Day 314 - Goodbye Delightful White Powder

June 18th, 2010

As of this morning, I've learned that I have a higher than normal sterol, C 27 H 46 O, that occurs in all animal tissues, esp. in the brain, spinal cord, and adipose tissue, functioning chiefly as a protective agent in the skin and myelin sheaths of nerve cells, a detoxifier in the bloodstream. Or if you aren't versed in science jibber jabber....cholesterol.

This came as an unwelcome surprise to me as I've always had award winning cholesterol. In fact, the dialogue would go like so:

Doctor: Jacqueline: Your cholesterol levels are near perfect. Keep up the good work.

Jax: I'm awesome
(Then I try to high five her...and be left hanging.)

I blame my elevated C 27 H 46 O on getting blood work done the day after eating like an obese American(from a Midwestern red state) after devouring savory(yet not doctor recommended) cuisine after a week in South Carolina. The debauchery included a fried cornucopia of fried chicken, fried okra and fried kitten(the last one's a lie..it was a fully grown cat.)

Note to readers: Also, getting weighed after a week in the southern United States can be devastating to the ego.

After I received the news that I would have to return my cholesterol ribbons, trophies and tiaras, I walked down to the East River to reflect on my fall from grace. Or this deep pondering occurred when I was applying a deep penetrating conditioner in the shower. I can't remember. I'm a broken woman.

I've never really understood what cholesterol is exactly and truth be told, I don't want to know much about anyone or anything that wants to destroy me..

Now I have to add the big C to the below growing list of things that I find confusing:

- Nuclear fission vs Nuclear fusion

- Female Viagra

- Dogs in strollers and kids on leashes

- The appeal of "Glee"

- Vitamin Coke

All I am certain of is that my days of snorting salt in night clubs and licking it off icy streets has come to an end.

However, what hurts me in the heart area the most will be when the following dialogue occurs:

You: Jax, wanna come with me to see Salt-N-Pepa, the American hip hop trio from Queens, New York, that came onto the music scene in 1985?

Jax: Nothing would give me more joy, You. But my blood work has just informed me that I can only see Pepa...only...Pepa.