Day 335 - Mom...Dad, You're Adopted

July 9th, 2010

My readers are inquiring:
- "As your blogging saga builds towards its explosion-laden, last-minute twist-that-leaves-us-wondering-if-the-villain-is-really-dead climax, how do you intend to ratchet up the tension as the brakes fly off the ride and we begin to coast into the final drop?" - Nat Sternbergh

"You are on the home stretch! almost 365! Then what? Your readers are dying to know!" - Mary Rives

"Don't you think its time for more financial security?" - Dad

6 days ago, on Day 329, I began contemplating as to where I should go post day 365.

I mentioned some initial thoughts in regards to forward movement as I began divvying up my writing into distinct categories.

1) It is crucial that I make very real goals that I will continue to throw out to the universe:

- I want to make money from my writing
- I want to have a book
- I want a "Ask Jax" column. In "The Onion" would be ideal
- I want a literary agent
- I want a pony. Named Dazzle


2) I thought there could be some wisdom for thinking about initial titles for my future book. I came up with the following.

- "How to be Successful in Comedy When You and Your Parents Are Not Alcoholics"

- "Writers: Keeping Coffee Houses in Business Since the Invention of Words"

- "Jacqueline Kabat Cookbook. Eating Healthy, It's No Joke" (cover includes me wearing an apron and chef hat as I stand in front of a piece of lattice in the Tuscan countryside)

- "My Year of Tranformative Soul Searching. And I'm Still Fucked Up"

- "The Divinci Code"

In the last few days, I've conceived a few more possible titles:

- "Enablers are Just Special Givers"

- "Boobs! Boobs! Boobs!"

- "Oprah"

Clearly some of these are in jest(kinda) but I do feel "Enablers are Just Special Givers" and "How to be Successful in Comedy When You and Your Parents Are Not Alcoholics"(or some shorter variation of this title) have some promising standing.

I was perusing the humor section at Barnes and Nobles and saw that multiple comedians have books with some reference to addiction:

"It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs" by Rodney Dangerfield

"The Other Great Depression: How I'm overcoming, on a daily basis, at least a million addictions and dysfunctions and finding a spiritual (sometimes) life" - Richard Lewis

"No Wonder My Parents Drank" - Jay Mohr


So it seems that I suffered a huge comedic disadvantage because my parents aren't alcoholics. Even more devastating, I'm not either.

It seems clear that the only way for me to move forward in my career would be to release feelings of parental resentment for not raising me in a hostile alcoholic environment.

I have scripted the conversation that I'll be having with my parents that will take place in a safe...neutral spot, The Olive Garden.

Mom. Dad,
First off. You're adopted. But that's not why I brought you here today.

In my effort to let go of my anger, I need to express how your inability to struggle with addiction has affected my comedic path. My childhood in a non-alcoholic family (sadly) has not lowered my self-esteem, not resulted in excessive feelings of guilt and, worse off,has not increased my likelihood of becoming an alcoholic. They say that the biggest gift that you can give your child is the ability to enable. I've focused long enough on the negative parts of living with your sobriety. Oprah told me to remember the hurt but let go of the pain. Stedman urged me to acknowledge the act but let go of the anger. The proverbial silver lining in the dark cloud of your non-lush lifestyle choice is that I've had to tap into the depths of my soul to find my own things to be bitter about. Perhaps this perseverance is a genetic trait that I inherited from my birth parents who left me on the steps of a Mail Boxes Etc.on 6th Avenue. Today I come from a place of peace and extend this Olive(Garden) branch to you so we can experience the familial bliss of a functioning alcoholic family.