October 31st, 2009
It’s Halloween and I’m curious as to what the real sluts are going to dress up as tonight. They really could go one of two ways: Minimize and be Mother Teresa or maximize their natural whoredom and be nude only wearing a banner that says, “The word of the day is ‘legs’ and I’m going to spread the word.”
New York on Halloween doesn’t look that different than the rest of the 364 days of the year as there are many colorful ones perusing this city. I’ve always liked to take it up a notch and encourage adults to celebrate their uniqueness. Of course, the majority of the country are preparing their children for the holiday.I always suggest one particular costume to my friends with kids that is always well received but never executed. Babies should be dressed as a piece of sushi while the parents are the sous chefs. Maybe I’ll get knocked up soon and I’ll be set for next year. Fingers crossed.
I’ve hosted Halloween parties for the past 5 years. Prior to my soirées, I’d always get a few annoying calls from invitees asking if dressing up was required. I encouraged all non dresser uppers to unite and go together as a focus group. Logistics weren’t on my side this year and I will not be having a party. In fact, I have just committed to even going out tonight. My last minute costume might be something like an American Apparel Fairy. So Brooklyn. I’m still working it out which is unlike me as I have really given myself internal high fives for the pre-planning and creativity that went into my costumes past. One year I was Angela Jolie in her Goth single mother(just adopted Zahara) stage. Of course, I was lipped up with a Billie Bob tattoo and a black baby(doll) on me at all times. FYI, if you ever need a baby of another race(for a reasonable price)…Walgreens. My claim to fame costume was the next year when I was a French Canadian maid. I had the sexy maid outfit and pasted on it were all things Canadian: Patches, Canadian bacon, Phil Hartman, Kids in the Hall, maple leaves, Terrance and Phillip, Wayne Gretzky,etc...)
There is so much thinking outside of the box, wit and alter egos to explore every October 31st. I’m embarrassed to admit that some of the most clever costumes that I’ve ever seen or heard about are all fecal related. I continue to claim to be above bathroom humor but if I take a long hard look at myself… doth protest too much. I’ll reflect on this epiphany another time. For now, I’d like to share some notable shit-centric costumes:
- 1) Dress up as a giant poop and have a 1/2 dozen of your buddies dressed up as flies buzzing all around you
- 2) Wear a brown burlap sack and be a “Lying sack of Shit”: On it, have sticky notes that read:
-I’ll call you
-Except for a beer or two, I never drink.
-When it comes to oral sex, I'm the best
-You're nothing at all like my mother
-What attracts me to you is your mind
-No, I don't think you're fat
-I don't masturbate
- 3) Wear a terry cloth bathrobe, grow(or wear) a mustache and carry a newspaper. You’re a “Father on His Way to Take a Dump”.