July 7th, 2010
We put down the crack pipe when Nancy Reagan made her special guest appearance (as her herself) crusading for her "Just Say No to Drugs" campaign on" Diff'rent Strokes", it was verified that Britney Spears had a notch below zero comedic ability when she visited "How I Met Your Mother" and now the small screen has given us Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, in an episode of "Secret Life of the American Teenager" in a role that mirrored her real life.
Now I don't watch this show whose tag line is "Expect the unexpected", but according to my Google research, Palin appeared awkward while stumbling out lines like, "It's your buddy, Bristol. We're buddies. We're on a buddy system here, open the door." Awesome.
Evidently, she isn't interested in pursuing an acting career so she can focus on being a single mother. Bristol, I strongly urge you against this because you're blessed with the genetic and situational makeup that stars are made of.
I want you to succeed. And you can. Here's how:
- You're pretty and already in the public eye for doing nothing besides having a notorious mother and getting knocked up in a pickup truck at a kegger. Winning combo.
- Headshots are expensive. I've seen your skanky Myspace pictures. They'll do.
- Watch a lot karaoke videos, Spanish soap operas and German World War 2 propaganda videos should your talent segue you into international markets.
- Interested in comedy? Put on some librarian classes and imitate Tina Fey imitating your mother. It will klll.
- Stretching before a scene is crucial. If you can't touch your toes...have your bodyguard touch them.
- Need a monologue for an audition. 4 words: Rush Limbaugh Hate Speech
- To succeed in the acting craft, you must be willing to go to the depths of your soul to believably display the most traumatic of emotions. I recommend tapping into the fear and pain that a dying wolf suffers after your mother shoots him from an aircraft.
- My college Drama 101 teacher stressed the importance of warming up vocally. Some sample riddles:
"Good Blood, Bad Blood, Good Blood, Bad Blood,
Red Blood, Blue Blood, Red Blood, Blue Blood,..."
"Whether the weather be cold, Or whether the weather be hot, We'll be together whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not..."
"I am the daughter of a woman with a fascist agenda for moral order. Whether I like it or not. Wolf Blood, Red Blood,Good Blood..."
*In an unrelated note, this drama teacher who taught us these vocal exercises was later fired for sexual harassment. Evidently it is frowned upon when you ask your students how old they were when they lost their virginity.