Monday, June 28, 2010

Day 324 - Hooked on Colonics

June 28th, 2010

I generally pride myself on being better than writing about those dark lowbrow dimensions of bathroom humor. Today(in the spirit of honesty and shame), I am not better than that.

You know when you wake up in the morning, roll over and ask your significant other, "What's up with colonics?" Happened this morning.

Warning: If you tend to fend away from (fecal) matters that are in no way related to sophistication and aren't comfortable with the process of dried up shi-at being removed from one's colon, stop reading now. Find blogs with safe topics. Like animated blue jays.

According to legitimate sources, a colonic is an internal cleansing of the colon using a gentle and safe infusion of filtered water to remove toxic build-up.

Urban dictionary, the interweb's darling of passages describing the meaning of terms in a raw-like fashion reveals that a colonic is(seriously, step away from the screen if you can't handle the exaggeration of potty humor) the burning, uncontrollable flow of ass water and acidic shit that exits your colon while burning your asshole (aka: ass piss). A mixture of this ("ass piss") and bowl water may also back splash onto your cheeks...this usually depends on the force of the colonic and consistency of the("ass piss".)

Don't judge me. I dared to leap out of my comfort zone by tapping into colon irrigation. I won't judge you. If you're constipated.

THEY say that the benefits of a colonic include an increased sense of well-being and renewed vitality, illness prevention and improved digestion. THEY also tell us that the procedure is a hyped up myth that removes that "good" bacteria. I generally feel that one should never question the wisdom and findings of THEY...but this leaves me(and my colon) perplexed.

THEY did leave me hanging...but the next best source, tabloid magazines, did not. I peruse (but never buy) them in line at the grocery store and I became aware that Ben Affleck, Janet Jackson and Cindy Crawford visit the colonic center. So it might be time for colonic naysayers to consider the process of laying down, having a disposable speculum gently inserted into their back door and having a warm watered filtered cleaning. Bonus that a trained practitioner(presumably a large-ish Ukrainian woman) will be massaging your stomach to maximize the release of stored up waste.

Still not convinced? Let's keep it simple y'all. Come on. Celebrities do it. And you know who are awesome? Celebrities. And unicorns.

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