Monday, April 26, 2010

Day 261 - P-O-R-N and U

April 26th, 2010

I threw it out to my readers and inquired about the following scenario: What would happen if porn went away? Disappeared? Gone forever.

- The internet would be rendered useless - Eric Bergson

- People would be very fat - Dara Podber Albright

- We would have to try with our wives again - Brian Eisenberg

- Then the terrorists would have won - Roberta Scott

The disappearance of pornography (in any medium) would render its addicts scared, confused and in the need to be held. In an appropriate way.

Portrayal of explicit sexual subject matter is a potent compulsion prescribed most frequently to sufferers of perversion, loneliness and 40 year old virgins interested in the" ins and outs” of sex.

Because porn feels good, especially when used in excess, there is an increased probability for abuse. It can work very well for bored suburban husbands, but when used for too long, or when used in overload, it can create a physical and psychological dependence, and a syndrome of withdrawals upon cessation.

Once the brain has adjusted to prolonged porn usage, the addict will go into very uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms like panic, hallucination, nightmares, tremors and frequent outbursts of screaming, “The internet means nothing to me anymore!”

The best way to break an addiction to porn is through a monitored period of tapering down the dosage. The pace at which the quantity is reduced will depend on the length of the dependency, with longer addictions requiring a slower tapering. One suggestion is to lessen the dosage by first eliminating the most freakish of genres the first two weeks. This can include snuff films, bestiality with amputee animals and simulated sex with anything German.

Other suggestions for successful porn termination:

- Purchase the new updated 2010 Chastity belt. This isn’t your mother’s metal lock & key contraption. You will receive a visit from Chastity Bono. Chaz’s female-to-male gender transition will dissipate all sexual desire.

- Get another addiction – Like Sudoku

- Haven’t you always wanted to bottle up the smell of porn? Potent fragrances and musks are available over the counter to assist in your weaning process. Some popular scents include: Floral Fluffer, Eau de Crusty Tube Sock and Ron Jermey Jasmine.

Just remember, there is help and support available to navigate through your porn dependence.

Even the porn stars from the movie, “Bi-Curious George” are willing to lend their support. If you ask them, “Can I really overcome my pornography addiction?” Here’s what they’ll tell you:

Dude 1:Yea!
Dude 2:Oh yea!
Dude 1:Mmm hmmm, yea.
Dude 3:AH yea.
Dude 2:YEAH!
Dude 1:Fuck yeah.

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