Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Day 67 - Viva La Douche!

October 14th, 2009

I asked you all for some words and promised to intertwine them into today’s blog entry. As usual, you stepped up to the plate and I got many responses. Bonus that some suggestions were from the George W. Bush book of linguistic gymnastics. Here’s what you gave me:

Easy breezy

Below is a vignette, if you will, that includes all of your words(IN CAPS) in the order that you gave them to me:

Tom met Valerie at a local dive bar and was immediately smitten. He could tell that she had a good set of personalities. Their hands met in the fecal matter covered pretzels in a bowl on the bar. Electricity was felt and they started sharing information about themselves. He proudly said that he was a member of his college’s GLEE club. Valerie wasn’t so impressed and asked him, “Isn’t that a group of losers that sing old famous tunes?” He said that is generally the case but his choral group happened to get a lot of ass from the women in the knitting club. She let out a sigh of relief. He asked what she did and Valerie proudly said that she was a mechanic with a specialty for fixing CARBURETORS. He found that incredibly sexy and told her that explained her mullet, flannel shirt and dirty fingernails. Impressed with her vocation, he asked, “What’s your POISON?” She proudly told him that it was ice cold Zima with a twist of lime. Tom just thought that was SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS because that was his drink of choice too! He overconfidently ordered the beverages and a nearby bastard with a false sense of entitlement called him a NINCOMPOOP. Tom mistakenly told the fake tanned gold chain wearing schmuck that he clearly was a master in the art of DOUCHEBAGGERY. This did not go over well with the pursed lipped asshole. Out of the darkness, a whole team of douches started closing in on Tom and Valerie. They were approaching like a zombie uprising and were collectively chanting, “Viva la douche! Viva la douche!” Tom cowered and asked his freakishly strong and masculine new lady friend what they should do. She said “Don’t worry little man.. I have a STRATEGERY because I am known for getting NARSTY with McDouches.” Tom watched in awe as Valerie used a paella of martial arts and good ‘ol boy fighting moves to literally take down all the douches. A bloodbath it was. Tom was EXHAUSTRATED just from watching Valerie’s impressive display of strength and prowess. He was so turned on that he went to take a swig of Zima but accidently took a gulp of KETCHUP. He didn’t care. This woman was special. Just as special as that unlicensed large Russian masseuse he had visited at the SPA. SCUTTLEBUT has it that he got a happy ending that resulted with many follow up private self induced MONSTERBATION sessions. But Valerie’s physical capabilities were of HISTRIONIC proportions because this douche uprising had the potential to be a total CLUSTERFUCK. Tom knew that he was DAINTY and would have gotten his ass kicked if it had not been for this woman who fought for his honor. He thanked Valerie and she said, “It ain’t no thing” and then she unselfconsciously let out some obligatory post altercation GAS. Wow. He hadn’t seen a woman so comfortable with her flatulence since he had dated JAX. Valerie told him her most notable fight was when she took down a LEVIATHAN. Of course she wasn’t really sure if that actually happened because she was hallucinating on LSD. Tom had hit the jackpot because this woman was everything he could wish for and more. And by more, he was quite comfortable that she had a hint of testosterone . No question about it… she(he) was the one. He knew their life together was going to be EASY BREEZY.

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