April 15th, 2010
The Gods are smiling on me. Larry King is back on the market. Wife # 7, Shawn Southwick, accused him of sleeping with her hotter younger sister, Shannon Engemann. For 13 years.
Sucks for Shawn but is glorious news for anyone with estrogen and (who like me) craves King’s mystique, fashion forward suspenders and endless cases of Ensure. During his interviews with politicians, athletes and entertainers, I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve thought, “You know...I’d really like to sleep with that guy.”
He will be mine.
Men of the world who are lacking self-assurance in the ways of the woman are in luck. Larry King will be holding a seminar at your local unaccredited technical college entitled:
“How to Score Women Half Your Age That Are Willing to Sleep With You Because of Your Power, Status and Have Come to the Realization That We All Look Good In the Dark.”
Topics include:
• TALK TO HER ABOUT YOUR PAIN, TORTURE AND ANGUISH YOU SUFFERED DURING THE WAR. THE CIVIL WAR
• FOCUS ON SOMETHING OTHER THAN HER LOOKS. LIKE HER INSECURITY
• SUSPENDERS: STEERS ATTENTION AWAY FROM YOUR ADULT DIAPERS
• GAIN SYMPATHY BY ADMITTING THAT YOU’VE ACTUALLY BEEN DEAD FOR SEVEN YEARS. THEN GO SEE “WEEKEND AT BERNIES’S”
• WHY FARTING ON AIR WHILE INTERVIEWING OUR NATION’S LEADERS IS NATURE’S GASTROINTESTINAL APHRODISIAC
• A BIG EMMY IS IMPRESSIVE. AN IMPOTENT PENIS IS NOT
For nonbelievers who are not yet convinced that Larry the King is worthy of being the poster geriatric child for all that is manly goodness, you aren’t aware that a lewd sex act has been named after him. Do you? The details of this impressively vulgar action is too risqué to detail in my family friendly blog. However, I am prepared to share a sample sentence from my preferred online defective source of information, Urban Dictionary.
“Last night was so great, Rona and I went back to my place and I gave her the nastiest Larry King. What can I say? She loved it.”
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