Thursday, July 22, 2010

Day 348 - Greasy Trailer Park Lesbian Threesome Porn Ultimatum

July 22nd, 2010

I have a dad, a brother, guy friends, past boyfriends and a current boyfriend. So I am pretty educated as to what guys adore:

- Beer
- Grills
- Lazy boys(with ass groove)
- Greasy trailer park lesbian threesome porn
- Ultimatums

Oh I know...I am aware that you're saying, "But Jax!," Say it isn't so. Men are in the Facebook group "Fans of Ultimatums"...really?

According to the MOST reliable information source (after Urban Dictionary and my waxer),"Cosmopolitan", men love when women(often in an act of desperation) demand fulfillment in a specified period of time.

Cosmo, You're incorrigible. Tell me how the XY chromosome types are, ya know, totally cool with a good 'ol fashioned ultimatum?

Cosmo :"It's a relationship myth that giving your guy an ultimatum will mess things up."

Jax's Thoughts - Here's another lacking in credibility myth for you. According to the Buddha of middle aged white women in red states, Dr Phil, "It is a myth that a great relationship requires a great romance." Phillip, isn't a relationship without romance a ...what's that word...stay with's coming.. a friendship?

Cosmo: "The best way to make sure you'll stay relaxed is to talk to him as soon as you realize marriage has been on your mind frequently."

Jax's Thoughts: Want to stay relaxed. I suggest the Obama presidential acceptance speech method: Pretend you're The Fonze after 15 hours of Bikram Yoga, reading "The Secret" and downing a bottle of Quaaludes. Oprah stays easy breezy with heart to hearts with Stedman by purchasing a nonthreatening heavyset white man to lean on.

Cosmo:"When you start getting those persistent wedding-bell urges, find a nonstressful time to chat, like during a quiet dinner."

Jax's Thoughts: Be specific, Cosmo. Come on. It's crucial that said "quiet dinner" take place at the Olive Garden. Their motto, "When you're're family" is sure to subliminally persuade your noncommittal special man to make you a part of "his family". If that doesn't work, the magical aphrodisiacs in the Five Cheese Ziti al Forno is sure to make him fall into a love coma. Then a real coma.

Cosmo:" Make a date to have a follow-up convo"

Jax's Thoughts - The follow up is brilliant. During this time, he will meet, fall in love with and marry a woman who doesn't get ultimatum advice from "Cosmo".

Good news. Keep reading Cosmo for tips on how to find a new man: Win his heart by loosing your sense of self, anorexia and the perfect appletini.

1 comment:

  1. I was going to challenge you on the 'Lazy boys (with ass groove)' until I remembered, "Oh yeah, the furniture kind".