Day 58 - Klan Bake

October 5th, 2009

I hate racists, anti-Semites and Martha Stewart. Growing up in the South, it wouldn’t have been uncommon to have run-ins with my first two grievances. People might have been racist or anti-Semitic… but they were ABSOLUTELY lovely about it. You might hear something like, “Oh, ya know..the Holocaust never happened. Would y’all like some sweat tea?” My disdain for Ms. Stewart derives from a primal vibe that no perfect muffin, table setting or gardening tip can overshadow that there is an evil demon living deep inside her well manicured so-called soul.

As comedians, sometimes our only tool to make sense of the insensible is to dive headfirst into the issues that don’ settle well. Sometimes, attempting to navigate our way though the warped psyche of the people who lack tolerance is a good place to start. A few years a ago I wrote a sketch entitled “Klan Bake” that combined my previously mentioned stressors. It was a Martha Stewart-esque cooking show that provided the audience tips for how to cook more “white”. I played the host, Kathy White, a crazy eyed southern version of Ms. Stewart. Also, in order to really drive the ridiculous point home, we wore white sheets. If someone didn’t “get the joke”, it might have appeared that we were the most intolerant unethical group of performers to have ever crossed a stage. That in itself is ironic since our group consisted of a Jew, a black man, a homosexual and a hippie. Minus a few dissenters, this sketch always seemed to work and years later people still remember it. And creating something memorable that actually says something(besides fluff with low brow shock value), in my opinion is what artists should strive for.

KLAN BAKE
(Everyone is dressed in white sheets)

KATHY WHITE - :Hi, I’m your host Kathy White and Welcome to Klan Bake.

(Martha Stewart morning show Jingle)

Martin Luther King Day is right around the corner. What does that mean? You might be tempted to eat darker food like chocolate, dark meat and more chocolate. Joining us is bestselling author of “Cooking Lite…as in White”, Chef Scooter Travis. He’s going to give us a better idea how to make “eating white” a lot more interesting. It's not just about white bread and all-purpose flour anymore, is it Scooter?

SCOOTER TRAVIS: No, it's not. Cooking whiter can be really fun. Just like any other time that we’re cooking “lite” , we can use what's whitest in the market. Today I’ve brought white potatoes, white rolls, cauliflower, white gravy and of course …pork, the most superior white meat.

(Scooter starts arranging food on plate)

KATHY WHITE - :Hmmm…looks delicious and packed with Aryan goodness.

SCOOTER TRAVIS –It really is Kathy. It’s the perfect meal for your annual White Supremacist BBQ.

KATHY WHITE - …or my anti-Semitic Luau...

SCOOTER TRAVIS –Kathy, when serving this meal…good presentation is a must. Be sure…and I repeat be sure to place the cauliflower to the FAR RIGHT of your pork.

KATHY WHITE - awww the FAR RIGHT…a bold choice Scooter, (To audience) one really can’t underestimate the importance of food segregation.

SCOOTER TRAVIS –This is very true Kathy. Also, a little trick I like to do is to serve the mashed potatoes in the shape of a swastika.

KATHY WHITE – That is just adorable…and almost too pretty to eat… (Scooter and Kathy chuckle simultaneously with a hint of sexual tension)

(Brother Gelman in a Nazi outfit marches up and gives a Heil Hitler Salute from audience)

KATHY WHITE – Looks like Brother Gelman is giving us the queue that we need to go to commercial…we’ll be right back…

(Jingle)

VOICE OVER
Cross burnings and lynchings can really do a number on your whites.(Actor holds up dirty sheet and looks flustered ) Do you wonder how you’ll ever remove the grass, sweat and blood stains from your sheets and pointed pillow case hoods? ( Actor nods yes) Since the Ku Klux Klan was formed as a social club by a group of Confederate Army Veterans in Pulaski, Tennessee in 1865, Negro Tide has been helping racist families fight tough laundry stains and keep their sheets looking great. (Actor holds up Negro Tide) The Negro Tide’s advanced cleaning power is even found in the Grand Wizard’s laundry room….shouldn’t it be in yours?(Smiling, the actor holds up Negro Tide and a clean sheet. Gives a
thumbs up)

(Jingle)

KATHY WHITE - : Welcome back to Klan Bake and with us today is Chef Scooter Travis, author of “Cooking Lite…as in White”. Scooter, any wines suggestions to accompany this feast?

SCOOTER TRAVIS –Kathy, any white wines would be lovely. A Sauvignon Blanc, perhaps a Pinot Grigio, or, dare I say, a Chardonnay

KATHY WHITE - : Would you agree that any other wine other than white…is the devil’s wine?

SCOOTER TRAVIS –Indeed Kathy. Lucifer loves the Merlot.

KATHY WHITE - : I’ll say. Scooter, thank you so much for joining us and congratulations on the success of your book. Anyone spreading the message of white power through culinary expression is a friend of ours at Klan Bake. (To audience) David Duke will be with us tomorrow to show us how to safely roast marshmallows from our burning crosses. Good Day

(Jingle)

The End