Saturday, October 10, 2009

Day 63 - You Hate Me. You Really Really Hate Me

October 10th, 2009

I asked my loving audience to tell me which celebrities that they despised the most. Here were the responses:

Cameron Diaz
Matthew McConaughey
Jennifer Aniston
Lady Gaga
Tyra Banks
Donald Trump
Bill Mahrer
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
The Kardashians
Jon and Kate Gosselin

I want to see a film that involves all of your unloved shout outs.We'll need the help of Johnson and Phillips. I introduced them to you in “Day 16 - Bacon Fetish” and “Day 43 - Take a Load Off Annie.” They are reoccurring fictionalized (but real in my heart) ahead of their time marketing executives with a mutual interest in each other’s wives and unsubtle sexual innuendo for each other. They have recently relocated from Manhattan to Los Angeles( much like Laverne and Shirley moving from Milwaukee to LA.)Now they have become ahead of their time movie producers. The following pitch goes down in a sunny over sized office with a view of the Hollywood Hills at Universal Studios.

Johnson, I feel I got a real winner for our next feature. We have Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Aniston playing lifelong “frenemies” who are down on their luck. They’re both racing against the biological clock and each other to become pregnant. Aniston’s character dumps Matthew McConaughey because she grew tired of his chronic marijuana addiction and erectile dysfunction. He doesn’t takes it well and starts to immediately date underage girls. In a mean-spirited phone call, he tells Aniston, “That's what I like about these high school girls. I get older, they stay the same age.” Diaz recently breaks up with the President of the Islamic Republic of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. She was turned off by his story entitled , “Israel must be wiped off the map”. Plus he always hogged the covers.

Phillips, I love it. Now I want to devour you like a fish taco. Tyra Banks will play their token black friend who was dating Michael Vick until he was arrested for an interstate dog fighting ring. Inspired by Vick's felony, she hosts a reality show called “Americas Top Model Mauler” where she operates a model fighting ring out of her back yard. It’s the darling of the Nielson ratings.

You’re the darling of my groin Johnson. Obviously, Bill Mahrer will play Jennifer Anistons brother who raised her after their parents were killed in a freak mall speed walking accident. Donald Trump is Cameron Diaz’s father. When the two men meet, there is just too much ego in a square foot and the result is spontaneous combustion. They literally disappear into flames.

Nice. After the tragedy, Diaz and Aniston put aside their differences and soon realize that they are in love with each other. The obligatory lesbian sex scene will be just as raunchy as the time I spent with your wife in the back my Infiniti M35. During this girl on girl action, the Grammy nominated theme song (sung by Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga and Bono) will be playing in the backdrop. The sounds will consist of the hypnotic arrangements of synthetic rhythms of aboriginal rock. After Aniston and Diaz's love is recognized, Jon and Kate Gosselin's children grow tired of their parent’s juvenile, uninteresting and over sensationalized bullshit. All 8 kids get adopted by Aniston and Diaz. Happiness ensues. Meanwhile, Jon and Kate don’t want their 15 minutes to end. They adopt the Kardashians.

Love it! I smell Oscar! And by Oscar, Johnson, I mean your wiener.

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