July 8th, 2010
Years ago, I developed a character named Monica Merris. She was a talk show host(with an undesirable late morning time slot similar to the third hour of the "Today Show". But worse.) who is manically high energy, brutally smiley and very candid about binging and purging before going live. But like(was she shot in the face?)Greta Van Susteren, Monica asks the hard questions. That you want to know. When you're bored.
Ms. Merris was resurrected in my mind the other day and I dusted off her vomit so she could conduct an interview on a topic that I suspected would seduce my readers. BOOBS.
The statistics of my 365 day blog entry challenge are showing me that my entries related to boobs( in some way, shape or form fitting way) are generating the most responses. The numbers don't lie. And if they do...they're dicks.
Monica M. went down to Daytona Beach to interview a drunk collegiate spring breaker's breasts, Mommy 1 and Mommy 2. The interview was conducted Babara Walters style. Included were lisp, Monica partially covered by a plant in fuzzy lighting and the pressing questions that made the Mommies cry(in the form of lactation.)
Here's a short preview of what Mommy 1 and Mommy 2 revealed to my alter ego television personality:
Mommy 1: Sports bras are strait jackets for breasts. I'd rather not revisit the fear, claustrophobia and suffocation that we experienced when Master ran a 5K.
Mommy 2: We have no say as to who Master brings home to fondle us. That's Brain's job. Sadly, Master is a raging drunk and an expert in bad decision making. We've been mauled by some real douches.
Mommy 1: Basically, we're prisoners on a body. For survival, we find ourselves sympathizing with Master. Think "Stockholm syndrome" Patty Hearst.
Mommy 2: We're not naive. When Master gets knocked up...we'll end up making all the meals.
Mommy 1: Master once dabbled in burlesque and we were forced to wear these hideous glittered tassels while she did a white girl dance to some Sade song. Not only did she embarrass us. She embarrassed herself.
Mommy 2: We're going to have to cut this interview short because Master is getting drunk on Jäger shots and she's ready to participate in raw, real and uncensored action in "College Girls Gone Wild". No, we don't find this degrading because we're going to be on TV. And being on TV is awesome.