Day 77 - Bless Your Heart

October 24th, 2009

(Southern Belle, Loretta Muffman and her son Bo sitting at a fancy Manhattan restaurant)

Loretta
(Speaking in a deep southern accent while messing with Bo’s hair)
Bo, honey I’m just saying I wish you would do something with that hair…you’re starting to look like a… (Whispers as if dirty word…) a bohemian. And your skin…even after that Acutane..you still have that oily T-zone issue (touching his face) Bless your heart.

Bo
(Trying hard to hold in annoyance)
Please..not tonight. mom….and I’m not 16 anymore.

Loretta
(Pinching his cheek)
No you are not. You are not. You are my little New York University graduate and we are here to celebrate…. Back home in Savannah, the ladies in my neckerchief tying class swore…SWORE that the food here at Nobu was (whispering) fabulous…

(Waiter walks over)

Waiter
(He is a handsome African American man)
Welcome to Nobu…let me tell you about tonight’s specials…

Loretta
Oh My! Butter my behind and call me a biscuit! You are certainly not from Hiroshima. But you are without a doubt a decadent slice of chocolate heaven. Bless your heart. Wait! Bo, who does he look like?

Bo
I don’t know mom

Loretta
Wait..you look like..dooooon’t tell… me dooooon’t tell me…(proudly) Denzel Washington!

Waiter
Why thank you ma’am…I’ve always enjoyed his work.

Loretta
You can call me Loretta…Loretta Muffman and this is my proudest accomplishment to date. I present to you…Bo..Bo Muffman.

Waiter
OK Ms.….Muffman…Our specials today.
We have a Baby Spinach Salad with Fresh Fluke Sashimi

Loretta
mmmmm…..(tapping Bo)

Waiter
Tuna Tataki Peruvian Style Spicy Skewers

Loretta
(Hitting Bo)
Bo! You love Peru!

Waiter
And Fresh Lobster with Wasabi Pepper Sauce

Loretta
Sounds fabulous… (Hitting Bo with over the top enthusiasm)
I swear. If the menu sounded any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
(To waiter)
We’ll take it all because this is a special day. My son just graduated from the New York University.

Waiter
Really? Congratulations. That’s wonderful. What was your major?

Bo
Musical Theatre

Loretta
(Whispers to waiter)
Homosexual (Pointing to Bo…).Bless his heart. I have a daughter too but she’s fat and has questionable fashion sense. She’s big boned liker her daddy. It’s as if she fell out of the pudgy tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Bo
Mom…don’t say that about Missy. Please.

Loretta
(Whispers to waiter)
Oh honey…. I was just trying to explain to this lovely Negro that we are an unusually close mother and son team. That’s all. I meant no offense to your portly sister. Bless her heart.
(To waiter)
Sir, since it is such a joyous occasion of monumental magnitude…we would just be just tickled pink if we could meet the chef.

Bo
(Embarrassed)
It’s really not necessary

Loretta
Hush (Playfully slapping Bo)

Waiter
(Uncomfortable)
Certainly. I can arrange that..so if you’ll excuse me.

Loretta
(Whispering to Bo)
He’s very well spoken for a boy of color. Bless his heart.

Bo
Mom…please. That’s just…just wrong.

Loretta
I’m just saying…

Bo
Mom… I really don’t want to fight. I love you and it means the world that you came all the way here for the graduation. I know it’s been a really tough year for you and I know you’re trying to be strong..it’s just..

Loretta
(Cutting him off and covering up her discomfort)
I’m fine..fine..

Bo
Really mom? You and Missy have absolutely no relationship. And this whole thing with dad walking out on you…

Loretta
Bo…(Getting angry)..enough..(Pause) It was those damn Kabbalah classes that you encouraged him to take. He claimed he discovered his purpose but all he found that little low rent money grubbing whore.
Bless her..

Bo
(Stops her abruptly).
Mom..don’t

Loretta
Bless her…

Bo
Be strong mom…don’t say it...dooooon’t say it…..

Loretta
Bless her…hear…hear….hear… (Winded)
Ahhh..OK. You win.. ..well played Bo…well played…(Defeated).

Bo
(Taking Loretta’s hands and very proud)
Mom., that was a huge step for you. I have to say, I am very proud. Listen, I know it’s my “special” day and all…but I have something I want to give you.(Hands Loretta a gift)

Loretta
Oh baby boy…you shouldn’t have.

Bo
(Content)
Well I did. I did
(Loretta unwraps present and looks at the picture and there is pause)
When I was home for Christmas, I found that picture of you and Grandma at your High School graduation. Look at you. You were so beautiful.

Loretta
(Truly Touched)
Oh Bo..you’re like an angel who has fallen from the sky. I was Valedictorian you know? My Mama was so proud of me. Daddy had died of a heart attack a few months earlier and we finally smiled again that day. You know, after your grandpa passed, mamma would go to the bathroom run the water and pretend to take a shower. But I heard her crying. She thought I didn’t know..but I did..

Bo
(Gently)
Mom…when I was a kid, I knew you were in the bathroom, with the water running…crying. I didn’t know what to do. I was sad that you were sad.

Loretta
Oh sweet Bo. Life just happened to me so fast. I married so young, had you, your chubby sister..and the next thing I know I didn’t look like the debutante that I once was. (Earnestly)I want you to always listen to your heart and never…and I mean never be afraid of being who you are. Live your dream baby boy...because my life wasn’t supposed to be this way.

Bo
Mom. I know you’re hurting. But if it makes you feel any better… I have never felt closer to you and prouder to have you as my mom as I do right now.
(Bo and Loretta look lovingly at each other and hug)

(A pretty female chef enters)

Chef
Good afternoon, I’m Chef Johnson and I'm happy that you're joining us at Nobu today. (Looking at Bo)Congratulations…I hear that you are a graduate today.

Bo
(Enthusiastically)
I am. Thank you…

Loretta
(Breaking the moment)
Well, pee down my back and tell me it's raining because I think it’s is safe to say that you do not hail from Nagasaki pumpkin. Between this cracker (pointing to chef), our Jim Crow waiter, the heeb hostess and the engine bathroom attendant, we got ourselves our very own Benetton Ad. I hope you have those Mexicans doing the dishwasher. I always felt they work harder than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.And you (Grabbing the chef on her breast) are simply a peach. Bo, look at her…LOOK at this gem. Pretty face…nice supple breasts. I swear…you two would make me the most beautiful grand babies. (To waitress). He just has no interest in your (Whispering) Poonani. (Sighing). Bless his heart.

(Bo appears hopeless)

The End