July 20th, 2010
Last night. Made steak. Felt primal.
My favorite animal is steak. This last sentence. Stole it. Thanks comedian Fran Lebowitz.
I wanted to channel my inner Carlos Mencia and be accused of being a plagiarist by stealing jokes from a number of comedians. In typical South Park fashion, an episode entitled "Fishsticks" had an animated Mencia admit "I took credit for it because I'm not actually funny!.... I just take jokes and repackage them with a Mexican accent!"
Later in the show, he is killed by Kanye West.
So it seems as if the Honduran-born American comedian's career hasn't suffered from taking credit for other people's jokes. So that means one thing. I must aim higher and be the thief of another person's words and ideas.
Let's do this.
I woke up this morning and it was delightful outside. "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin. I needed to go shopping and as we all know, "Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to." - Chris Rock. I hopped in a cab and had the driver stop at the bank. "Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?" - George Carlin. I was unpleasantly overcome by a pungent odor in the car. "What's with the cab drivers and B.O.? Just how long are these shifts? It's like they just get in the cab and drive 'til they are dead. Then they always have that cherry popit on the dashboard. Like that's suppose to be some kind of an improvement. Now you've got the cherry flavored B.O. I can't even imagine fruit going that long without a shower." - Jerry Seinfeld. "I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse." - Dennis Miller.
When I arrived at the Caucasian mall, I was pleased that the food court was selling Hot Pockets. "There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don’t want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea." - Jim Gaffigan. After inhaling the processed microwavable turnover, " I was sweating like Kathy Lee at a Carrot Top look alike contest" - Lisa Lampanelli. My eyes are bigger than my stomach so I continued to peruse more edible mall options. "I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut… I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here… It’s in my file at home. …Under D." - Mitch Hedberg.
I was feeling guilt for overeating because "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." -- Ellen DeGeneres. I blame my overdose on it being that time of the month. "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself" - Roseanne. Whatever the catalyst, I found myself falling into a lethal food coma... I kept repeating, "I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't." - Steve Martin. "It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen.
Like a gift from the mall Gods, my digestion torment was resolved when a perceived romantic option came my way to the left of the Gyro Hut. "I met this lawyer, we went out, I had the lobster bisque. We went back to my place, yadda yadda yadda, I never saw him again." - Elaine Benes. Yeah, I'm alright with that because my mantra is, "When the sun comes up, I have morals again." - Elayne Boosler.