Day 341 - Jax's Alternative Universe Bible

July 15th, 2010

I was speaking to a nice person the other day who's been living a life of practicing the seven heavenly virtues - Chastity, Temperance, Charity, Diligence, Patience, Kindness and Humility.

I know. Right? Living Righteously...Borrringggg....

In my effort to convince my readers(and myself) to "own our sins", I have a new anti-bible hardcover entitled:"Jax's Alternative Universe Bible".

I'm aware that you're asking, "But Jax! You wear Jewess jeans. How are you so versed in the New Testament? Simple answer. I have a writing group. And God is a member.

Some highlights from "Jax's Alternative Universe Bible" that can be found at Barnes and Nobles. In the hell section.

* LUST

God's Bible: “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible: My scriptures encourage you to allow your oversexed genitals to be your guide. Acting on your primal and intense desires with whomever you want, when you want and where you want shows that you're a real "go getter." There is, however, one exception. All followers of the "Jax's Alternative Universe Bible" shall not thrust their self-indulgent craving for sexual intimacy upon my boyfriend. Seriously...not cool.

* GLUTTONY

God's Bible: “For drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags” (Proverbs 23:21).

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible: Eating in excess means you're not anorexic, over drinking says, "Hey, I'm not sober and boring!" and consuming material objects in bulk means you're rich. Or married well. All good things.

* GREED

God's Bible: “Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more” (Ephesians 4:19).

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible: Excessive self-centeredness reminds the busy sinner to take some "All about me time."

* WRATH

God's Bible: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1) .

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible - I say spurn love and opt for fury. In "A Few Good Men", an enraged anger Jack Nicholson says, "You can't handle the truth!"

In summation, Wrath= Oscar nomination

* ENVY

God's Bible: “Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation” (1 Peter 2:1-2).

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible -Your painful and resentful desire to possess the same traits, status, abilities and situations enjoyed by another is a great way to connect and let them know, "Hey I recognize your awesomeness even if I'm allowing my own insecurities to destroy my life. Let's high five."

* PRIDE

God's Bible: “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18).

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible : Have pride in your inflated ego. 1 out of every 2 people went to a high school whose mascot was a panther. Remember what the cheerleaders said to us at the state football game:

Panther pride! Panther pride!
We're steppin’ up, so step aside!
We're the best; we’re here to win
Panther power's here again!

And cheerleaders are wise.

* SLOTH

God's Bible: “The way of the sluggard is blocked with thorns, but the path of the upright is a highway” (Proverbs 15:19).

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible: Jobs are overrated, soap operas make you smarter and not showering is the biggest gift you can give the environment. The pot isn't going to smoke itself.