June 12th, 2010
Oh world cup...you've resurfaced after your four year sabbatical. You just disappear. Like teardrops in the rain.
When the U.S. team faces England today, the famed 1950 upset over England will be on the minds of many. Perhaps a few other English disappointments will be triggered like that 1776 thing. And don't even get me started on The War of 1812.
The notorious rivalry between America(ranked 14th) and that country across the ocean(ranked 8th) continues today and I have some strategy tips for the American team so our country can continue to have the attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner with presumptuous claims and assumptions.
America, your best defense will be combining your soccer skills with British stereotypes. Generalizations and unverifiable content-matter renders a Brit powerless.
Strategy tips for America:
Center Forward:
To succeed, you will need to be aggressive, brave and offer the opposing team powdered wigs. The stunning elaborate design of curls and waves topped off with a dousing of white powder is sure to distract your English competitors. You also must be prepared to work hard without the ball, know how to dribble your opponents and be able to score goals while reading Harry Potter.
Center Fullback (or Stopper’s):
Your main task is to play offensively at intervals while screaming "splendid," "terribly," "cheerio," "what-ho," and "bloody." If the British verbiage is not proving to divert their attention, scream," Mary Poppins is a whore!"
Goalkeeper:
Your job is to defend your team against British emotional coldness. You are the designated player that is in charge of distracting English opponents with naked pictures of Elizabeth Hurley, Fergie Duchess of York...and (should their be an emergency situation)... Prince Charles. Surprisingly...greats abs.
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