Day 351 - Ask Jax - Part 23

July 25th, 2010

This is the 23rd installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

If your brother is a practicing kabbalist and you're at odds...is it OK to convert to Islam? - Stephen "The Pious" Villaine, Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer: Cat Stevens asked me the same question once. At first I was skeptical to advise him to convert to Islam at the height of his fame, adopt a Muslim name and auction away all his guitars... but then I turned soft when he sang "Father & Son" around the friendship circle at Jewish camp. That song gets me. In the heart area.

Why is vacuuming such a pain in the ass? - Anonymous, Atlanta, Georgia

Jax's Answer: Wise choice to remain anonymous in regards to such a censured topic. As for me, I've dropped the ball on vacuuming because it triggers quite a bit of angst:

- My emotions have convinced me that vacuuming makes my place dirtier.
- My hair and carpet have developed a union and are conspiring against me. Even the most industrial vacuum cleaner shoots me the finger should I attempt to utilize its suction.
- End result: Outsource the chore. Or neglect it. Good news, my wig making career(that specializes in blonde hair/dust bunnies mullets) is thriving.

Does a Brazilian hurt? (I am seriously thinking about it. A couple of girlfriends swear by it) - Anonomous, Guilford, Connecticut

Jax's Answer: You did the right thing coming to me because multiple people have asked me, "Are you Brazilian?" My answer: "Half. From the waste down."

So here's the deal/ Applying scorching hot wax to our delicate lady parts to tear our hair follicles out by the root is not the most pleasant of sensory experiences. However, you know the payoff is high for you(and your special man.) So please, if you will, repeat my mantra, "It hurts...that means it's working."

I do feel obliged to give you the 'heads up" that some emotional challenges will arise from your delicately intimate relationship with the waxer of your choice. I have attached a past entry, Day 12 - "Wax-achment" to prepare you for the new feelings you will be experiencing with your hair removal specialist.

Day 12 - "Wax-achment"

Yesterday I was getting a manicure at the same place that I had a bikini wax a few days earlier. To the surprise of my fragile heart, my waxer totally ignored me. It was shocking after the intimacy we shared.

And it stung. Badly.

I am not a needy person, but a little common courtesy would be nice after combining forces and sharing something so affectionately confidential. Yet, I’m writing about it. Irony works in mysterious ways. Ms. Waxer and I shared an experience very similar to another activity that involves partaking in an act so intimate and involves endurance, strength, shared sensory experiences and interdependence. No, not doubles figure skating. I speak of THE SEX.

The similarity between like features of THE WAX and THE DOING IT, on which a comparison may be based is oh so evident to me now. Let’s take a look. If what I have written so far is “too edgy” for you I suggest that you stop reading. Now.

• Like choosing a love making partner, we have a type. Plain and simple. I personally prefer the waxing stylings of the Russians to that of the Asians. One of them has hair and the other doesn’t. Know your customer. It’s why I go to a woman gynecologist.

• Sex and waxing both can get messy, hurt more the first time, vary in speed and inspire a variety of positions.

• We have choices. With Waxing: regular, sensitive and the so called "pain free". With Sex: The insanely numerous variety of condoms has become a marketing machine.

• Both involve an enormous amount of trust. Once we experience their style, perhaps we could be willing to explore more heightened and exploratory waxing and sexing options.

• It is to our benefit to have honest conversations before both of these games begin. What do we like and dislike? If we are prone to ingrown hairs..share that piece of information as they are the equivalent to Chlamydia.

• At first, seeing your bed mate and the hair removal specialist every 4-6 weeks can create a mystique.

• The hard truth: Some people just perform better and have mad skillz with the 2 tasks that we discuss.

• Perhaps your consummation is under the umbrella of prostitution. Well, my Russian has a “pimp” that I schedule with. I pay at the end. Enough said.

• Although I am not seeing other waxers, I am certain that she is seeing other people. I tuck that away. ..I don’t want or need to hear the details of such escapades. My waxer has a gift that should be shared. Or something like that. Ugh.

• At the end of both of these "sessions"... our skin has a glow.

• If the waxee or lover wants to prove their commitment, they bring the family on board . In the case of a potential romantic relationship, perhaps a nonthreatening dinner. On our other topic, just believe that a family that waxes together…stays together.

So yesterday when I was blown off by Ms. Formerly Known as Soviet Union, it hit a nerve. But today, my self esteem is back in check. Whatevs. Other waxers want me.