June 23rd, 2010
A few years ago a nutritionist gave me the following instructions for roasting kale:
- Preheat oven to 415 degrees
- Wash the leaves
- Add a hint of kosher salt and lemon
- While the kale is roasting (for 15-20 minutes)...go masturbate
- Return to kitchen, remove kale and enjoy!
This caught my (short)attention(span) because the act of self love seemed like quite a provocative cooking tip.
(Side note: It turns out roasted kale is remarkably delicious. Tastes like potato chips. You're right...it was an unexpected carnival in my mouth. Oh you.)
So back to sex. Because it always comes back to sex. The attention whore of all attention whores.
I mention this because as my 365 day blog entry challenge seems to be nearing an end, I've been reviewing entries past to see some common threads and themes that I've offered up to the blogasphere and I'm making note of where my readers provided some(well appreciated) responses.
Upon my review, it seems as if my blogs that inspired you to take a moment out of your busy day( being at work or on the phone waiting to speak to a "live" employment representative) were often under a sexual umbrella. Cases in point: Like Michelangelo's fresco on the Sistine Chapel ceiling, you reached out your virtual hand to me(via Facebook and Blogspot comments) when I told you what is required to see my boobs, when we explored the phenomena of penis panic and when we met the STD's at a dive bar called The Itch. Blue Oyster Cult’s “Burnin' for You” was playing.
Below are some sexed up blogs from the past year that have made me as the writer and you as the reader feel. Things. MPQs included (Memorable Perv Quotes)
Day 5- Unintentional Cleavage
MPQ - "Tits are Powerful."
Day 12 - Wax-achment
MPQ - "Like choosing a love making partner, we have a type. Plain and simple.I personally prefer the waxing stylings of the Russians to that of the Asians. One of them has hair and the other doesn’t. Know your customer. It’s why I go to a woman gynecologist."
Day 35 - Penis
MPQ - "God DAMN! I LOVE HAVING A PENIS!!!
Day 60 - "Makin' Whoopee!"
MPQ - "Host Bob Eubanks: Where was the strangest place you've ever made whoopee?
Very Candid Male Contestant: That'd be the butt, Bob."
Day 70 - 69
MPQ - "Words or phrases that Jax’s blog readers think sound dirty..but are not: "Fallacious, ramrod, angina, May I push your stool in for you? Lick my Man Bag, camel toe, mukluk, ball-peen hammer, Doggie Style Grooming Salon, Bangkok, moist, tempus fugits, duty, titmouse, crotchety, ballcock, rectory, kumquat, manhandle, a pair of tickets halfway up the end zone, discharge, bagina, Come Soon( Chinese restaurant in Israel), phucket and Dick Butkus.'"
Day 148 - The Tension of the Sexual
MPQ - " I have a friend who is a chronic masturbator"
Day 203 – Penis Panic
MPQ -"PENIS PANIC - Sufferers become convinced that their genitals are disappearing into their bodies. It can be contagious and “penis panic” swept through Singapore in 1967 and thousands of men became convinced that their penises were being stolen."
Day 217 - Chuck Norris-exual
MPQ - "Yanniexual – We are most attracted to this pianist, keyboardist and composer. If Yanni were to shave his moustache, our attraction immediately dissipates and we become Tom Selleckexual."
Day 228 - Women. Mud Wrestling. Ziti
MPQ - "So anyways. I’d love to have a threesome with you…but I’m not sure if my boyfriend would be into it because no guys fantasize about being with two women."
Day 231 - DILF. The New MILF
MPQ - "Married women who have procreated, WARNING: DILF(Dads I'd Like to Fuck) hunters are living amongst you. Your baby has become the 'in' accessory that is becoming more appealing than your husband's nice ass, unavailability and big…paycheck."
Day 246 – STD Happy Hour
Gonorrhea –. Remind me, why can’t Syphilis and Herpes make it?
Chlamydia – Herpes got a gig with Eliot Spitzer and Syphilis went to England to research his ancestry.
Gonorrhea - That’s right! His roots go back to Henry VIII.
Chlamydia – And Christopher Columbus…
Gonorrhea - Syphilis is old school. We’re lucky to know him.
Day 260 – Contraceptives Have Feelings Too
MPQ - Condom – "It’s true. Seniors are fucking like bunnies. I’m there to support them, but they seldom employ me. Their time is limited so contracting an STD is actually appealing. At 95, its way more respected to die of syphilis than heart disease."
Day 271 - Bra Savants
MPQ - "Here's the thing...when purchasing bras, any inkling of modesty goes out the window. I was in no way, shape or form(fitting) bashful that a stranger was rather intimately lifting and separating my boobs. While I was being molested, I became disappointed that her hands were occupied because she earned herself a high five for her strong aptitude for arranging the mystical world of mammary glands."
Day 318 - I'll Show You My Boobs If....
MPQ: "I'll show you my boobs if you can explain to me why Wolf Blitzer looks like a wolf."
See a common thread?
This we know is true:
- I like writing the(dare I say sexier?) blogs that I mentioned above.
- You like reading them.
- I'm a pervert. My readers are perverts. My nutritionist is a pervert.
So the question arises as to how we approach these remaining 41 day in order for all of us to get the most out of this year. Where to go? What? You think I shouldn't be over thinking and roast some kale? Ohhh...you want to roast my kale?
You're incorrigible. And a perv.