Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Day 262– Ask Jax - Part 11

April 27th, 2010

This is the 11th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

Is there a correlation between people who deny global warming and those who deny the Holocaust? – Lance Hoffman, Forest Hills, New York

Jax’s Answer: Yes Lance, the correlations are shockingly numerous. Global warming and holocaust deniers are both considered “unpopular” in high school speech & debate classes and ostracized in “stitch & bitch” knitting circles(even though they can do a remarkably impressive cross stitch.) Also, both sets of deniers…alarmingly rude to wait staff. Especially when lunching with Al Gore in an Israeli restaurant. During a heat wave.

Remember the pot-bellied pig pet fad a few years ago? Now you don't see them, and Hormel Meat Company's profits are up. Jax, what exactly is going on here? - Jarod Kearney, Staunton, Virginia

Jax’s Answer - I’ve seen the numbers and according to the PowerPoint presentation in my head, Hormel Foods Corporation’s numbers have indeed catapulted into the stratosphere. This Minnesota based meat making conglomerate (best known as the producer of Spam luncheon meat) has exponentially increased their sales because of a “turnover in management”. Who’s running Hormel? The pot-bellied swine. This is true. Similar to the class struggle during the French Revolution, pigs became increasingly aggravated that humans had been slaughtering them and serving their insides as overcooked bacon in American diners. Run by Greeks. In a revolt led by Miss Piggy, the pot-bellied pigs trained for their attack on Hormel employees by mastering the art of sumo wrestling, reading George Orwell's “Animal Farm” and watching movies with a young Burt Reynolds before raiding the Hormel Christmas party at the Olive Garden. Killing all employees. Even Stan in accounting. Their human remains are now the new and improved mystery meat being served in prisons, school cafeterias and in your kitchen. So, when your kids ask, “What’s for dinner?”… you can proudly reply, “Marge. From HR.”

Why is the corner brownie so much more delicious than the middle brownie? - Neil Arthur James - Brooklyn, New York

Sorry, but I would have to counter with, why is the middle brownie- so moist all over with no crusty edges- far more tasty than the corner brownie...? Tiff Broili – Brooklyn, New York

Jax’s Answer - Tiff and Neil. It’s OK to have different preferences as to where the best brownies are placed in a pan. We can get through this… as a family. A blog family. Tiff might like paper and Neil leans toward plastic. Tiff prefers the color white and Neil is a lover of mother of pearl. Tiff likes arguing the global warming myth while Neil is a denier of the holocaust.

*Disclaimer - Neil is not really a holocaust denier should you be an employer doing a background check. But he is a Bear Gay. Look it up.

Tiff. Neil. Embrace your differences. You can. We can.

I just pray to Jesus Harold Christ that this scenario never occurs.

(Location – Neil’s apartment. Tiff has just arrived for book club. This week’s book: “Twilight”.)

Neil – Well hello Tiff. Can I interest you in a freshly baked Betty Crocker Brownie?

Tiff - That would be delightful. Obviously I’ll take a piece from the middle...so moist. So perfect.

Neil- How dare you? Clearly the crusty corner pieces are the most superior. Get out of my house.(Pushes Tiff out the door)

Tiff – You’re going to pay for this Neil Arthur James! Just so you know…I don't even know how to read and have been contributing unsubstantiated insight to our book club discussions!

Neil- You bitch! (Throws the pan of brownies at Tiff as she walks out the door.)

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