Thursday, April 8, 2010

Day 243 – Fear of Failure, Abandonment or Zombies?

April 8th, 2010

On day 158 of my 365 day blog challenge, I wrote an entry called “Jew, Not-a-Jew or Canadian?” I gave you scenarios and asked you which of these three categories the examples fell under. On Day 166, I brought to you another list to test your knowledge of 3 interchangeable people: Bill O’Reilly, Kanye West and Mother Teresa. On day 235, we determined if we were celebrating the interchangeable holidays of Easter, Passover or The Festival of Steve Guttenberg?

Today we’re going to test if you’re suffering from fears that are most likely keeping your psychologist, spiritual adviser and drug dealer in business.

Do you suffer a debilitating anxiety around experiencing failure, abandonment or zombies?

Let’s take a look.

• You failed the second grade. You feel like an insufficient underachiever and fear having the career path of New Coke.

• During your formative years, mom and dad left you. In your adult life, you end up exerting a great deal of energy to please others, are self-sacrificing and constantly attempt to elicit the approval of others. You cry.

• In preparation for a doomsday scenario, you stockpile water, non-perishable food and suitable weaponry capable of destroying the brains of the living dead. Machetes, crowbars and wood chippers are highly recommended. By Oprah.

• You failed the bar exam 5 times. You feel like an insufficient underachiever and fear having the career path of an Enron executive.

• Your spouse walked out on you. In your next relationship, you develop a dependent personality that leaves you docile, passive and nonassertive. You cry. Like a baby.

• You have befriended young boys who play Dungeons and Dragons in their parents' 1970's wood paneled basement, watch the “Thriller Video” (once every 27 minutes) and have never kissed a girl.

• You failed your drug test. For your new job. At Wal-Mart. You feel like an insufficient underachiever and fear having the career path of “My Buddy”. The doll. For boys.

• Your children want nothing to do with you and you continually hum the chorus from Cats in the Cradle.”

• “And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then.”

Then you cry. Like a baby. That is little.

• You have dreams of the undead violently devouring your human flesh. Evidently, you taste like chicken.

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