Dear Mediocre Masseuse,
It comes from a heavy heart that you will not have access to my body anymore. I found your service to be sub par. I don't think there is such a thing as a "bad massage" unless the giver is Edward Scissorhands, Freddy Krueger or someone born without hands. But, to put it quite simply, it wasn't hard enough. Perhaps you were massaging from the head...not the heart. Either way, my boyfriend has been out of town and I was in need of some human contact and you didn't deliver...No, not a happy ending. You're not my type.
When my muscles are being rubbed, kneaded and manipulated, I require that one of three things must occur: I fall asleep, drool or get aroused. To my dismay, none of these criteria were met, my mind started to wonder and I asked myself, "Did I leave the oven on?" Then I became concerned that you left your oven on. The audio you played had running water which just triggered my bladder and using Vaseline instead of some earth scented lotion was just...I don't know...creepy. Your cell phone ringing while you were working on my glutes was hard to justify. Even more difficult to stomach was the "Mission Impossible" theme song ring tone.
I am forced to take a stand and break up with you. I can't be dishonest and say, "It's not you...it's me" because it is...um... you. Yes, the separation might come as a surprise as we just had one single encounter, I pretended to enjoy the coddling and I'm a generous tipper. I was groomed to treat service people with respect and I will continue to adhere to that principle...yet, I would ultimately be providing both of us a disservice(in regards to your service) if I didn't gently urge you to consider other careers that require a gentle touch. Milk a cow...you are sure to be udder friendly. Babysit delicate newborns. Work in HR...fire people.
Shall we pass each other on the street...I don't want it to be weird. Assuming I will already be in a relationship with another masseuse, I will be feeling low tress because I'll be getting massaged in the way I deserve to be massaged.
This is not see you later. It's goodbye.
PS: Do you offer gift certificates?