April 22nd, 2010
(All the Drugs have met for a meeting in a middle school parking lot)
Cocaine – I appreciate you all meeting me here today. Just so you know…Appletini finally came out of the closet and won’t be joining us. He’s cruising airport bathrooms with Crystal Meth. (Frustrated and looking at his clipboard)…I’m the only one who seems to have enough energy to make our meetings happen…
Pot- We know…we know Cocaine....you’re the only one alert enough to get things done. Let’s do this fast. You’re already starting to get irritable…and quite frankly, turning into a major douche.
Cocaine – Watch it Pot. Putting on a few pounds from late munchies of BBQ Ruffles, Cap'n Crunch and Meow Mix?
Cat Nip –Meow Mix?! Nice. If it’s the Seafood Medley...I might just let you pamper my pussy…(Cat Nip starts rubbing herself seductively against Pot)
Xanax - Cat Nip. Get a hold of yourself. You slut. I don’t have a lot of time. I have a meeting with Psychopharmacologist. He’s over prescribing me to the Jewish community…getting a lot of work.
Placebo – Congratulations Xanax. Psychopharmacologist has already done wonders for the careers of Prozac, Ambien and Antibiotic.
Xanax– Placebo. You’re a boring tease and what you have to say is really inconsequential. Not really sure why you’re here.(Xanax and Cat Nip high five)
Cocaine – (Annoyed) Drugs! Jesus Heroin Christ! Back to work. Now! According to my Excel spreadsheet, middle school kids are our perfect target. All that acne, fury and raging hormones make us in demand. Big time. Ritalin is acting as a decoy and has gone undercover in an algebra class. He’ll contact me on the walkie-talkie when it’s safe for us to introduce ourselves to the most vulnerable of the susceptible.
Pot - (Eating gummy bears) – Cocaine, sounds like a brilliant idea. But truth be told, I’m having a hard time focusing since we lost Lunesta.
Placebo - What happened? No one tells me anything.
Pot – Lunesta was riding her giant butterfly under the influence of Herbal Supplement and had a bloody midair collision with a Boeing 747.
Xanax - Her milligrams were never recovered…
Placebo: That’s heartbreaking!
Xanax – It’s for the best. She never was the same after Steroid left her for Mark McGwire.
Pot – Ugh…Steroid. Always bragging about hanging out with Olympic gold medalists and...
Cocaine – (Getting a message on his walkie-talkie. Gives Pot the hand) Shhhh!(Into walkie-talkie) Yeah. I read you Ritalin. Ok. Yeah. Good hustle. We’re on it. (Addressing group) OK Ritalin gave me the signal. He’s in. Time to conquer. We can do this Drugs...focus. Visualize on when Exlax led our epic raid at the geriatric center…
(Group is riled up and they forcefully ambush the school. Riding LSD’s magical unicorns)