Day 253 - Penis Panic, Vagina Fervor or Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo

April 18th, 2010

On day 158 of my 365 day blog challenge, I wrote an entry called “Jew, Not-a-Jew or Canadian?” I gave you scenarios and asked you which of these three categories the examples fell under. http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-158-jew-not-jew-or-canadian.html. On Day 166, I brought to you another list to test your knowledge of 3 interchangeable people: Bill O’Reilly, Kanye West and Mother Teresa. http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-166-bill-oreilly-kanye-west-or.html. Determining if you were celebrating Passover, Easter or The Festival of Steve Guttenberg was where we journeyed on Day 235. http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010_03_01_archive.html. And just because I was curious, on Day 243, I needed to know if you had the Fear of Failure, Abandonment or Zombies? http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-243-fear-of-failure-abandonment-or.html

Before I present today’s trio, I’d like to recall a topic that we touched on Day 203:” Penis Panic”.http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/02/day-203-penis-panic.html. I explained how sufferers from this ailment are “convinced that their genitals are disappearing into their bodies. It can be contagious and “penis panic” swept through Singapore in 1967 and thousands of men became convinced that their penises were being stolen.” Now that people are open to talking about this horrifying infliction, it’s time to address two other illnesses that are secretly running rampant among the populace: 1) Vagina Fervor – A grandiose fixation on the magnificence of your vagina. 2) Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. – The delusion that you're living inside the movie, “Breakin’2: Electric Boogaloo."

There is a 92. 3(repeating) % chance that you are among the masses that unknowingly have one of these diseases. It’s time to confront your fears and admit you’re experiencing the symptoms of having Penis Panic, Vagina Fervor or Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Have the following occurrences occurred?

- You feel that you’re lacking something to satisfy your wife sexually. You become suspicious when she says that she was at book club. All night. But comes home smelling like Tiger Woods.

- You incessantly tell friends, family and strangers, “Enough about you, more about my vagina.”

- In high school, you were voted, “Most likely to go to the moon. And walk."

- While visualizing yourself as serial killer transsexual Buffalo Bill from “Silence of the Lambs”, you look in the mirror and repeatedly affirm the following: “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again”, “Put the fucking lotion in the basket!” and “You taste like chicken”.

- You’re Madonna

- You and Turbo try to stop a developer from bulldozing a community recreation center.

- When showering with men, it’s inconsequential if someone drops the soap.

- At the end of every email you write one of these 3 phrases: “If you can't beat the system...break it!”, “They're back...for everyone who believes in the beat” and “Believe in the beat that's on the street. It's hoppin' and poppin', they're breakin' and lockin'.

- When asked a question, you always reply with, “Before I answer your inquiry…I’ll have to consult my vagina.”