Friday, October 16, 2009

Day 69 - Die Bitch Die!

A little dark..but it seems to be where reality TV is heading....



Fox…you’ve done it again. TV simply doesn’t get any better than this. This fall, Fox television brings you Die Bitch Die!, the most cutting edge reality show where the winner receives the ultimate prize that celebrates the final chapter in the journey of life….DEATH. That’s right, Simon Cowell went across the country auditioning contestants who thought they were worthy of going to Hollywood with the other finalists to be put to death on live television.

(Cut to clips of potential contestants auditioning for Simon)

Auditioner 1

I think that I should go to Hollywood to be on Die Bitch Die! because I’ve wanted die since I can remember. I’m a middle child who was starved for attention…(Pauses )…I’m sorry I’m just so nervous…Simon YOU ARE MY HERO! Um…I have no self esteem..…but I do have loves handles…


That is the most dreadful excuse for death that I’ve ever heard. Unbelievable…your reason for a televised death was seriously painful to listen to.

Auditioner 1

NOOOOOOOOOOO…..but I’ve wanted to die for years! If I can’t die…I’m just gonna die.


You don’t deserve to die in front of America. In fact, you are an insult to death itself. My advice: Fire your death teacher and never think of dying again.

(Cut to next auditioner)

Auditioner 2

I am worthy of being killed in front of millions on television because I have a peculiar and distracting birthmark on my face, I was kidnapped by Cajuns who kept me trapped in an 8’ by 10’ storage closet for 4 years forcing me to eat my own fecies….

(Simon, very pleased…crosses his arms, smiles and nods)

And… Oh yeah…I was born with a tail.


Congratulations …you’re coming to Hollywood.


Once the contestants arrive in Hollywood to seek death…they will partake in a series of physical and mental games which include: Twister and and Guess How Many Fingers I’m Holding Behind My Back. The winner of these grueling challenges will move on to the next round until only one contestant remains.. And that’s right….you guessed it...the lucky champion will get to be put to death on live television! Better yet, the winner’s parents will get to choose the method of death. Hey…they brought them into this world…it only seems fair that they would take them out!

(Cut to Mother & Father)


Before we tell you which method of death that we’re going to pick for our boy…. we want you to know that this is the hardest decision that we’ve ever had to make.


I agree with my husband. Every way of dying truly has something special about it….and if we could pick every one…we would.



We’ve made our decision…we’re going with the…

Father & Mother




Viewers of all ages just can’t get enough of Die Bitch Die! Here’s what they're saying!


Death is so in. The prize… death … is so like permanent….and that’s AWESOME! It’s just like Miley Cyrus…..but with more death.

Middle-aged Woman

With all the horrifying stories on the news today…I’m apprehensive to have my little one watch all that violence on TV. Well, needless to say, curiosity got the best of me…and luckily I tuned in.

Small Child (to mother)

Hey Mom! Look a guillotine!...just like the one that beheaded Marie Antoinette on October 16, 1793 when she was charged and found guilty by the Tribunal for aiding the enemy and inciting civil war within France!

Middle-aged Woman

(To Child)That’s right sweetie. (To Audience)Die Bitch Die! is a history lesson and good wholesome entertainment all rolled into one. Death can be fun. We make it a priority to watch Die Bitch Die!….as a family.


So…Is the anticipation “killing” you? Oh, come on, …you’ll just “die” with laughter…we promise. See what all the buzz is about. Join us at Fox on Sundays at 9PM for an evening of good ‘ol fashion death.


No comments:

Post a Comment