Thursday, June 17, 2010

Day 313 - The Continued Adventures of Biker Dick. The Rumble

June 17th, 2010

On day 285, in my entry entitled "Biker Dick. And Proud"(, I admitted that my new adventures on two wheels has turned me into something that I once fervently disdained, a biker dick.

Here's why:

- I rode facing traffic in order to make eye contact with drivers and shoot them the finger.

- I weaved in and out of the streets to prove that I was agile, flexible and shitfaced.

- I rode into an intersection without obeying a stop sign. I got off my bike, put my arms in the air and yelled to the drivers, "Not only are you hurting the environment, you're hurting Al Gore!"

- I made a point to ride on the sidewalk. Easier to kick the strollers.

- When it got dark, I didn't turn on my high power LED lights.This effectively told pedestrians and motorist that they look better in the dark.

My few weeks on my new mode of transportation(that know who's a bad ass? I am) has presented me opportunities to observe the subcategories of the paella of Biker Dicks. A sampling:

- Tri-blend V-neck Hipster Biker Dick

- Just Got back from St. Tropez Yuppie Biker Dick

- Has No Problem running Over Kittens Chinese Food Delivery Guy Biker Dick

- Out of Shape but Doesn't Know it Biker Dick

- You're Too Old to be Using Emoticons Texting Biker Dick

All forms of life have been plaguing pedestrians and drivers for quite some time. But what about each other? My (limited) experience tells me that there's an unspoken rivalry amongst theses subdivisions of bikers. Enough of the madness! It's time for it to be addressed...through a choreographed music video Biker Dick Rumble. Think Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video. But with more bikes.

The music video opens with the news of a fight circulating at a bike lane in an urban city. Biker Dicks start arriving on racing bikes, mountain bikes, recumbent bicycles, utility bikes and unicycles. The camera cuts to a scene of me lying on a bed, contemplating the senseless act of bike dickery. I leave the room upon hearing the commotion caused by the rival bikers.

Donning breathable spandex, X Bionic Ultra-Light Biking Socks and an olive branch, I dance/bike my way through the biker lanes towards the fight. Arriving at the scene, where a bike chain fight is taking place between the biker gang leaders, I break up the fight and launch into a dance routine. The video ends with synchronized mass choreography as all the bikers join me in the dance, agreeing that being a biker dick is senseless.

Then we all bike away. And act like dicks.

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