Sunday, October 4, 2009

Day 57 - To the Left, To the Left, To the Left

October 4th, 2009

My friend Mary told me that I would never win any handwriting awards. This is really a shame because there is nothing I would love more than to be the recipient of that trophy. I would display it next to my ribbons for being the state champion of napping. I admit that my handwriting might resemble that of a 5 year old, a doctor's prescription or upon analysis, put me in the category of serial killer.

I do have an excuse for my “special” style of written script. I am a PROUD member of the 10 percent of the population that are lefties, southpaws, sinistrals. All these terms describe our misunderstood group of people. Lefties have been unfairly treated for hundreds of years. Did you know that the Bible contains about 25 unfavorable references to the left hand? I didn't either. Jews are always the last to learn fun New Testament trivia.

Right-handed people are thought to process information using a “linear sequential" method while left-handed persons are thought use “visual simultaneous" to process information. I don't want to get into the scientifics of that which sways us to the left or the right. I just want to be the voice for those of us lefties, with ink on our hands, who have grown tired of right- handers with their "Oh spiral notebooks and lecture class desks are made for our superior race.”

The majority of lefties that I have crossed paths with are seldom mediocre. I see my people as extremely gifted or fucked up. Often both and seldom no shades of gray in between. Statistics show left-handed people are more likely to die young, be schizophrenic, alcoholic, delinquent or dyslexic. Awesome. Sure we might believe in Dog, but our brain's award winning right hemisphere deals with music, art, perception, emotions, and other forms of abstract thinking. Did you know that many of the world's great artists, leaders and thinkers are left-handed? The last 4 out 5 presidents were lefties. The one who wasn’t? Yes, the linguistic impaired George W. ‘Nuff said. We’re also in the good company of famous musicians, scientists, comedians, and athletes. Some of the most notable southpaws are Jimi Hendrix, Babe Ruth, Leonardo da Vinci, Paul McCartney, Tina Fey, Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld.

So lefties, please join me on August 13th, International Left-Handers Day, where we'll celebrate sinistrality and increase public awareness for our dominant hand.

Don’t be envious righties. Hey, firearms are made in your favor. While I’m venturing down the road to perfect alcoholism and artistry, you’ll be overwhelmed with emotion as you say, “This moment is bigger than me” as you receive your Best Handwriting golden statue.


  1. Hey you forgot to include Ronald Reagan in your list of lefties...mmmmm...I mean southpaws.

  2. I did mention a way. He was one of the 4 out of 5 lefty Presidents.