Day 56 - The Great Happiness of Taxidermy

October 3rd, 2009

I threw it out to YOU today(via my Facebook status update) and asked for a word that I can blog about. David Hammond and Neil James, both residents of the metro New York area, replied simultaneously. I will incorporate both of their suggestions. Dave gave me “taxidermy” and Neil suggested the mini phrase “Great Happiness!” Yes, that’s two words(and an exclamation point) but he’s one of my favorite gays who feeds me while watching “True Blood” at his cozy apartment. I’ll let it go.

Although limited, I have had a few run-ins with deceased, stuffed and mounted animals. One commonality that I have taken note of is that they all seem to be smiling. At first glance, this seems astonishing considering their last contact was with a rifle wielding hunter(presumably a waspy Ivy League alumni named Farnsworth, an inbred good ol’ boy or the lovechild of Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin.)

I have peeled the onion(or skin) of the grinning dead wildlife conundrum. It has occurred to me that the quality of life (or afterlife) of these brutally mutilated wall ornaments has dramatically improved.

Let’s look at why these content murdered mounted beauties have every reason to be experiencing great happiness!:

• Taxidermy is truly a uniter. Not a divider. Where else can mammals, birds, nematodes, reptiles and amphibians live together in harmony on a wood paneled wall deep in the backwoods of Alabama?

• Let’s face it, we’ve seen the statistics and deer will have an unpleasant run in with an automobile at some point in their lives. They’re like a trailer home just waiting to be attacked by a tornado. Once they have passed on, the possibility of a deer/car collision is significantly reduced.

• Mounted animals agree that the removal of their skin for tanning is a bit brutal. But the payoff is worth it. Once the plaster cast of their body is complete, things start getting fun because it’s time to add the artificial teeth! Preying on gazelle can do a number on your pearly whites. Predators seldom get dental insurance and now they have the opportunity to get those sparkling porcelain veneers that they’ve been dreaming about.

• Mounted animals no longer need to bath themselves because their killer will work hard to preserve his “trophy”. Say goodbye to pesky hairballs and the degrading act of self genital cleansing. Taxidermists polishing their prize is comparable to getting a lovely lavender aromatherapy massage. It’s simply a decedent and soothing experience. They only use the finest products. Windex, for example, works wonders when polishing horns, antlers and fur. Just remember, NEVER brush against the grain of the hair. Amateur mistake.

• Proof of karma is certainly something to smile about. For example, let’s say a jaguar preyed on a sheep at 10:00am. Later that day, a drunk fraternity brother named Scooter shot the jag. Now they’re BOTH hanging next to each other, in dead equality, at the Sigma Alpha Epsilon house at the University of Georgia. It’s similar to the gratification of seeing that jackass who speed by us on I-85 being pulled over an hour later.

So it seems clear that “Taxidermy”& “Great Happiness!” go together harmoniously just like other great unions in history: The Bush Administration & Ethics, Tom Cruise & His Heterosexuality and OJ Simpson & His Innocence.