May 15th, 2010
Before I was about to go on stage to do a set in last night's show, I received an enthusiastic text from my man saying that he was "playing with his TomTom."
Are you thinking this was code for playing with his genitalia? Perv.
Well, that's what I thought.
Although I was the one performing the comedy, the joke was on me because it soon came to my attention that a TomTom is a satellite navigation system designed for use in automobiles. Not a sex organ. But my boyfriend was playing with his penis in his other hand.
Today, I had the opportunity to really get acquainted with the TomTom as we tested his new GPS system while driving to and from Hackensack, New Jersey. OK. I feel you judging me with this thought: "But Jax! The motto for the Garden State is, 'New Jersey, it's a good place to pass through. At night.'" True. But this day trip was a multipurpose excursion that involved visiting a dear friend, getting a bike...and familiarizing ourselves with the wonderment of all that is TomTom.
Sitting shotgun, I took charge of setting up my guy's newest eBay purchase and felt deep satisfaction for persevering with my limited knowledge of any device related to electronics. The highlight of initiating this touch screen map savant was when I was directed to choose a voice for the navigation system. My boyfriend said no to a few options that included a series of male voices(like ambiguously gay Richard), a women named Bonnie with a Mrs. Roboto -esque sound and Susan, a female voice that resembled Madonna's faux British accent.
Our final decision: Mandy. We agreed that she was a efficient. Yet soothing.
I liked Mandy. For about five minutes. Then I noticed my boyfriend was all like, "Mandy this. Mandy that. Mandy, I want to make you a baby."
This did not go over well with me and I confronted him about his hasty infatuation with this computer generated voice. His response, "Jax, Mandy just takes me where I need to go."
Mandy, now I live in a constant debilitating fear that I will awaken to the following scenario that involves my boyfriend humping a pillow while singing,
Well you came and you gave without taking
but I sent you away, oh Mandy
well you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today, oh Mandy"
So Mandy, if this incident becomes a reality, watch your back. Bitch. The jig is up. I will cut you.