October 30th, 2009
June-Bug’s Funeral Planning & Best Halal Philly Cheese Steaks
- By Jacqueline Kabat, Troy Bynum & Kenny Wade Marshall
June-Bug(On phone) - Sir, we are very sorry for your loss. Yes, we do have availability on the fifteenth. We will be providing the limo, the flowers, the programs, and oh, I’m sorry, was that with or without onions? Absolutely.
(Elderly couple, Vivian & Gerald, enter)
June-Bug: (On phone) Great, will see you then. (To Vivian & Gerald ) Good afternoon, welcome to June-Bug’s Funeral Planning & Best Halal Philly Cheese Steaks on this side of the pearly gates.
Vivian: Oh, why thank you Mr. Bug, but we don’t eat red meat.
Gerald: Oh, Vivian, my little gardenia. You still care about my heart.
Vivian: Well, you stole my heart ever since I met you before the war.
June-Bug: World War II?
Vivian: No, Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds. We met in 2005 at the Loews Cineplex. I was in line to receive my assisted listening device.
Gerald: And I my booster seat.
June-Bug: A true timeless love story.
(all 3 share a collective sigh)
June-Bug: It’s not uncommon for senior citizens to come together to make their final arrangements. It’s often hard on the grieving spouse to…
Vivian: Oh no, we’re dying together.
Gerald: But, the details of our expiration aren’t important right now.
June-Bug: We provide several services so your passing is…
Vivian: We’re going to make your job easy. We know exactly what we want.
(June-Bug takes out note pad and pen)
June-Bug: Well, shoot.
Vivian: My lesbian daughter would like to sing “Wind Beneath My Wings”.
June-Bug: Sure, that’s fine. “Wind Beneath My Wings”….original.
Gerald: We’d like to be buried together in the same casket with my box set of “Matlock”.
Vivian: And “Murder She Wrote”. Only seasons one through four.
June-Bug: Yeah, season five was trite and predictable. That all sounds great. I’m sure we can accommodate your wishes.
(June-Bug begins to close his notebook.)
Vivian: We’d like to go with a theme.
June-Bug: A theme?
Gerald: Yes, a combination Bollywood meets bed pan-Kama Sutra-Moulin Rogue Burlesque-Fiber-Circus.
(June-Bug gives a confused look)
Vivian: Under the Sea.
June-Bug: What would this entail?
June-Bug: I have a permit.
Gerald: A pony
June-Bug: Got one in back
Vivian: Just one? A bowling shoe, left foot only.
June-Bug: Of course.
Gerald: Five Salmon Rushdie impersonators
June-Bug: Easy to find
Vivian: Three twelve packs of New Coke.
Gerald: Dr. Kavorkian
Vivian: Just in case
June-Bug: Makes complete sense
Vivian: A lubed up Jermaine Jackson
June-Bug: Bold choice
Gerald: The Philadelphia Eagles
Vivian: Haley Joel-Osmont’s head.
June-Bug: Hmmmm, OK
Gerald: We’d also like our casket tricked out with…
Vivian: Spinners, hydrolics and DVD capabilities
Gerald: We’d like that Kanye West to preside over the services
June-Bug: I’ve got him on speed-dial. Look, this is all fine and good but, if you don’t mind my asking, where do the cheese steaks fit in?
Vivian: Excuse me?
June-Bug: We can do a beautiful assortment with and without cheese whiz
Gerald: I am not interested in any cheese and /or whiz at my funeral
Vivian: That doesn’t make any sense at all
June-Bug: What kind of establishment do you think I’m running here?
Gerald: I beg your pardon?
June-Bug: I don’t care how much money you have or how wrinkled you are..you are not going to desecrate the sanctity of June-Bug’s Funeral Planning & Best Halal Philly Cheese Steaks. If you want a plain old funeral, then go down the block to Max’s We Only Do Funerals and NOT CHEESE STEAKS!
Vivian: (Flinches in pain) I can’t see out of my left eye!
Gerald: Great, look what you did! Angry Funeral home director’s are the number one cause of retinal detachment in seniors over the age of sixty-five.
June-Bug: Get the fuck out!
Gerald: Well, I never. Let’s go honey.
Vivian: (To Gerald) Give me the car keys my beloved. I’m very worked up and feel like driving through a farmer’s market to take the edge off.
(Vivian & Gerald Exit)
June-Bug: Damn. They must be crazy. And to think, I almost wasted a perfectly good fiber circus on them!