Day 74- Dumped for Facebook

October 21st 2009

DUMPED FOR FACEBOOK

(Clarence approaches his girlfriend Andrea. She is sitting at her computer on Facebook. She keeps her eyes on the computer during the entire scene)

Andrea
Clarence, this isn’t working for me.

Clarence
What?

Andrea
It’s just not working for me

Clarence
Wow..this comes as a complete and total shock.

Andrea
You’re a great guy..it just happened so fast…I don’t think I should be in a relationship
now.

Clarence
You’re breaking up with me in clichés??? This is so hurtful.I allowed myself to be vulnerable with you. I cooked you Halibut. Even as a friend Andrea..I never thought you would end this in such a ..cowardly way.

Andrea
(Awkward pause)
There is “something else”…

Clarence
(Horrified)
Oh Andrea..don’t tell me it’s over because of..someone else…

Andrea
Clarence, I am breaking up with you for Facebook.

Clarence
Noooo!

Andrea
Facebook fulfills me in ways that you simply aren’t capable of. I’m afraid this is just the way it has to be.

Clarence
Is this because I’m a member of the Facebook group “Fans of Being Gay But Living in Shame and Confusion in my Heterosexual Lifestyle”?

Andrea
No Clarence. That I’m OK with. It’s just that I have over 30,000 Facebook friends and most of my day is filled with coming up with clever one liners to post as status updates. Not to mention, I have created multiple profiles of myself that need constant nurturing.

Clarence
I really don’t know what to say. I guess looking back..there were clues. I should have seen this coming when you switched your relationship status from “In a Relationship” to “I Will be Dumping my Boyfriend in 3-5 Business Days.”

Andrea
(Awkward pause)
Clarence. Your profile, quite frankly, turns me off. I mean, you only have 2 comments on your page. And one is spam from a Tibetan hooker and the other is from your mother.

Clarence
I’m ashamed.

Andrea
Please know that it’s not only you that I’ve had to let go of in order to maintain my Facebook intensive lifestyle choice. I haven’t spoken to my family in months and I quit my job.

Clarence
But you loved being a pediatric brain surgeon for underprivileged children in third world countries!

Andrea
I did Clarence. I did. But these kids don’t even come close to the rush I get when I see that a high school friend that I didn’t even like years ago writes a status update that says, “I’m so glad it’s Friday”..or the thrilling high I get when I post a new picture of myself that is silly AND sexy at the same time! It’s..it’s blissful…

Clarence
I guess I can see your point. Time to time, I really get into MySpace.

Andrea
Uh yeah…that’s another thing. You grew up with MySpace beliefs and I practice Facebook. Our worlds don’t mix and never could. No matter how hard we tried.

Clarence
Well even though this is hard to hear and I feel like a wilted flower…I appreciate your honesty.
I guess I just figured if our relationship would end it would be because of your alcoholism and schizophrenic tendencies.
(They both laugh lovingly with each other)
Well Andrea, good luck with your.. (Pause) online community. Good bye.

Andrea
Actually Clarence…

Clarence
(Hopeful)
Yes!

Andrea
I would like to refer to us as “signing off”.

(Clarence walks away..defeated…)

THE END