Sunday, June 27, 2010

Day 323 - Low Sperm Count On Public Transportation

June 27th, 2010

Today's blog is being conceptualized on a bus as I return to New York from East Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania where I was teaching my "Humor For Health" comedy improv workshop at Deerfield Spa and Resort. Go there. You will be pampered and loved. I mean, If you're into that thing.

I'm riding a Greyhound-esque bus line called Martz Trailways. I think you'll find their mission statement soothing:

"It is the mission of the Martz Group to provide safe, reliable, courteous transportation service at an affordable price."

I'd like to give a shout out to the noblest of heroes in the world of transporting passengers from one(in desperate need of renovation) bus station to the next. The bus driver. The forgotten heroes in this world where lauded careers start at fireman and end at 7-Eleven cashier.

It's time for these self-sacrificing transporters(who drop off AND...get this.. PICK UP passengers in a large long bodied vehicle) to have sexy adjectives attached to their service: Noble...illustrious warriors... legendary figures of divine descent endowed with great strength and ability.

A large portion of my intense interest in these captains of heavy machinery is that I am quite cognizant that I have notable strengths... and being a bus driver would not be one of them.'s why:

- I'm certain that a short sleeve button down, tie and name tag would not be figure flattering.

- I'm social. Very social. And prone to distraction. I'd want to shoot the shi-at with my passengers and rely on my inflatable autopilot to take the wheel to stay the course.

- I'd see a male and female passenger sitting next to each other. They're strangers. I'd touch both of their heads and say, "Even though you've made that unspoken pact that you have little to no interest in having an inane conversation...I feel a connection between you two. Grab a latte when we arrive in Bumblefuck.Go to a cheap motel(with hourly rates.) Then return to your spouses."

- When an inconsiderate passenger has an obnoxiously audible cell phone conversation, I would grab the phone, throw it out the window and run down the aisle with my hands out expecting to be high-fived by the other passengers. They'd leave me hanging.

- I'd conduct the passengers in singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight". In a round.
The left side sings: Ee-e-e-um-um-a-weh, ee-e-e-um-um-a-weh wemoweh, wemoweh, wemoweh, wemoweh...
While the right side belts: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight...

- I'd let intuition be my guide as I'd stroll down the aisle and point to the men that I suspect have a low sperm count.

- I'd ask people to raise their hands if they're a white supremacist.

- I'd take a urine sample from everyone, pull over to the side of the highway and have a lemonade stand.

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