October 22nd, 2009
I was at Bed Bath & Beyond recently because there is nothing I like to do more than loiter at places where shopping carts get their own escalators. As I was meandering around the beyond section, I was reprimanded by a woman who “I looked at” for too long. She was tough. There was an animated snap accompanied by a “mmmm..” Well I don’t put up with that shi-at. I was overcome by my inner Chuck Norris, I bitch slapped her and I threw her over my shoulder. Once she was unconscious on the floor, I stood on her lifeless body to send the rest of the people buying bathmats, waffle irons and Snuggies a clear message that it would be best not to mess with me. So, yeah that totally happened. In my head.
This is the deal. Jewish girls from North Carolina are not raised with badass values. Having lived in New York since 1997, I have developed some skills, but I'm still in desperate need of enhancing badass momentum. After my unfortunate run-in at the chain merchandise store, it became quite clear that I needed some tools should conflict arise. My initial thought was that I should have told my assailant, "Bring it" or “Your Mama”.. both with a touch of attitude. Aren’t they really all-purpose insults and globally offensive? No? You’re right. I’ve never heard Clint Eastwood, Bruce Lee or MacGruber resort to mediocre verbal zingers.
Clearly I needed your help. I asked you all what I can do to kick someone's ass, look amazing while doing it and radiate with unquestionable authority and awesomeness.
Jax’s blog reader’s already possess the traits of all that is badass. Here are some brilliant gems that you graciously shared with me to up my badass game:
-Shave your head...
-Ironically doing something, almost anything well
-Put on your redneck ninja outfit... use your "chew can" as your ninja stars
-Install a steely glint in your eye
-Program your VCR. No, wait - that's what one can do to become more Old School...hang on, I've got the wrong book...
-Bite the head off a bat at your next comedy show
-Skip an epidural
-Wear leather chaps with nothing else, smoke non-filtered cigarettes and push baby strollers into oncoming traffic
-Use the word Amazing in every other sentence
-Start an IRA
-Dye your hair red - Everywhere
I commit to apply the above tools until I hear a nonchalant observer say in awe, “Wow, that Jax really carves her own path. She wears, watches, drinks and listens to what she chooses, when she chooses and where she chooses Clearly she is supplied with an unlimited source of awesomenimity. She is so cool, it hurts. What a badass.”