July 29th, 2010
Location: Body hairs from the hairiest woman in the world are congregating at the shower drain.
(Eyebrow Hair and Nose Hair are tweezed and slide to the shower drain where Pubic Hair is waiting)
Pubic Hair - Hello Nose Hair. And Eyebrow Hair... haven't seen you since our unfortunate visit to the Ukrainian waxer.
Eyebrow Hair - That was traumatic! Afterward, I laid low with Root and Follicle before I came back to Body.
Pubic Hair - That's why I went to Brazil for 4-6 weeks.
Nose Hair - So sorry guys. Sounds tough. (pause) So Pubic Hair...why did you call a meeting of the hairs?
Pubic Hair - I met up with Ear Hair on some scissors the other day and he told me that he heard the "woman" is getting laser surgery.
(Eyebrow Hair and Nose Hair gasp)
Pubic Hair - Evidently she is not impressed with our recyclable powers and being confused for a man. Or an Ape. Here comes Toe Hair and Chest Hair. They already know what might go down. Or off..
(Toe Hair and Chest Hair join the hairs at the drain)
Toe Hair - Hairs! I will not stand for our permanent removal. It's not my fault she didn't win the genetic lottery.
Chest Hair - She needs us. We provide a layer of warmth that no winter coat can compete with! No coat!
Pubic Hair - Settle down hairs. It's important that we remain united. If not...we'll end up like them(points to Black Chin Hair and Gray Hair sliding to the group. Arguing)
Black Chin Hair - You're racist Gray Hair!
Gray Hair - I was born on Jim Crow's head. You can't teach an old hair new tricks.
(Black Chin Hair leans in to attack Gray Hair. He's held back by the Hairs)
Pubic Hair - Enough....we need to stick together.. .the "woman" has a 2pm appointment at TLC Laser Center.
(Black Chin Hair and Gray Hair become speechless and express concern)
Toe Hair - Is she planning on doing it from head to me?
Pubic Hair - Toe Hair, here's the information I have. The plan is to remove everything from the brow down. Head Hair is safe.
Nose Hair - Head Hair!? She's such a Bitch!
Chest Hair - Totally. .the "woman" unjustifiably regards Head Hair as the Ivy League of hairs.
(Leg Hair comes in laughing...not knowing of impending doom)
Leg Hair - So she shaved me with a cheap single blade Gillette plastic razor. I disappear for five minutes. What's the point? Seriously.
Gray Hair - Well don't get used to your hasty comebacks...we're being eliminated. Permanently.
Leg Hair - Laser? I thought Ear Hair was fucking with me.( starts to cry.)
Pubic Hair - Hairs, I am a Pubic Hair. Strong and wise. I have an escape plan. I had all of us congregate here at the drain because we're relocating to a place where we ALL are revered and can have a place to call our home. Forever.
Chest Hair - But where Pubic Hair? Where?
Pubic Hair - An ungroomed standard poodle.
Eyebrow Hair - Brilliant! But how do we make the pilgrimage to the dog?
Pubic Hair - This is how(he points to Ear Hair flying towards them while riding Handlebar Moustache Hair)
Nose Hair - Brilliant!
Pubic Hair - Handlebar Moustache Hair will now fly us away to where hairs can live together. In Hair-mony.
(While Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" plays in the background, all the hairs hop on Handlebar Moustache Hair and fly away to an upscale purebred doggie daycare.)