Day 248 - No Woman, No Cry. Or Maybe You Should

April 13th, 2010

My junior and senior year in college, my lifelong friend, Laura, and I went on a Carnival Cruise to escape the pressures of heavy partying at the University of Georgia. A few poignant memories include Laura entering a dance contest and being dropped on her head. Luckily footage of the misfortune played repeatedly in every passenger’s room on the cruise channel. 24 hour cruise channel. As for me, I had developed a deep infatuation for a strapping coed from Rollins College in Orlando. To my delight, he reciprocated my sentiment by throwing me over his shoulder while declaring, “You’re everything I want and more.” Then he passed out. And I fell on my head.

While tanning and tending to our massive head wounds, Laura and I sat by one of three (urine temperatured) pools and were soothed by the band playing calming renditions of “Come on Eileen”, Alanis Morisette’s “You Oughta Know “ and a paella of Color Me Bad gems . All done. Reggae style.

I texted Bob Marley to ask him if he was turning in his grave. He didn’t receive it. No, not because he’s dead. Texting wasn’t a phenomenon in 1996. Come on.

I’d always assumed that the Jamaican singer-songwriter and musician used his melodies to express how challenging life was for people in the Trenchtown ghettos of Jamaica.

BUT. What if the joke was on us and Marley anticipated his style of music to be delivered on cruise ships that were once promoted by America’s sweetheart, Kathy Lee Gifford.
I think it’s time that we dissect the true meaning of “No Woman, No Cry.” As a family. A blog family.

'Cause I remember when we used to sit
In the government yard in Trenchtown
(And by Trenchtown...I mean the lido deck)
Oba, ob-serving the hypocrites
As they would mingle with the good people we meet
(Drunk frat boys hitting on mildly insecure sorority girls)
Good friends we have had, oh good friends we've lost along the way
(We lost the passengers thrown overboard. Under suspicious circumstances.)
In this bright future you can't forget your past
(Unless you have no future because your body is never recovered)
So dry your tears I say
(or keep crying because crimes on cruise ships don't have jurisdiction)

No woman, no cry
(Come here you)
No woman, no cry
(You look like you could use a hug)
Little darlin' don't shed no tears
(Tears are God’s gift to us. Our holy water)
No woman, no cry
(OK. Now you’re just getting annoying)

Said, said, said I remember when we used to sit
(Sitting in our third tier room. When we opened the curtain...there was a wall)
In the government yard in Trenchtown
And then Georgie would make the fire light
Log wood burnin' through the night
(Genitals burning from promiscuous sex with other spring breakers)
Then we would cook corn meal porridge
(Ate the bottomless shrimp bowl at the midnight buffet)
Of which I'll share with you
(If you beg for it)

My feet is my only carriage
So I've got to push on through
But while I'm gone...
(Gone to the ATM with a $20 service fee)

Ev'rything's gonna be alright
(Unless you gambled away your pension, Roth IRA and wedding band at the 24 hour casino)
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
(Unless you missed the cruise’s departure and got left in Cozumel because you were drunk on Corona at Carlos'n Charlie's)
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
(Unless you’re on the Titanic)

So, no woman, no cry
(Unless you’re dropped on your head. In the discothèque)
No no woman, no cry
(Please. stop calling me)
No, no woman, no woman, no cry
(You’re pushing too hard. Not sexy)
Oh, little darling, don't shed no tears
(I slept with your sister. And your mom)
No woman, no cry
(That’s ok with you? Really? OK. You’ve left me no choice. I’m putting a restraining order on you)