Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Day 326 - Satan - Lactose Intolerant

June 30th, 2010

My friend Claudia brought up a good point...what is Satan's last name?

When I received this question, I was in the rare mood of cleaning my boyfriend's brownstone and(since this is rarely my inclination) I felt it best to stick with my task. Through a telepathic seance, I got my handlers on it and (by using a graphic intensive PowerPoint presentation and interpretative dance) they provided me the answer to the Satan surname conundrum.

As it turns out, Satan was born "Angus 'Scooter' Cox-Grabs". His parents were Ohio dairy farmers and members of the Facebook group, "Fans of Hyphenated Names".

Childhood was a charmed time for Satan...the days were filled with udder squeezing and nighttime was when the Cox-Grab's indulged in Pictionary.

All seemed well until teeneagehood. It had always been the assumption that Satan would take over the family dairy business when his parents passed away(presumably in a freak accident at the county Fair's "jumping in a giant burlap sack" contest.) Well, he was starting to think his passion could lay with other possibilities: Being a customer service rep for Sprint, having an online recycled umbrella business or being a powerful, supernatural entity that is the personification of evil and the enemy of God and humankind.

His parents did not respond kindly to Satan's ambitions for a new life course not related to calcium. Right before they shunned him from their lives forever, they doused him with a bucket of spoiled goat milk. As a result, his skin turned into a fiery shade of red. Not his color. He was an autumn.

This primal abandonment was the catalyst for him to go in the direction of career choice # 3, being the allegory that represents a crisis of faith, individualism, free will, wisdom and enlightenment.

Using good business sense, he knew he'd not be taken seriously as a "rebeller" of God with the name "Angus 'Scooter' Cox-Grabs".

He went with Satan because fame and prestige is always attained by the world's most notable one namers... God. Moses. Bono.

Satan knew that his target audience had to be the souls that were already on a downward spiral and vulnerable, strip club clientele. Easy sell.

One night at Beavers Gentleman Club, Satan crossed paths with two weathered British lads. The dialogue went as follows:

Satan(To Mick J.)- Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith

Mick J - Wanker.( Then this limber large lipped Brit went on stage and challenged Anastasia the stripper to a dancing like a chicken-off.)

Satan(To Keith R.) - Pleased to meet you (whoo whoo)
Hope you guessed my name, (whoo whoo) oh yeah (whoo whoo)

Keith R - Jesus Bloody Christ! If you tell me your name I'll give you a semi-synthetic opioid drug synthesized from morphine that's a derivative of the opium poppy.

Laughter, heavy drug use and a Satan theme song ensued.

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