October 25th, 2009
I asked you all to give me some notable movie clichés that you found humorous. For example, if someone is a victim of a crime..no matter how minor..they will be wrapped in a gray wool blanket. Even if it’s 100 degrees out. Also, women will always discuss deep relationship issues over pedicures. Here’s what you gave me:
Every time there's a scene running or driving through Manhattan, no matter where they were or going to, they always seem to go through Times Square.
The slow motion NO! accompanied by awkward grimace. See Hanz Gruber's expression in first Die Hard.
-David Forman Katz
When the cops go into a bar looking for someone...it takes a while but the bartender always seems to remember them, what they were drinking and who they were with sometimes what they were wearing as well
1)Whenever a movie or TV show wants you to believe a girl is crazy, she will always be wearing sleeves that reach half way down her hand. You always notice this because she will be using her hands to comb through her hair.
2) Whenever someone sleeps with a hooker in a show, he will always pull up and button his pants while paying her at the same time.
-Erin Scott kessler
They never say goodbye on the phone, they just hang up..
1)War movie...young private shows photo of girl friend and puppy....you KNOW he is going to be shot any moment now
2)In the western when the young cowboy talks about the little missy he has back in Texas and how he's gonna' marry her soon as he gets back...you KNOW the next scene he is killed by the gunslinger
3)two cops in a squad car on a stake out , the young detective says to the older fat cop, "Mary just got back from her sonogram, it's twins!" you Know next scene the junkie is gonna' pop him!
-Ruth Kabat Thomas
Whenever someone is discharged from the hospital, they say "I don't need to be wheeled out." and the nurse says "hospital policy."
What did you feel when you read all these? In all honestly, my heart was kind of full as I was saying to myself, “Yeah..yeah, that really does happen all the time!” Yet admitting that we find something comforting about these familiar incidences seems, shall I say, uncool. It’s like confessing that you ate at an Olive garden. And enjoyed it. Isn’t there something unifying about the familiar occurrences that we see (and share)on the big and small screen over and over again? As you know, I’m a dissector of the human experience and I wanted to know why random viewers coalesce when viewing what is expected.
I went straight to the source and interviewed Cliché. I know it might seem strange to interview an adjective that represents something familiar or commonplace. But when I set my mind to a task, I tend to persevere. My people called Cliché’s team and scheduled a meeting for us at a diner in Greenwich Village. At first I thought the locale seemed so, I don’t know, “cliché” …but I was surprised as to what I uncovered.
When I arrived, my interviewee was already sitting at a booth. Cliché’ is a raceless/sexless being. It kind of looked like an Oscar statue dressed in American Apparel.
Sorry I’m a few minutes late. I got caught looking at myself in the mirror. I’m Jacqueline
Hi Jackie, great to meet you
Actually its Jacqueline, but you can call me Jax.
(The waitress came over and was awestruck with my new celebrity friend. She blushed and told Cliché that she was a big fan. I ordered a cappuccino with soy milk. Dairy can really pull a number on my stomach. Not important now. I jumped right into questioning.)
So I see you’ve been getting many film roles this season in Sandra Bullock, Tom Cruise and Lifetime Original Movies?
I can’t complain. The struggling economy actually works in my favor. People are under a lot of stress and want to go to movies as a form of escapism. Art house films are a catalyst to “thinking” and, quite frankly, the majority of America is not interested in that.
Seriously, thinking can be a bitch. Any upcoming projects?
In the winter, I will be shooting a Julia Robert’s romantic comedy.
You’ve really been working with her since the beginning of her career. Right?
I really have. Her handlers know that she would have only gotten as far as her brother Eric if she didn’t have me supplying the giant smile, overacted monologues and catchy Top 40 theme songs.
You really are the genius of masking mediocre talent. I can do an impression of Julia having a diabetic seizure in “Steel Magnolias”. Wanna see?
(I break into a pouty lipped, shaking and teary episode. Kinda like Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally”. Just more seizure..less organism
That’s brilliant. Have you thought about doing cliché work?
Thank you. I’ll look into it. I have to say that you seem much more worldly and grounded than I expected?
I appreciate that Jax. I studied the craft of acting at Julliard and the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts in London. I wasn’t getting any roles in England because Gwyneth Paltrow was getting cast in all the British parts. Back in America, I had a few bit parts in independent films but Americans weren’t running to theaters to see movies where they didn’t know the ending. I happened to run into David Caruso in the steam room at LA Sports and he suggested that in order to make the big bucks, I needed to dumb it down. He helped me get the part of a lab technician in “CSI-Miami” and then I made my segue into films.
I know you worked with Jeff Goldblum quite a bit?
I did until word got out that he has a small penis.
Yeah, I have no interest in seeing someone with a small penis fight aliens.
You're not alone. Listen, I have to get going because I’m shooting a pilot for a new high school drama where the teachers have a lot of sex with the students.
Wow, the time really flew. You’re very easy to be with. I appreciate you giving me the time.
(Giving me extended eye contact and a hint of a smile)
I enjoyed it too Jax. You had me at diabetic seizure.
(As we walked out of the restaurant, it started to drizzle and Cliché grabbed me and started kissing me..and I liked it. Then these lyrics kicked in:
“It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out”
The sheer magnitude of the moment made me drop my notebook. I bent down to pick it up and when I got up… Cliché was gone. All that was left was an American Apparel neckerchief. I just have this feeling that we will cross paths again. And it will be good. In the meantime, as the camera fades out, I smell the fabric and slowly flash a knowing smirk..because I sense that my life is about to change forever.)