Monday, April 5, 2010

Day 240 - Male PMS. It's Real

April 5th, 2010

On day 179, I introduced male readers to “Jax’s Safety Guide for Men to Protect Themselves from Women with PMS” in an entry entitled “PMS – Natures Most Unforgiving Natural Disaster.” I sympathized with the plight of what a man must endure the week before their lady is visited by Flowy McRubyred.

Since my aim is to present issues that are fair and balanced in my skewed interpretation of journalism, I bring forth the notion that male PMS is also real. Why? Because my favorite discredited source, Urban Dictionary, delivers, as always, a convincing sample sentence that is simply impossible to refute.

“Steer clear of Hans today, man--must be a case of male PMS.”

Often called Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS), male PMS can be the cause of mood swings, anxiety and stomach cramps. Much like an earthquake, this ailment can present much further danger than the female equivalent because it can sneak up at any time. ANY TIME. Except during morning sex.

Ladies, I urge you to protect yourselves should you be in danger of the frightening and destructive effects of male PMS. It’s best to familiarize yourself with my online pamphlet:

“Jax’s Safety Guide for Women to Protect Themselves from Men with PMS”:

• Take cover under a sturdy desk, stay away from windows and cover your eyes with a sleeping mask because there is a strong chance that the man might be wearing cut-off jean shorts. It is essential that you do not see these. You will go blind. And turn to stone. Be prepared as the man might react negatively by describing his bowel movements. And scratching his balls. In public.

• If you are in a car and your guy unexpectedly shows the symptoms of male PMS, exit the vehicle immediately and run to the nearest "Today’s Man”. This low end menswear store (made with fibers from Formally Known as Pluto) is like kryptonite to anyone with testosterone.

• The male often tries to lure a woman out of hiding by suggesting that they read “Eat Pray Love”, watch Oprah” and talk about their feelings over a cup of General Foods International Coffee. Vienna Blend. This is a ploy. He will simply go on a rampage arguing the benefits of keeping the toilet seat up. Then scratch his balls.

• Know emergency telephone numbers. There is a chance that you can survive his frenzied behavior if you are advised by his mom, spiritual adviser or mistress.

• Lessen his force by suggesting that he watch “Reservoir Dogs”, eat beef jerky and saying , “You know.. even though you say you’re 7 1/2 inches. I’m gonna go with 8.” This protective mechanism will most likely be the voice of reason and alleviate a man’s hypersensitivity. If he scratches just one ball…preferably the left one, you are no longer on high terror alert. The storm is passing.

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