October 27th, 2009
Dear Blog Reader,
Today is day 80 of my 365 day blog entry challenge and I feel that it is time to address the elephant on the web page. We’ve been through so much together..mostly a lot of intimate reading and writing. After three exhilarating months, I think you should be aware that I am deeply and utterly in love with you blog reader. I know that you have feelings for me too because I see the comments that you make on my blog entries. Even if you don’t..I just have this feeling that I am on your mind. Part of it is my intuitive sixth sense(combined with the ticker counting my visitors at http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com.)
They say that you are what you eat, but before you, I hadn’t thought it possible to devour an angel that had fallen from the sky. You are as succulent as the most chocolaty glass of soy milk( not whole milk because that makes my stools watery..but you learned that the hard way.) When you said, “Do you have a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I could see myself in your pants.”...I felt like I worked at UPS and was given permission to check out your package. Also, I so adore when we finish each other’s cliché pick up lines that are reserved for frat boys.
You - What has 148 teeth
Me - and holds back the incredible hulk?
You - My Zipper.
I feel that it is best that I be honest with you before we continue our reader/writer relationship. Blog reader, we have a child, a Miniblog if you will. Yes, I’m sure it’s yours..and I’m offended that you’d even ask. My entry entitled “Day 60 – ‘Makin' Whoopee!’” got you so aroused that it resulted with an immaculate virtual impregnation. A miracle indeed. It’s not easy being a single mom in the big city working as a diner waitress and stripper to bring in ends meet. Can you hand me a tissue and a jaeger shot? Thank you.
I was afraid to tell you sooner because I know you're reading other blogs. I get that it’s hard for you to commit to just one webpage with self righteous commentary as there is such a variety out there of different shapes and sizes. Some have short content. Others long. Some have black backdrops while others have paisley. Some are more politically based while others are written in Chinese(and you do have that Asian fetish.) Plus, I recognize that newer blogs are as insecure and willing to put out faster than self-loathing insecure 20 somethings in Manhattan.
At your core,I know that you’re fragile and I am sensitive to the fact that other blogs have burned you before. I appreciated your candidness when you shared that you hit rock bottom when the blog that you thought was “the one” dropped you after gaining notoriety with a movie deal and a regular column in the “Duluth News Tribune”. What a bitch. With such loss and rejection comes emotional baggage that makes it difficult for you to trust a new blog.
I will wait for you my beloved. Let’s take it slow.
If your left leg was Thanksgiving, and your right was Christmas...all I ask is that you give me permission to visit you between the holidays.