wise.


God's Bible: “The way of the sluggard is blocked with thorns, but the path of the upright is a highway” (Proverbs 15:19).

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible: Jobs are overrated, soap operas make you smarter and not showering is the biggest gift you can give the environment. The pot isn't going to smoke itself.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Day 340 - The Answer is Sex, Alex

July 14th, 2010

On Day 319 - "So It Turns Out...We're All Pervs", I wrote the following, "Upon my review, it seems as if my blogs that inspired you to take a moment out of your busy day( being at work or on the phone waiting to speak to a "live" employment representative) were often under a sexual umbrella. Cases in point: Like Michelangelo's fresco on the Sistine Chapel ceiling, you reached out your virtual hand to me(via Facebook and Blogspot comments) when I told you what is required to see my boobs, when we explored the phenomena of penis panic and when we met the STD's at a dive bar called The Itch. Blue Oyster Cult’s “Burnin' for You” was playing."

It takes some time for the writer/reader relationship to develop a rhythm...and as I near the finale of my 365 day blog entry challenge, it only seems fair and balanced that I continue to give you want you want. The Sex.

As there are so many ways we can" "tap" into the topic, I decided to explore another "position" today that I hope will leave us all "satisfied".

My friend Ken, a real think outside the "box" kinda guy, suggested that this blog should "go down" as follows: "Conceive" questions where sex would be the answer. Well, needless to say, I found this idea "arousing".

So, "fuck", let's do this.

In the spirit of going all jeopardy on your ass, the following are inquiries where the answer shall be s-e-x.

- Instead of teaching Bristol the sport of wolf gunning, Sarah Palin should have been talking to her daughter about _______.

- What was anti-gay Idaho Senator Larry Craig in search of when he entered a men's restroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport?

- The only exercise that Americans get these days is ______.

- When I was child, my parents gave me the book, "How Babies Are Made" because they were uncomfortable discussing_______ with me.

- According to Bill Clinton, if there is no penetration, it's not really_______.

- Although it is not clear if George Michael was singing to a man or woman, he exuded his (perceived) definition of sensuality in his song, "I Want Your _______".

- It is still undetermined if Dr. Ruth, Kermit the Frog and stars without make are having _______?

- What is the number "6" in German?

- I'm going to wrap up today's entry because I'm feeling a combination of stress and hot & bothered. It is best that I put away the laptop and attend to my primal urges with dirty primal _______.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Day 339 - Massage. Not So Happy Ending

Dear Mediocre Masseuse,

It comes from a heavy heart that you will not have access to my body anymore. I found your service to be sub par. I don't think there is such a thing as a "bad massage" unless the giver is Edward Scissorhands, Freddy Krueger or someone born without hands. But, to put it quite simply, it wasn't hard enough. Perhaps you were massaging from the head...not the heart. Either way, my boyfriend has been out of town and I was in need of some human contact and you didn't deliver...No, not a happy ending. You're not my type.

When my muscles are being rubbed, kneaded and manipulated, I require that one of three things must occur: I fall asleep, drool or get aroused. To my dismay, none of these criteria were met, my mind started to wonder and I asked myself, "Did I leave the oven on?" Then I became concerned that you left your oven on. The audio you played had running water which just triggered my bladder and using Vaseline instead of some earth scented lotion was just...I don't know...creepy. Your cell phone ringing while you were working on my glutes was hard to justify. Even more difficult to stomach was the "Mission Impossible" theme song ring tone.

I am forced to take a stand and break up with you. I can't be dishonest and say, "It's not's me" because it you. Yes, the separation might come as a surprise as we just had one single encounter, I pretended to enjoy the coddling and I'm a generous tipper. I was groomed to treat service people with respect and I will continue to adhere to that principle...yet, I would ultimately be providing both of us a disservice(in regards to your service) if I didn't gently urge you to consider other careers that require a gentle touch. Milk a are sure to be udder friendly. Babysit delicate newborns. Work in people.

Shall we pass each other on the street...I don't want it to be weird. Assuming I will already be in a relationship with another masseuse, I will be feeling low tress because I'll be getting massaged in the way I deserve to be massaged.

This is not see you later. It's goodbye.


PS: Do you offer gift certificates?

Monday, July 12, 2010

Day 338 - Look to Lamar Latrell

July 12th, 2010

3 of the most memorable movie moments of all time:

- "The Godfather" gave us a severed horse head in a bed.
- Linda Blair's spinning head (much like a dreidle...made out of clay)in the Exorcist".
- Lamar Latrell gracefully throwing the flimsy aerodynamic javelin in "Revenge of the Nerds".

Readers, please tell me you've seen the classic where nerds retaliate with grace, fervor and with the bad ass backing of Lamda Lamda Lamda? Because here's the thing: There are two types of people in the world. Those who know the following song. And those who don't. Ask yourself, "Who am I?"

Clap your hands everybody, and everybody clap your hands!

We're Lambda Lambda Lambda and Omega Mu
We come here on stage tonight to do a show for you

We've got a rockin' rhythm and a high tech sound
That'll make you move your body down to the ground

We've got Poindexter on the violin
And Louis and Gilbert will be joinin' in

We've got Booger Presley on a mean guitar
And a rap by little old me, Lamar

We've got Takashi beating on his gong
The boys and the Mus are clapping along

And just when you thought you'd seen it all
Along comes a Lambda 4 feet tall

Oh..the perceived concept of Nerdom, you are timeless.

I can empathize, sympathize and jazzercise with nerds because, admittedly, my life experience has served up(what doesn't kill you...makes you stronger) moments when people gave me the sucker punching glance that lets me know (in a"delightfully" scathing manner) that they perceive me as lesser than.

How about those ignorantly evil judgers of the world who attain their skewed definition of joy by throwing Lamar Latrell's javelin into the self esteem of others to control the environment around them.

They's diches (douches + dicks.)

What? Oh. You raise a good point. Indeed, it is ironic that I have in fact judged the judgers. You're smart. Like Mensa smart.

Truth is, I have experienced the full circle of people hastily placing me in society's pecking order. You see, I've also been at "the top" looking down because, at times, I've been interpreted as awesome when said judgers know little to nothing about me.

Yeah, you can keep doing that.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Day 337 - Find Peace. Commune with a Magical Robotic Unicorn

July 11th, 2010

For my entries on day 292, 303 and 320("Be the Man Your Mom Is", "Turducken Killed the Meat Making Star" and "Ritalin + Nasal Passages"), I perused my virtual network's Facebook status updates and mentioned the ones that reached me the most in the heart area. I declare today, day 337 of my 365 day blog entry challenge, part four of dissecting the updates that I found most inspiring. Touching. Perplexing.

Today's picks:

Facebook Update: Had fun tonight with some friends I haven't seen in awhile.

Jax's Thoughts: Seriously? That's the best you could do? Readers of statuses(stati?) expect to be indulged by your revelations. If you're not willing to admit that you had fun with old friends because you had a pillow fight, ate Crystal Meth flavored Ben & Jerry's ice cream out of the carton and gave blow jobs for crack, we're not interested. Next.

Facebook Update: My blackberry deleted ALL of my contacts. You haven't been removed due to anger, hate or spite.

Jax's Thoughts - My Blackberry deleted all my contacts once because it had to retaliate for constant dropping. Then my hand held electronic device hit me due to anger, hate and spite.

Facebook Update: I'm on day 337 of my 365 day blog entry challenge. Final stretch. If you wish, throw out topics of interest for the final stretch.

Jax's thoughts: Who is this self indulgent PR whore...Oh wait, that's was my status update. My bad.

Facebook Update: Loneliness is not cured by human company, per se. Loneliness is cured by communing with reality.

Jax's Thoughts - Loneliness is also cured by communing with a magical robotic unicorn that flies through the stratosphere wearing a sundress, drinking a Tab and preaching the benefits of fiber intensive yogurts.

Facebook Update - I'm headed to Pisa and Florence for today's journey!!! lunch suggestions in Florence anyone?

Jax's Thoughts - Olive Garden

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Day 336 Ask Jax - Part 20

July 10th, 2010

This is the 20th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

Just came up from F train...on platform was an enormous doody...human kind...who does this ..when do they do it ? - Ruth Kabat Thomas, New York, New York

Jax's Answer - I'll tell you who leaves their fecal matter on the subway stairs...someone with a healthy digestive tract. I salute a person with a moral code that screams, "I can do(do) what I want, where I want and when I want." These heroes possess convictions that deserve to be celebrated. Ruth, you too will be esteemed when you just allow for your colon to take charge. Yes even in and around public transportation. I can help. Because I prefer not to dote on myself, I seldom share that I am indeed...a colon whisperer. I'd be happy to make a house call if you're ready for the world to stand up(on the subway platform) and take notice of your "living on the edge" excretion choices. Before my arrival, please consume 78 pounds of Kale.

If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest? - Anonymous

Jax's Answer: Seriously? This is what you give me? Such a lame play on words taints my eyes and the only person who could(maybe) get away with saying this is a grandfather. A dying grandfather. You're on probation from visiting my blog and if I knew who you were I would have you do 20 hours of community service at an institution inhabited by people with pathetic one-liners.

Sexual harassment at work-is it a problem for the self-employed? - Claudia Mizrahi - Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer - If your definition of problem is awesome... then yes, sexual harassment is awesome for the self-employed. I've been sexually harassing myself for years. My skin has a rosy hue, I'm getting along better with my mother and have taken up para-sailing.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Day 335 - Mom...Dad, You're Adopted

July 9th, 2010

My readers are inquiring:
- "As your blogging saga builds towards its explosion-laden, last-minute twist-that-leaves-us-wondering-if-the-villain-is-really-dead climax, how do you intend to ratchet up the tension as the brakes fly off the ride and we begin to coast into the final drop?" - Nat Sternbergh

"You are on the home stretch! almost 365! Then what? Your readers are dying to know!" - Mary Rives

"Don't you think its time for more financial security?" - Dad

6 days ago, on Day 329, I began contemplating as to where I should go post day 365.

I mentioned some initial thoughts in regards to forward movement as I began divvying up my writing into distinct categories.

1) It is crucial that I make very real goals that I will continue to throw out to the universe:

- I want to make money from my writing
- I want to have a book
- I want a "Ask Jax" column. In "The Onion" would be ideal
- I want a literary agent
- I want a pony. Named Dazzle

2) I thought there could be some wisdom for thinking about initial titles for my future book. I came up with the following.

- "How to be Successful in Comedy When You and Your Parents Are Not Alcoholics"

- "Writers: Keeping Coffee Houses in Business Since the Invention of Words"

- "Jacqueline Kabat Cookbook. Eating Healthy, It's No Joke" (cover includes me wearing an apron and chef hat as I stand in front of a piece of lattice in the Tuscan countryside)

- "My Year of Tranformative Soul Searching. And I'm Still Fucked Up"

- "The Divinci Code"

In the last few days, I've conceived a few more possible titles:

- "Enablers are Just Special Givers"

- "Boobs! Boobs! Boobs!"

- "Oprah"

Clearly some of these are in jest(kinda) but I do feel "Enablers are Just Special Givers" and "How to be Successful in Comedy When You and Your Parents Are Not Alcoholics"(or some shorter variation of this title) have some promising standing.

I was perusing the humor section at Barnes and Nobles and saw that multiple comedians have books with some reference to addiction:

"It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs" by Rodney Dangerfield

"The Other Great Depression: How I'm overcoming, on a daily basis, at least a million addictions and dysfunctions and finding a spiritual (sometimes) life" - Richard Lewis

"No Wonder My Parents Drank" - Jay Mohr

So it seems that I suffered a huge comedic disadvantage because my parents aren't alcoholics. Even more devastating, I'm not either.

It seems clear that the only way for me to move forward in my career would be to release feelings of parental resentment for not raising me in a hostile alcoholic environment.

I have scripted the conversation that I'll be having with my parents that will take place in a safe...neutral spot, The Olive Garden.

Mom. Dad,
First off. You're adopted. But that's not why I brought you here today.

In my effort to let go of my anger, I need to express how your inability to struggle with addiction has affected my comedic path. My childhood in a non-alcoholic family (sadly) has not lowered my self-esteem, not resulted in excessive feelings of guilt and, worse off,has not increased my likelihood of becoming an alcoholic. They say that the biggest gift that you can give your child is the ability to enable. I've focused long enough on the negative parts of living with your sobriety. Oprah told me to remember the hurt but let go of the pain. Stedman urged me to acknowledge the act but let go of the anger. The proverbial silver lining in the dark cloud of your non-lush lifestyle choice is that I've had to tap into the depths of my soul to find my own things to be bitter about. Perhaps this perseverance is a genetic trait that I inherited from my birth parents who left me on the steps of a Mail Boxes Etc.on 6th Avenue. Today I come from a place of peace and extend this Olive(Garden) branch to you so we can experience the familial bliss of a functioning alcoholic family.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Day 334 - Boobs: People Have Them or People Love Them

July 8th, 2010

Years ago, I developed a character named Monica Merris. She was a talk show host(with an undesirable late morning time slot similar to the third hour of the "Today Show". But worse.) who is manically high energy, brutally smiley and very candid about binging and purging before going live. But like(was she shot in the face?)Greta Van Susteren, Monica asks the hard questions. That you want to know. When you're bored.

Ms. Merris was resurrected in my mind the other day and I dusted off her vomit so she could conduct an interview on a topic that I suspected would seduce my readers. BOOBS.

The statistics of my 365 day blog entry challenge are showing me that my entries related to boobs( in some way, shape or form fitting way) are generating the most responses. The numbers don't lie. And if they do...they're dicks.

Monica M. went down to Daytona Beach to interview a drunk collegiate spring breaker's breasts, Mommy 1 and Mommy 2. The interview was conducted Babara Walters style. Included were lisp, Monica partially covered by a plant in fuzzy lighting and the pressing questions that made the Mommies cry(in the form of lactation.)

Here's a short preview of what Mommy 1 and Mommy 2 revealed to my alter ego television personality:

Mommy 1: Sports bras are strait jackets for breasts. I'd rather not revisit the fear, claustrophobia and suffocation that we experienced when Master ran a 5K.

Mommy 2: We have no say as to who Master brings home to fondle us. That's Brain's job. Sadly, Master is a raging drunk and an expert in bad decision making. We've been mauled by some real douches.

Mommy 1: Basically, we're prisoners on a body. For survival, we find ourselves sympathizing with Master. Think "Stockholm syndrome" Patty Hearst.

Mommy 2: We're not naive. When Master gets knocked up...we'll end up making all the meals.

Mommy 1: Master once dabbled in burlesque and we were forced to wear these hideous glittered tassels while she did a white girl dance to some Sade song. Not only did she embarrass us. She embarrassed herself.

Mommy 2: We're going to have to cut this interview short because Master is getting drunk on Jäger shots and she's ready to participate in raw, real and uncensored action in "College Girls Gone Wild". No, we don't find this degrading because we're going to be on TV. And being on TV is awesome.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Day 333 - Jax. On Acting

July 7th, 2010

We put down the crack pipe when Nancy Reagan made her special guest appearance (as her herself) crusading for her "Just Say No to Drugs" campaign on" Diff'rent Strokes", it was verified that Britney Spears had a notch below zero comedic ability when she visited "How I Met Your Mother" and now the small screen has given us Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, in an episode of "Secret Life of the American Teenager" in a role that mirrored her real life.

Now I don't watch this show whose tag line is "Expect the unexpected", but according to my Google research, Palin appeared awkward while stumbling out lines like, "It's your buddy, Bristol. We're buddies. We're on a buddy system here, open the door." Awesome.

Evidently, she isn't interested in pursuing an acting career so she can focus on being a single mother. Bristol, I strongly urge you against this because you're blessed with the genetic and situational makeup that stars are made of.

I want you to succeed. And you can. Here's how:

- You're pretty and already in the public eye for doing nothing besides having a notorious mother and getting knocked up in a pickup truck at a kegger. Winning combo.

- Headshots are expensive. I've seen your skanky Myspace pictures. They'll do.

- Watch a lot karaoke videos, Spanish soap operas and German World War 2 propaganda videos should your talent segue you into international markets.

- Interested in comedy? Put on some librarian classes and imitate Tina Fey imitating your mother. It will klll.

- Stretching before a scene is crucial. If you can't touch your toes...have your bodyguard touch them.

- Need a monologue for an audition. 4 words: Rush Limbaugh Hate Speech

- To succeed in the acting craft, you must be willing to go to the depths of your soul to believably display the most traumatic of emotions. I recommend tapping into the fear and pain that a dying wolf suffers after your mother shoots him from an aircraft.

- My college Drama 101 teacher stressed the importance of warming up vocally. Some sample riddles:

"Good Blood, Bad Blood, Good Blood, Bad Blood,
Red Blood, Blue Blood, Red Blood, Blue Blood,..."

"Whether the weather be cold, Or whether the weather be hot, We'll be together whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not..."

"I am the daughter of a woman with a fascist agenda for moral order. Whether I like it or not. Wolf Blood, Red Blood,Good Blood..."

*In an unrelated note, this drama teacher who taught us these vocal exercises was later fired for sexual harassment. Evidently it is frowned upon when you ask your students how old they were when they lost their virginity.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Day 332 - Heatwave, Old Age or Douchebaggery

July 6th, 2010

On day 158 of my 365 day blog challenge, I wrote an entry called “Jew, Not-a-Jew or Canadian?” I gave you scenarios and asked you which of these three categories the examples fell under.( On Day 166, I brought to you another list to test your knowledge of 3 interchangeable people: Bill O’Reilly, Kanye West and Mother Teresa. ( Determining if you were celebrating Passover, Easter or The Festival of Steve Guttenberg was where we journeyed on Day 235( And just because I was curious, on Day 243, I needed to know if you had the Fear of Failure, Abandonment or Zombies? ( On day 253, I had you determine if you were suffering from penis panic, vagina fervor or Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo( on day 282, I proposed that you ask your soul if it comes from a place of Schadenfreude, Mudita or Indifference (

Today, the northeast is suffering an uninvited heatwave that is bequeathing sweltering(I didn't know numbers went this high) humidity and rivers of (the human body really is 60 to 70 percent water) sweat. And people are dying. Including old people. I need to be clear that I am not minimizing extreme temperatures taking the lives of our elders, but it always leaves me wondering if a 100 year old would have still died today despite the100 degree weather.

This leads me to today's quiz. Since I prefer writing in 3's, I need one more lethal scenario that claims lives. Let's go with being a douche(the scientific name is douchebaggery.)

In order to determine how you most likely will be offed, ask yourself if your lifestyle makes you more likely to suffer from a heatwave, old age or douchebaggery.

- Despite your city's call for an emergency evacuation, you decide to stick it out in your urban excessively hot unconditioned apartment because you want to win the t-shirt that says, " I survived unusually hot weather, resulting from a slowly moving air mass of relatively high temperature...and all I got was this stupid t-shirt."

- You're an overinflated sense of self worth Chris Brown at the BET awards.

- Your children are going through midlife crisis's.

- You're already dehydrated, sunburned and dizzy but still have no interest in going into Bed Bath & Beyond with your wife. You stay in your leather interior-ed turned off car, with the windows up and listen to the 21 album Rolling Stones box set.

- Your name is Zack. But go by Zak.

- You refer to soap operas as "my stories".

- You've cut water out of your diet.

- You apply yourself liberally with Axe deodorant, styling gel and body spray before you go out with the girl you're cheating on your girlfriend with.

- You're Al Gore. On a soap box.

- You think "Mad Men" is a present day documentary.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Day 331 - Mint Julep Kegger

July 5th, 2010

Yesterday, Independence Day, we celebrated the legal separation of the thirteen colonies from Great Britain in the way that John Hancock intended: Explosives, Hebrew National Hot Dogs and a justifiable excuse to dabble with alcoholism.

It seems as if there is little discussion as to the events that took place on July 5th, 1776. After the partying was over, I imagine that our new nation digested some harsh reality as to what it takes to succeed on their own. Similar to our freshman year in college, the first few weeks as a new country were extremely critical for the nouveau Americans because their actions affected the rest of their lives.

If I had been available on 7-5-76, I would have held a town hall meeting and given the naive colonists concrete tips for guidance and survival tips.

I'd start off by addressing my audience with, "Whatever you do, be sure to be yourself and try to enjoy your new country experience as much as possible. Expect to feel some stress and homesickness, but don't let these issues wear you down."

- Go to the post office and fill out a "change of address" forum.

- Don't feel obligated to be part of a distinct or formal organization right away. You have plenty of time to decide if you want to join fraternities like the Federalists or Anti- federalists. FYI, The Wigs are known for unethical hazing tactics: Tar and feathering.

- Get to know your neighbors and invite them to a mint julep kegger.

- Stay healthy by eating right. Without the Brits around to serve you a balanced meal, you may be tempted to go for those extra onion pies, fried Welsh rabbits and fish muddles.

- Learn to do your own laundry. Separate your petticoats, bodices and pantaloons.

- Although I recommend visiting the Career Services Office, don't feel pressured to make a hasty decision about a career. Being part of an independent nation is the time for you to discover who you are, what you like to do and what you excel at. Take your time. Enjoy exploring your options.

- Learn to cope with homesickness. It's only natural that there will be times when you miss the mother land, even if you were one of those colonists who couldn't wait to get away from them. Find a way to deal with those feelings, such as journaling, Pilates or pigeon shooting.

- Avoid credit card debt.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Day 330 - More Explosive? Fireworks or Hot Dogs in Bulk?

July 4th, 2010

Happy 4th of July y'all! Our "darling" of federal holidays that commemorates the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, makes note of that independence thing from the Kingdom of Great Britain and commonly associated with...

- (according to Wikipedia, the crème de la half and half of resources) parades, barbecues, carnivals, fairs, picnics, concerts, baseball games, political speeches and ceremonies, and various other public and private events celebrating the history, government, and traditions of the United States. Independence Day is the national day of the United States."

- a smallish Asian man winning a hot dog eating contest (and suffering debilitating symptoms of digestion trauma on July 5th.)

- a day that inspires the declaration of the most blissful of adjectives(nirvana...delight...psychotic) in regards to pyromaniacs with that impulse to deliberately start fires to relieve tension and induce feelings of gratification and relief. God bless 'em.

My instincts are urging me to segue to the pioneers of lovable explosives, the Grucci Fireworks Company. Headquartered in Brookhaven, New York, the five-generation, family-owned and operated company produces, designs and displays over 300 performances annually around the world.

They pride themselves in being the "Top Name in Fireworks in the World."

Interesting note, years ago, the Kabats were the leading name in fireworks. That was until my great great really great grandfather Mordechai Kabat sold his business to some misguided hoodlum yutes on the streets of Brooklyn. Why sell out? According to Kabat folklore, the elders wanted future generations to thrive in the New World by not losing limbs in freak warehouse accidents.

Mordechai, a real forward thinker. And an accordion savant.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Day 329 - How to be Successful in Comedy When You and Your Parents Are Not Alcoholics

July 3rd, 2010

Many of you have asked, "But Jax! What are you going to do once your '365 Day Blog Entry Challenge of Cosmic Angst Through the Eyes of Comedic Insight' comes to an end?" Up until very recently, I never felt too pressured to reveal a thorough answer as it seemed that the end date was never a stones throw away. Well I just spoke to that stone and it can see it's destination, 36 days from now.

My primary goal was just to be able to maintain the endurance to get through this. But I know my sensitive soul well and I do expect to experience some very real "loss" of some sort on day 366. I do see continuing to write in the blogosphere simply because I like the discipline, the release, the power of this interweb thing and instant feedback(that's the performer in me.) The specifics regarding my time, commitment and angles for future entries has not yet been determined.

Right now, I'm forcing myself to see how I can compartmentalize, organize and analyze a years worth of material(some rich in content...some disposable.) I have begun by perusing past entries in the search of thematic commonalities. Upon casual glance, here are some themes I'm finding:

- Wrapping common trials and tribulations in a candy wrapper

- My love affair with my Brooklyn community

- Family - Interesting note, during this past year, both of my grandmothers turned 90 and I got to document much of the celebrations in my blog. More importantly, I got to read my tributes to these two special women.

- My attempts at profoundness and profanity

- Fear

- Ask Jax - I adore providing answers to your inquiries that involve little to no accuracy.

- I'm a Nonchalant Observer

- Boobs

- My life in comedy

- Money

- Ways to assist people you love. In unethical ways

- Personifying inanimate objects -(example - this is what happened inside a woman's purse on Day 170 -" Live Together, Die Alone"(

- My Jewessness

- Things I get

- Things I don't get

- Things I get. But am ashamed to admit

- Penises

- There's been frequent mention of satiating my entrepreneurial spirits with a business called "Jax's Baby Doo-Rags. For Babies. In Baby Gangs". Fingers crossed

After reviewing the the glorified theme brainstorm above, I am pointing to my head while saying, "It's no picnic in here."

A trusted friend suggested that I begin thinking of titles for a possible book. OK. Some initial thoughts:

- "How to be Successful in Comedy When You and Your Parents Are Not Alcoholics"

- "Writers: Keeping Coffee Houses in Business Since the Invention of Words"

- "Jacqueline Kabat Cookbook. Eating Healthy, It's No Joke" (cover includes me wearing an apron and chef hat as I stand in front of a piece of lattice in the Tuscan countryside)

- "My Year of Tranformative Soul Searching. And I'm Still Fucked Up"

- "The Divinci Code"

Yay me because I have begun the preliminary "where to go from here" process. I need to commit to this phase as diligently as I have to my daily entries. This next sentence warrants all caps. I CAN'T DROP THE BALL ON THIS. NO SERIOUSLY. I CAN'T.

People who wear patrouille tell me that I just need to tell the universe what I want. OK.

- I want to make money from my writing
- I want to have a book
- I want a "Ask Jax" column. In "The Onion" would be ideal
- I want a literary agent
- I want a pony. Named Dazzle

Friday, July 2, 2010

Day 328 - Ask Jax - Part 19

July 2nd, 2010

This is the 19th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

Jax, I'm a writer like you. So you know that people of our trade spend a good amount of time in coffee shops to write. Well my favorite coffee shop has stopped allowing clientele to use their bathroom. I'm not even sure why. I really like this place and fear my creative flow will not prosper anywhere else. But my digestive tract needs to flow too. What should I do? - Anonymous, Los Angles, California

Jax's Answer: My heart goes out to you Anonymous. I know what it's like to find a coffee shop that you just fit with. Like a puzzle piece. It just "gets" you. I know it seems impossible that you could ever love another coffee house again...but I have to give you tough love... let this place go. Move on with with your writing...your life. Remind yourself that your coffee shop pulled a reprehensible dick move: Discontinued bathroom use at a place that pushes the most potent of diuretics...that is devoid of human feelings. Let's just hope that this no toilet trend is not implemented at our favorite Fiber cafes.

My question is... Will the amazing Jacqueline Kabat be stopping by my photography exhibit? - Fredda Gordon, New York, New York

-Only if there is an impressive spread of crudites, boxes of wine and if I can bring my pompously brooding(dressed in black turtleneck)Austrian photographer friend, Jurgen.

I'm lonely. What should I do? - Tia Jennings, San Francisco, California

Jax's Answer - This inquiry makes me sad. In the heart area. Call me immediately. Now there is a good chance that I will not pick up the phone because I've been spending a disturbing amount of time dressing up my boyfriend's cat(example, my bikini) in a photography project entitled: Kitty Porn.(For more details, please visit yesterday's blog

There are, however, three other options to alleviate your "I feel lonely" symptoms should I not be available.
1) Watch season 1 of "True Blood"
2) Use a battery operated friend
3) In emergency situations, use your battery operated friend while watching "True Blood".(*Only effective if Double AA batteries have been purchased. In bulk.)

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Day 327 - Moroccan BBQ Love & Cold Fusion Kitty

July 1st, 2010

Our token neighborhood Moroccan friend is a muscular dude, wears a shark tooth around his neck and couldn't answer me when I asked "Have you ever killed a man?" He possesses one other attribute that is the closer when I'm picking friends: Badass chef.

Last night, he and his wife (who might be the nicest person I've ever met...if I've said you've been demoted) invited our crew over for a BBQ. Imagine Hebrew National hot dogs, one notch below mediocre store bought potato salad and boxes of wine. It was the exact opposite of that. I was too consumed in ungraceful food inhalation to inquire about about how he specifically prepared his edibles of exponential perfection. I mean...the hamburgers had cut up apple in them. Cut Up Apples! I am versed enough in the culinary arts to take notice when my meals are prepared...with love(wiping tear.)

Somewhere before the chocolate mojitos and after the Moroccan chicken, I felt it best to share a photo series that I have on my Blackberry. My inspiration: Cupcake, my boyfriend's cat who I'm babysitting. Because she knows who is the giver of food, she's become smitten with all that is Jax. In fact, our connection was sealed when she started watching me. In the shower.

In an effort to take our relationship to the next inappropriate level, I've been photographing her in her rawest moments. So far the series includes the following scenarios.

- Kitty Porn. Part 1 - Cupcake sitting on her cat butt with her cat paw on her cat crotch. Title: Addicted to the Nip. Chronic masturbator

- Kitty Porn. Part 2 - She's wearing my bikini - Title: Celebrate the Season. Hot or Not?

- Kitty Porn. Part 3 - Title: Kitty with Vibrator

My pictures were well received by my friends(and it wasn't due to party guests being high on Moroccan spices. And other things.)

In fact, in a group effort, future installments for The Kitty Porn project were conceived.

- Astronaut Kitty

- Cold Fusion Kitty (Included are goggles, white lab jacket and a Bunsen burner)

- Blow Jobs For Crack Kitty

Like any art, I have achieved when my audience feels something. In regards to my Kitty Porn, my friend Pete confessed, "I fear that one day this cat is going to wake up and find a dead hooker in its litter box."

My response: The hooker picture is too hot for Facebook. I did, however, post it on Myspace.